The Hyperion Chronicles

#21 More Holiday Fun

“I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this morning.”

-George Grossmith

A wise man once told me “The best two ways to reach people are to inspire them, or to piss them off.” I have not had too much luck inspiring anybody, but my recent mailbag shows me that I still can rile up the folks out there. Nice to know I have not lost my touch. However, the overwhelming response to my Santa Claus column, as well as the nature of the criticism, prompts me to respond en masse.

I expected folks to criticize me for coming down on parents. For the record, this was not what I was trying to do, but I can understand the response. It is a lot easier to criticize when you are not in the game. I do not have any kids (I’ve never been that drunk) and I do not presume to tell parents what to do with theirs, other than to not bring babies to movies. I also have nothing against my parents for the way the handled the “Santa Claus Question”. I first thought of this Kris Kringle Konspiracy several years ago; well after the age of belief, as it were. I found the connections between God and Santa to be striking, in a way. I offered the column as a discussion piece, designed to get people thinking and talking. I certainly do not have all the answers on how to raise children. Indeed, if I had a child I would lie to them daily, on just about everything.

So, this criticism was expected. What blew me away, however, was the pillorying I got from people who thought that Column #19 was my anti-God manifesto. Some people mildly rebuked me, while others excoriated my for spurning Jesus. People: chill. I am not turning away from God or anything like that. I was not really offering much theology in the piece at all. In fact, if anything, I think it could be took as a pro-God piece, indicting the lies we sometimes tell our young. Regardless, I would like to apologize to everyone who was upset. As a token of goodwill, I have printed some Christmas carols below for you to sing with your loved ones. Of course, I could not get permission to use the lyrics, so I had to make up my own. I am sure you will find them delightful, though, and start new family traditions of singing Hyperion Carols around the piano on cold Christmas Eves. Enjoy.

DECK THE HALLS

Deck the Halls with advertising, FaLaLaLaLa, LaLaLaLa

Tis the season to be enterprising, FaLaLaLaLa, LaLaLaLa

Wait, I can do better than that

Deck the Halls with advertising, FaLaLaLaLa, LaLaLaLa

Tis the season for Merchandising, FaLaLaLaLa, LaLaLaLa

Shopping is a big endeavor, FaLaLa, LaLaLa, La, La, La

Hurry up; it’s now or never, FaLaLaLaLa, LaLaLaLa

JINGLE BELLS

Dashing through the mall/With three little brats

Trying to get to Macys before they’re out of hats

Oh, wait, I’ve lost a kid/Or were there only two?

I’d look for him but I’d just as soon lose the others, too, Oh

Christmas, aches, Christmas pains/Aren’t we having fun?

I know I’ll get an ulcer before Christmas time is done

Christmas aches, Christmas pains/Will it ever end?

The worst part is that next year we will do this all again.

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

Oh, You better go shop/You better go buy

You better not stop/I’m telling you why

Christmas time is coming to town

You’ve finished your list/But hold up, just wait

‘Cause more gave you gifts/You must reciprocate

Christmas time is coming to town

You have no time for sleeping/Though you’re barely awake

With parties you must go to/For friends’ and families’ sake

Oh, you better go shop/You better go buy

You better not stop/I’m telling you why

Christmas time is coming to town

WHITE CHRISTMAS

I’m dreaming of a tight Christmas/In a lot more ways than one

At buffets, I’ll suckle/‘Till my pants won’t buckle

And my dough, is gone in all the fun

I’m dreaming, of a tired Christmas/By the time this Holiday’s through

With winter weather/And the family together
I think, I will become a Jew

Ho, Ho, Ho,

Hyperion
December 19, 2000