The Hyperion Chronicles

The Hyperion Chronicles

“Forever in love with the Childlike Princess”

#324 Potpourri, Volume XXX

Are you excited for Volume XXX? I know I am. It feels like a Super Bowl. Okay: let’s read!

Still hanging on by a Chad…

Welcome to all you out there in the (much like Lindsey Lohan’s bust-line) ever-growing Hyperion Nation. I want to thank everyone who voted and supported me, and I wanted to let you know that I still have not conceded Ohio, Iowa, Oregon, Oklahoma, Alabama, Illinois; basically: any state that starts with a vowel.

I believe there are enough provisional votes out there to make me the next president of the United States. I believe when all the votes are counted (and recounted, as many times as necessary) we will find that George W. Bush did not win, but one Hyperion did.

And if not, I may stay up here in Canada in the Witness Protection Program, and possibly run for Queen. I’m already working on my wave.

It pays to talk gooder

It’s vocab time, my friends, and today I made it little easier for you. The answers are multiple choice. Now at least you have a chance in Ohio of getting them right.

1) PERIDOT

A) A Sicilian wine; B) A green gemstone; C) The Danish philosophy of personal Nihilism; D) When a couple of dots get together

2) FLEXITARIAN

A person who…

A) Can twist into a human pretzel; B) Has a fetish for abnormally muscular women; C) is a vegetarian, but occasionally eats meat; D) Gets high sniffing Flexoral 454

3) EPICANTHIC FOLD

A) Abnormally long eyelid; B) The proper way to do hospital corners; C) An apocalyptic religious movement during the 1820s; D) when someone with MS gets out of a really hot poker hand

4) BATRACHIAN

A) Frog-like qualities; B) The medical procedure done to allow breathing through the throat; C) Cuisine that comes from the region around the Carpathian Mountains; D) A rash Bruce Wayne gets from wearing that silly suit

Answers below

More Interactive Fun

It’s been awhile since the last potpourri, and most of my links have died. So, to combat that, I’m giving you several “quizzes.” You try to guess the answers, and like the vocab, I’ll have them below. Don’t cheat and look down below, or sand-fleas will infest your underwear.

Top Slogans: Try to guess the top ten slogans of the 20^th Century.

Best-Selling Drugs: These are the best selling drugs from 2003. (Legal drugs, college students!)

Powerful Women: Obviously all women are super-powerful, but according to Forbes, these women are the top 10.

Top-Earning Dead Celebrities: My favorite one. They’ve died but they’re still earning millions. Try to guess which dead celebrities earned the most in 2003. Hint: five of the top ten are singers.

Actually try, and see how you do

Strange Link of the Day #1

Have you been pining the days away, wondering how decomposition works, but were afraid to ask? Well, friends, I have the website for you. The Australian Museum saw a void, and by the evil Koala they decided to fill it, with a fact-and-grodie-picture filled website that will answer every question you could have conceivably had about how things decompose. Actually, once you get past the squeam factor, it’s not that bad.

Hyperion does not give this his stamp of approval

Apparently, you can put yourself on a stamp. Yes, friends, the apocalypse is coming. Once reserved for American icons such as George Washington, Amelia Earhart, Jesse Owens or Fat Elvis, now any shlub can get on a stamp. I personally think is call for drinking grape Kool-Aid, but you might want to take a look.

In a related story, the Muppets are all getting stamps, and Gonzo was left out. They have Kermit, Fozzie, Statler and Waldorf, the hated Miss Piggy (whom I loathe, but even I admit she should be on there), and that stupid blue eagle one with the big eyebrows. But no freaking Gonzo!!!!! I tell you the truth: the time’s coming for a revolution.

Where was this when I was in school?

It seems that Sanford, Florida fourth-grade teacher Stacey Cherry has a life outside of the classroom. (Aside: when I was a kid, it would always freak me out to see teachers outside of school Is that just me? But I digress.) Anyhoo, Cherry was at a Super-Bowl party and had a wee too much to drink. She was encouraged (as only a drunk girl can be) to “take off her shirt,” and she did. Unfortunately for Cherry, the incident was photographed, and the offending picture was forwarded to school officials, who suspended Cherry while they investigate. Cherry, for her part, thinks she’s being treated unfairly and has (surprise) retained a lawyer. All I know is that I wish my fourth-grade teacher Miss Deveral had done this. Would have been a lot more interesting than studying volcanoes and the Olympics. Now if my fifth-grade teacher Mrs. Burgess had done it…I’d still be in therapy.

Strange Link of the Day #2

So your relationship’s not going so well, eh? I bet it’s not as bad as this guy’s. He actually lists everything—and I mean EVERYTHING—that he and his beloved argue over. I got about 200 items into the list and had to stop. Husbands, maybe you’ll realize you don’t have it so bad, and wives, I know you’re always looking for one more thing to nag about…

They can split twigs, but how about tens?

News from Louisiana, that part of $70,000 stolen last week from the Lucky Dollar casino has been found…in a beaver dam. It seems the beavers found the money packs, opened them up, and then weaved the bills into the dam they were building. When officials for the Lucky Dollar found out, they were horrified, saying, “That’s a complete waste of good money.” The official then reminded people to come gamble at the casino, where they are sure to winy many valuable prizes.

Hyperion’s personal hero

My favorite story to come out of last week’s elections was the victory of one Steve Rocco to School Board in Santa Ana California. Rocco put up no posters, did zero campaigning, didn’t show up for any of the debates, and was never seen by anyone. He provided little information on his candidate questionnaire he filled out when running. Yet, Rocco easily beat the incumbent, a well-liked fire ranger, father of three, president of the PTA, and active in the Boy Scouts.

Rocco has a history of doing this, running for mayor and city council before, and pulling the same Invisible Man act. What may have helped him over the top this time was that he filled in “Writer/Educator” to go on the ballot, and many people, not knowing anything about the candidates, voted for someone who seemed more schooly than a park ranger.

If Rocco attends monthly meetings, he will receive $750/month, and be one of seven votes on a Board that controls 32,000 students and has a $230 million dollar operating budget.

More importantly, we here at the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian/Kickassian Studies would like to salute Steve Rocco. This is what getting ahead in American is all about, and we couldn’t be prouder. Extremely jealous, yes, but very proud.

Guessing work done

Time to find out how you did.

Top Slogans:

1. Diamonds are forever (DeBeers)
2. Just do it (Nike)
3. The pause that refreshes (Coca-Cola)
4. Tastes great, less filling (Miller Lite)
5. We try harder (Avis)
6. Good to the last drop (Maxwell House)
7. Breakfast of champions (Wheaties)
8. Does she ... or doesn't she? (Clairol)
9. When it rains it pours (Morton Salt)
10. Where's the beef? (Wendy's)

I cannot figure out why “You Deserve a Break Today” (McDonalds), “Takes a Licking and Keeps on Ticking” (Timex) and “You’re in Good Hands” (Heidi Fleiss) were not included.

Best-Selling drugs

1. Lipitor (cholesterol)
2. Zocor (cholesterol)
3. Zyprexa (anti-psychotic
4. Norvasc (blood-pressure)
5. Procrit (anemia)
6. Prevacid (ulcers)
7. Nexium (ulcers)
8. Plavix (blood-thinner)
9. Advair (asthma)
10. Zoloft (depression)

I’m not sure what this list says about America, but I know I don’t like it. (Note: Institute member Laureate was supposed to come up with something pithy for this section, but was unable to, so blame him.)

Powerful women

1. Condoleezza Rice
2. Wu Yi
3. Sonia Gandhi
4. Laura Bush
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton
6. Sandra Day O'Connor
7. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
8. Megawati Sukarnoputri
9. Gloria Arroyo
10. Carleton Fiorina

I’m not sure I completely buy this list. I mean, where is my mother? And both my grandmothers should be on here too. What the Wu Yi is going on?

Top-Earning Dead Celebrities

1. Elvis Presley 40 million
2. Charles Schultz 32
3. J.R.R. Tolkien 22
4. John Lennon 19
5. George Harrison 16
6. Theodor “Dr. Seuss” Geisel 16
7. Dale Earnhardt 15
8. Tupac Shakur 12
9. Bob Marley 09
10. Marilyn Monroe 08

How did you do on all of these? I find these list (especially the last one), to be a great conversation starter. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

Advice o’ the Day

The best Chinese restaurants are where everyone in the place is of Asian descent. The other day Marcellus took me to some place I’d never heard of, and I was a bit nervous, until I walked in and saw that every single person inside had ancestors that hailed from the far East. I knew I was in for a treat. (Although, I did pass on the pigs’ ears. Maybe next time.)

Vocabulary Answers

Peridot: B

Flexitarian: C

Epicanthic Fold: A

Batrachian: A

If you have words I should include, by all means let me know

Sniff Sniff

As I was writing this today the news came down that Colin Powell was stepping down as the Secretary of State. Whether you agreed with him or not, he was always a class act and handled himself with dignity and grace, especially difficult at times with the position he was put in. I know if—I mean when—I become president, Powell would be on a short list of people I’d consider as V.P. I’ll miss him.

More Sniff Sniff

Rest in peace O.D.B. We’ll miss you, big guy! See you up in Heaven.

Denouement

And finally, did you hear the story about the Taiwanese man who jumped the fence at a zoo and started preaching at lions? Apparently, the man felt the lions were heathens and needed witnessing to, and since nobody else was doing it…

The 46 year old man, whom officials said later was possibly mentally ill (ya think?), crept into the lions’ cage and yelled at them, “Jesus will save you!” For his troubles, he was bitten and mauled. (Note: whenever I jump in lions’ cages I always yell, “The power of Christ compels you!” and smack the lions in the head, but that’s just me.)

The man was treated for his injuries and held for psychiatric observation, but one official said the man was lucky. “It could have been much worse,” the zoo-keeper confided. “The lions are heathens, but the leopards aren’t. I was in the leopard cage once and they cornered me.

They read me The Watchtower for four hours. I’d rather have been mauled.

And that’s life in the Monkey Barn,

Hyperion

November 15, 2004

Credits

Thanks to Dominique

Thanks to Ella

No thanks to Laureate

Thanks to O.D.B., for all the memories

Motto Explanation

The Childlike Princess is from The Neverending Story, possibly the greatest movie of all time.