The Hyperion Chronicles

the Hyperion Chronicles
“Through me is the way to the sorrowful city”"

#278 Potpourri, Volume XXVI

I hope you’re having a great February 16^th. It’s President’s Day in the U.S. and Family Day up here. (Like many of their holidays, it’s not real, but rather invented to keep up with the Americans.)

Hyperion Explains how the sky is actually above us
We start on a bit of a downer, today, because I never let it be said I run from controversy. Last Friday I reran a column from a year ago about how Valentine’s Day wasn’t so great for everyone. This generated quite a bit of controversy and hate mail, at least the first paragraph (you might want to go reread it now if you still have it). Some people took this very seriously, including one letter I am reprinting here, verbatim:

"WHOM EVER YOU ARE, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM". I AM AN INDIAN NOT A BASTARD! MY FATHER IS GOD! I DO CELEBRATE "HOLY DAYS". I BELIEVE IN THE HOLY TRINITY. THEY SENT MY "BROTHER OFF TO WAR IN '67 AND SENT BACK A "SHELL", WITH A PURPLE HEART..WHERE WERE YOU? SOMEWHERE SUCKING ON A LOLLIPOP? LOSE MY E-MAIL ADDRESS ASAP! AND TRY AND FIND SOME PEACE WITHIN YOUR HEART...THIS COUNTRY...FLIP!!!!!

People, I feel silly pointing this out because it’s so obvious, but with the volume of response generated, I guess I need to. That first paragraph, as well as many things I write, WAS A JOKE. It was not meant to be taken seriously. I was riffing on holidays, and trying to come up with funny stuff. I vaguely remember writing it, and thinking it was quite funny. I was worried the Labor Day one would generate vitriol, but I have heard nary a word on that in either printing.

For the record, I don’t hate Indians. If you think it through, I am actually making fun of the people who have victimized American Indians. (I thought about writing her back and telling her I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but Indian Slaughter Day, but I thought she’d take that in the wrong way too.) Sigh. As for “greedy bastard” that was just a term used ironically, to point out that American Indians have twice as much to (legitimately, in my opinion) gripe about. I don’t take it seriously. Maybe I should be more sensitive.

No, actually I shouldn’t. You people who are constantly offended or take everything seriously need to lighten up. Life is too short to get mad over silly things. And I’m not just talking to a few of you. I get lots of mail every time I express sorrow over the love life of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Once again, repeat after me: IT’S A JOKE. If you can’t handle these things, what are you doing on the Internet at all?

More Humble Apologies
Thanks to all the alert Readers who pointed out that in my column on the Super Bowl flap, I mistakenly gave credit to The Little Mermaid a song which actually belongs to Beauty and the Beast. (I was giving alternative titles to the column, and I used “See our Breast! See our Breast!” taking off from “Be our Guest! Be our Guest!”) I would try to play it off and say I was just seeing if you all were paying attention, but the truth is probably simpler: I was distracted by well-placed sea-shells on Ariel.

Of Mice and Monkeys
Researchers from the Universities of Pennsylvania and California have announced that they have been able to get mice to produce viable sperm from tissue transplanted from the testes of macaques (those are monkeys for those of you from Vermont). The scientists hope this might one day help animals who face extinction, and might even be used on humans, although they admit this would be a more controversial move. (Ya think?) The researchers have much more work to do, but are excited over learning more in the field of primate spermatogenesis. (How’d you like that on a business card?) I know what you’re all thinking: one more reason for women to scream when something crawls up their leg.

Vocabulary
It’s time to improve your Word Power. I’ve giving you five words. See how many you know. Answers below:

A) Moue

B) Tintinnabulation

C) Faitour

D) What is the Didache?

E) Who is otherwise known as Charles the Great?

Cool Learning Thingy of the week
So I was watching the Discovery Channel the other day and I saw the coolest program. They were talking (theoretically) about a Transatlantic Tunnel, between London and New York. In theory, the trip would take—prepare yourself—54 minutes, which would mean an average speed of over 5,000 m.p.h. It gets better. The tunnel would be “floating” in the middle of the ocean, and the reason the train would be able to move so quickly would be electromagnetism (it’s actually more complicated than that, but some of my readers hail from Wisconsin). If you get the chance to watch the show, take it! Meanwhile, check out the interactive website here.

Cool site of the week for Men
Do you know who Vida Guerra is? Guys, find out, and then write and thank me.

Quote of the week
“Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard.
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.”

From Julius Caesar, Act II Scene ii

Vocabulary Answers
Here are the answers to the vocabulary questions. How did you do?

A) Moue: a frown

B) Tintinnabulation: the ringing of bells

C) Faitour: an imposter

D) The Didache is a book predating the Gospels claiming to be the teaching of the 12 Apostles (You can read it here)

E) Charles the Great is more commonly known as Charlemagne

Denouement
Finally, it was reported last week that a Beijing businessman applied for permission to use George W. Bush’s name on his product, disposable nappies. Reportedly the businessman came upon the idea because “Bushi” is pronounced the same in Chinese as “not wet.” Officials are not likely to grant the trademark, because, “it may bring about bad social impact if a leader’s name is registered as a trademark,” according to the State Trademark Bureau. But imagine if it did. Imagine mothers all over the world changing their babies’ nappies and proclaiming, “That George W. Bush is full of…”

And that’s life in the Monkey Barn,

Hyperion
February 16, 2004

Credits
Thanks to Dominique
Thanks to Tootsie for Editing
Thanks to the irate reader for giving me an example to use

Motto Explanation
It’s the beginning of the inscription at the entrance to Hell in Dante’s Inferno, the full text of which reads: “Through me is the way to the sorrowful city…Through me is the way to join the lost people…”