The Hyperion Chronicles

The Hyperion Chronicles

“70,000 Hookers can’t be wrong”

#333.33 Potpourri, Volume XXXI

Where’s Billy Hank Harry when you need him?

The presidential inauguration is today and I (big sigh) will not be taking part. As most of you know, I sadly conceded the race for president late last year, realizing that as long as the Magic Pygmy Rabbits were pulling the strings, I could never get an accurate vote count in Ohio. Today’s festivities promise pomp, circumstance, and more boring than a Latvian Film Festival.

It wasn’t always thus. One of Roosevelt’s inaugural speeches gave us the immortal “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” and who can forget Kennedy’s “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”? The Johnsons have provided hilarity too. Andrew Johnson (when he was still Vice-president) gave a drunken speech at Lincoln’s second inaugural, and Lyndon Johnson had the secret service pour itching powder on war protesters so they would have to put down their signs to scratch. FDR had his mistress close at hand for his third inaugural (and somewhere Clinton said “We could do that?”), and Jimmy Carter famously carried his own suitcase to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (though like most things with Carter, it was a complete fake).

However, no one can top William Henry Harrison. Whereas George Washington had made do with 135 words, Harrison used over 10,000 and spoke for three hours; all in a blinding rainstorm. He died 30 days later, would that more politicians follow his fine example.

I’ve heard of selling out but…

Admittedly I don’t understand the EBay phenomenon. I’ve only been on the site a couple of times, and it always seems quite, well, seamy to me. I’ve been trying to keep an open mind, but this latest bit of news has me wondering. A 20 year old Nebraska man has been trying to sell his forehead. Originally the bidding went up to $30,000, but that fell through, so it’s being re-listed. The deal is that the man (I refuse to name him) will wear a temporary tattoo of whatever the winning bidder wants for 30 days, and promote the business on all the news shows he goes on (and there’s been quite a few). Quick to jump on the bandwagon, there have been several copycat listings as well as one enterprising person selling “I sold my forehead on EBay and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt!” apparel. Of course, I don’t actually possess the kind of forehead that would make this a lucrative opportunity (the kind that makes Mike Meyers shout, “Move your giant Heed!”), so maybe I’m just jealous. Still, if I ever offer to tattoo something to my head for someone else, just shoot me and turn over the columns to the River Midgets.

…And straight on through ‘till morning

While fact-checking the above story, Koz came upon 40 other weird listings. I’ve been ignoring him until he sent me a link for a women selling the location of Heaven. Yes, it seems that Jesus visited her 21 years ago and told her that when we die we become stars up in the sky. For only $125,000.00, this woman will explain all that Jesus told her. Throw in a bottle of Thorazine and she’ll actually take you there.

It’s Vocabulary Time!

Yes Friends, a Potpourri tradition, where we find out how many words you know. More importantly, once you learn them you can impress chicks, and really, isn’t that the point of knowing anything?

First Word: IMPRECATION

Second Word: SYNECDOCHE (suh-NECK-duh-kee)

Third Word: DIASPORA

Answers Below

I still vote for February 14

It seems that Scientists (who really just don’t have enough to do) have determined that January 24^th will be the worst day of the year. They used the formula:

1/8W+(D-d) 3/8xTQ MxNA

where W is the Weather, D is debt minus d, the money due on January’s pay day, and T is the time since Christmas. Q is the period since the failure to quit a bad habit, M stands for general motivational levels and NA is the need to take action and do something about it.

I have my own theory for the worst day of the year:

XGF + STL x (BYD)

The day where your eX-Girl Friend starts dating Some Total Loser Before You Date.

Expect scattered showers and partly stupid

In the most bizarre story of the week, a Las Vegas weatherman was fired this week for referring to MLK day—on the air, no less—as Martin Luther Coon King day. Let’s just set aside the racism for a minute; what was this dude thinking, to say something like that on the air? Furthermore, I for one have never understood why raccoon is a big favorite among racists. To me, the Coony nation refers to girls who wear too my eye makeup. You know who you are…

Shockingly, Cincinnati didn’t make the cut

“Experts” (how much you wanna bet it’s those wacky Scientists at it again?) have determined the 10 best places to live in America, based on low crime rates, good schools, a robust economy and—I swear I am not making this up—beautiful trees. The winners are:

Venice, FL

Pargould, AR

Bonita Springs, FL

Asheville, NC

Colorado Springs, CO

Bartlesville, OK

Carlsbad, NM

Huntington Woods, MI

Madison WI

No word on the rumor that these cities also topped the list for most boring. They tried to do the same thing for up here in Canada, but nobody could name ten nice cities outside of Saskatchewan, and nobody in their right mind wants to live there.

Not to be out done, other “experts,” this time the National Coalition for the Homeless, have listed America’s 20 “meanest” cities, based on how they treat the homeless. The list:

1. Little Rock, Arkansas
2. Atlanta, Georgia
3. Cincinnati, Ohio
4. Las Vegas, Nevada
5. Gainesville, Florida
6. New York City, New York
7. Los Angeles, California
8. San Francisco, California
9. Honolulu, Hawaii
10. Austin, Texas
11. Sarasota, Florida
12. Key West, Florida
13. Nashville, Tennessee
14. Berkeley, California
15. Dallas, Texas
16. Fresno, California
17. San Antonio, Texas
18. Milwaukee, Wisconsin
19. St. Paul, Minnesota
20. Manchester, New Hampshire

Again there is no ranking up here in Canada, but the reasons are again obvious. Mother Nature does her best to kill all those who live out doors every winter, and those who do survive can pretty much handle anything.

People over 30 skip this next paragraph

For those of you interested, FOX has a new show called POINT PLEASANT. The first half of the pilot debuted yesterday, finishing tonight after THE O.C., which will be its regular time. The set up is a girl washing up on the beach in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, who also happens to be the daughter of the Devil. Apparently this girl has powers she’s not aware of that make things happen to her, and both sides (read: Heaven and Hell) are after her soul, since she is human (from her mother) and therefore has a choice. I wasn’t overly impressed with hour one (it played more like DAWSON’S CREEK meets THE OMEN), but the creators have impressive track records and I’ve heard the show develops nicely in the next few episodes, so if you’re interested by this kind of thing it might be worth a look. Just don’t tell your parents; they’ll hate it.

And somewhere, Dr. Seuss was smiling

A Panel of Linguists (which is really another word for “Language Scientists”) got together and determined that “Red State Blue State” was the top phrase of 2004. The term refers to the Electoral map that separated Republican and Democrat states in the presidential election, and has come to mean a particular line of thinking or even way of life. Other nominees were “Flip-flopper” (a politician who changes his views), “Mash-up” (a blend of two separate songs or albums into one cohesive work), and “Wardrobe Malfunction” which the lovely Miss Jackson gave us last Super Bowl.

In case you were wondering, I have the winners for the 14 years prior to last:

1990: bushlips
1991: mother of all
1992: not!
1993: information superhighway
1994: cyber, morph
1995: web, newt
1996: Mom
1997: millennium bug
1998: e-
1999: Y2K
2000: chad
2001: 9-11
2002: weapons of mass destruction
2003: metrosexual

And if you think 2003 was bad, you should know that runner ups included “Bennifer” and “Cliterati.” So be thankful.

“And now, your highness, we will discuss the location of your Hidden Valley Ranch”

In what may be the cutest news of the week, Hasbro has announced that in anticipation of the last STAR WARS movie, they will be releasing a Mr. Potato head called Darth Tater. For $7.99 you can own the baddest spud in the galaxy. Seriously, he’s too cute for words:

Everyone: all together now…Awwwwwwwwwww

Vocabulary Answers

IMPRECATION: A curse

SYNECDOCHE: a figure of speech by which a part is put for the whole (as fifty sail for fifty ships), the whole for a part (as society for high society), the species for the genus (as cutthroat for assassin), the genus for the species (as a creature for a man), or the name of the material for the thing made (as boards for stage)

DIASPORA: An ethnic group of people settled (usually not by choice) far from their ancestral homelands

If you’re a girl, got all three of these correct, and have nice calves, we should talk.

Denouement

Finally, to end on a slightly different note this time, we close with a joke from Wesley Wyndham Pryce. I told this to Jerrica and she didn’t get it, but she’s not that experienced with men yet. Anyone who’s been around them long enough will find this painfully funny:

Two men walk into a bar. The first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something he'd forgotten, and it doubles him over with pain. He falls to the floor shaking and then through the floor and into the Earth. He looks back up at the first man, but he doesn't call out to him. They're not that close.

And that’s life in the Monkey Barn,

Hyperion

January 20, 2005 [345 b.t.e.]

Motto Explanation

Well, technically, I suppose they can be, but I doubt it. And, yes, I fully expect people to write me hate mail for that opening motto. I wrote that just to annoy them. Luckily, those types of people don’t usually read entire documents, to the odds of them getting all the way to this are pretty remote.

Credits

Thanks to Dominique

Thanks to Jerrica

Thanks to Koz for research and editing