The Hyperion Chronicles

#34 Its a Mad Mad Mad Mad Cow

Kiss till the cows come home.

-Francis Beaumont

For some years now I have been concerned about someone invading the United States. Specifically, Canada. Think about it: They desperately want to be Americans (and what better way than to take us over). They blend in very well. Canadians are much more difficult to tell apart from other foreigners such as women or turtles. In addition, I have always suspected that behind the accent lies a sinister mind, ready to relay all information back to headquarters. The Canadians sell us “Canadian Bacon”, but there is not such thing up in Canada, which makes me wonder why we eat it when they do not. Their national sport is hockey, which is much more violent than America’s docile pastimes of football, golf, monster truck rallies, and shopping. This should tell us how violent the Canadians really are. Finally, they send out weapons to soften us up for the invasion—like Celine Dion. I know I am weaker for hours after listening to one of her songs. However, lately, I have grown more aware of a newer, far more devious plot to take over, not just America, but the entire world. I am of course, talking about Cows.

Human beings take up only 6% of the usable land on Earth (and if you look at places like Scottsdale, Arizona, we’re not using the space we have all that effectively). Cows, on the other hand, take up a whopping 25%, and growing every day. How did this happen? Well, to find out, I called John Krugel, head of the National Rancher’s Association in Dallas, Texas. According to Mr. Krugel, Cows need this land to “graze”. This sounded awful suspicious to me. I always had to eat at the table growing up; it seems only fair that cows should too.

And while I am on the subject, eating Cows (as we humans not named Calista tend to do) is not proof of humankind’s superiority. Far from it. Did you know that the #1 cause of death in the world for 48 of the last 49 years was Heart Disease? And how do we get the Heart disease, you might ask? From eating Cows. Second cause of death; heart attacks, also from eating cows (the third cause, skin cancer, also comes from Cows, but more on that in a minute). It seems so simple when you look at it. Cows are throwing their superior numbers at us in a sort of “kamikaze” sacrifice, and we are growing soft and fat in the process. When the Cows finally do attack, those still alive will be too weak and lethargic after that big Barbecue to do much to stop them.

What about our environment? Cows are killing us there, too. I called up Sally Heidegger, Vice-Chairwoman for S.A.G.E. (Scientists Against the Greenhouse Effect), and she painted a scary picture. It seems that for all the pollution humans release into the air, and we do our fair share, we cannot even compare to the Cows, as a group. Every man woman and child could by a 1968 VW Bus and a refrigerator made in Bora Bora, and we still wouldn’t have the polluting power these Cows do, collectively. According to Heidegger, Cows produce methane gas naturally, which they release into the atmosphere. These beasts are killing machines, not seen since the likes of Terminator 2. Anyway, the methane gas helps destroy the ozone layer, which then makes everyone get sunburn, and forces them to come in from the beach and start the cookout early, which is, of course, hamburgers. These Cows have us coming and going.

But apparently Cows are not content killing us slowly and fattening us up for the invasion. Now they have a new weapon: Mad Cow Disease. Of course, once the Cows in the government got to the media, it is now called “Foot and Mouth” Disease, but don’t you be fooled. This Mad Cow disease is truly insidious. Now, instead of heart disease, Cows are poisoning us directly through their meat, which we then pass to each other like the plague. I have not been able to prove this, but I think that they Cows are actually spreading the Mad Cow Disease through the methane they are already so ingenious at releasing. That is why it is a good idea to hold your breath any time you pass a Cow farm on the road.

Is there anything we can do to stop them? No, not that I know of. If any of my readers out there have got any ideas, and haven’t been “compromised” by the Cow Illuminati, write me and I will share it with our readers. For now, keep your eyes, open, your nose closed, and don’t take no bull.

Till the Cows come home,

Hyperion
April 12, 2001