The Hyperion Chronicles

#76 To Be Or Not To Be

To be (gay), or not to be (gay); that is the question.

-Shakespeare (paraphrased)

A good friend called the other day, and by-and-by the conversation turned…to that subject. You know, the one that makes people so uncomfortable. Many people don’t like it even said aloud, but it rhymes with romorexual. I’ve noticed that people get squeamish when the word gay comes up. What my friend was interested in, though, was the process of being gay, or how does one get that way. I think it’s a great question, and one I’ve tried to answer today for her and the rest of my wonderful readers.

Now, what I am NOT trying to do is have a discussion on morality, which may be next-to-impossible. Many, if not most of you, feel strongly about this subject one way or another. That’s fine. What I am trying to do here is get into the biology and psychology of the issue, the root causes. I am not interested in talking about right or wrong. After reading, you may feel that while my logic was insightful and brilliant, the subject cannot be addressed without talking about morality, and you may want to write to tell me this. Everybody understand where I’m coming from? Okay, then. On with the show.

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.

-Shakespeare

You see that quote about greatness by Shakespeare? Well, I’d like to offer a slightly different take:

Some people are born gay, others achieve gayness; still others have gayness thrust upon them.

There is a big battle going on between some in the Gay Rights camp and some in the Christian camp over this. The main cause is the same reason people battle so hard over gun rights, abortion, evolution, or any controversial issue; neither side can afford to give an inch because both sides fear (quite rightly, I’m afraid) that the other side will take a mile if given an inch. Gun advocates fear the other side wants all guns taken away, so they fight tooth and nail to keep the assault rifles. And so it goes. Meanwhile, most folks are left in the middle, maybe leaning one way or another, but mostly wondering what the fuss is about.

With this issue, it’s even trickier. Many gay people, maybe even most, are born that way. That’s how they’ve always felt, and no one can tell them different, because no one has lived their lives. One of the reasons they are so contemptuous of the other side, which claims this is impossible, is because they know who they are. The main reason the Gay Rights people don’t want to admit that there are gay people not born that way is what we mentioned above, but also because they don’t want to be accorded “fad” status, like some stage an angry teenager goes through. Also, most gay people experience a good deal of harassment in their lives. Some (a very small percentage, no matter what the media portrays) may end up taking pride in who they are, but not one of them asked to be born that way, and almost all of them, at least privately, wishes they had been born like everyone else, to make life easier. That’s why they are flabbergasted when the other side tries so hard to insist that they are choosing this life, which has brought them so much heartache.

The opposition does not want to admit that people can be born gay. The main reason for this is that many religions proscribe the practice of homosexuality, and many Christians and other religious types can’t fathom a world where someone could be born inclined to do something they feel strongly is a sin. But, again staying away from discussing the morality of the practice, it doesn’t make sense to me that Christians would have such problems with this concept. For the sake of argument, assume it is a sin. The Bible doesn’t teach that being gay is a sin, only practicing it. Most Christians believe in Original Sin, a concept that people are born with a sinful nature, and they can readily accept someone with an inclination to lie or do violence, as part of that sinful nature. If they believe practicing being gay is a sin, it shouldn’t be that difficult to believe that some could be born thinking this way.

There is, though, a second, not-so-discussed reason for all the vehement opposition, and that is if people can be born gay, they themselves can, or more importantly, their children can. Like I wrote above, no matter what you hear, no one wants to be born gay. This is to put you in a life unenviable. And it is this fact, twisted on both sides, that makes the debate as angry as it is.

SOME ACHIEVE

But nothing is one sided. The Gay Rights camp also downplays the number of people who choose to become gay, or what my friend once called Environmentally Gay. And, there are people like this. What we didn’t discuss in the last section is chemistry. Sorry guys, but it is not your equipment, which makes you prefer women. It is the level of certain chemicals, such as estrogen and testosterone, in our bodies, that make us think the way we do. We all have all of these chemicals, in different levels. This is where the concept of manlier men and girlier women comes from. It is also where transsexuals come from. But all of us are an imperfect mixture of these chemicals. I think that people who end up choosing to become gay perhaps have chemical makeups more like the opposite gender, but not quite to the level of someone actually born gay. For them, they could go either way. It’s not a static situation. Upbringing, experiences, religion, opportunity, and personal choice also play big roles. We may never know the exact cause(s) of this, but it is safe to say that some do choose this life.

SOME HAVE IT THRUST UPON THEM

This is the most difficult group to write about. Also Environmentally Gay, these are people who become gay mostly because of upbringing. It may have been a domineering mother, or an absent father, but mostly what we’re talking about here is abuse, massive amounts of abuse. What people on both sides of the debate don’t do a good job of recognizing and articulating is that there are people who become gay after unspeakable things are done to them as children. We all are shaped by the things that happen to us as kids, and many of us do things today that seem strange and trace back to seemingly little events. That’s how we are. Are these people any different? What could be more traumatic than systematic abuse, especially the hands of a parent or close loved one? I knew a girl named “Tara” who was gay, and as I talked to her, I found out that growing up, her father would “rent” her out to all of his friends whenever he needed cash. And now she couldn’t fathom being with a man. I for one wasn’t going to tell her she chose her current lifestyle, and to just go “walk it off.”

So there you have it: my opinion, for what it’s worth. This still leaves the question of morality unanswered, but that’s another debate. I was just trying to explain to a friend how it works, or doesn’t, as the case may be. You can make up your own mind. You have that choice. At least most of you do.

May you be all kinds of happy,

Hyperion
October 6, 2002