#79 – Thanksgiving II ( Hyperion Style)
Welcome, trusty readers! It is time for my annual Thanksgiving column! Except, I didn’t have one last year. Hmm. That does seem inconsistent. Okay, I can figure this out. Think. Think think think.
Welcome, loyal and short-term memory-deprived readers! It is time for my bi-annual Thanksgiving column, last seen two years ago. I thought I would take the time this year to list some of the things I am thankful for, hopefully spurring you to take stock in your own life, decide what you’re thankful for, and sell all the rest (I want 10%). Also, as a bonus treat, I am rerunning my 2000 Thanksgiving column. I would warn you that I wrote that two weeks after the 2000 presidential election, so some of the humor might seem dated. Then again, once funny, always funny, as my friend Rusty taught me. So, enjoy this, enjoy that, heck; enjoy the whole week. My treat.
Things I am very thankful for, grateful for, and/or appreciate highly.
Commercial Taglines: I’ve sat through the thirty seconds of your commercial without turning the channel (no small feat for the American male). Now, reward me with a little bit more of that story line. For that matter, I like TV shows and movies that do this too. It gives us a reason to stick around. I’m not sure why more don’t do this. Especially commercials, though. I’ve invested half a minute of my life with this drama. Please take me home.
Song changes: I’m grateful when songs go to a cappella, or just lose everything but the drums. I also like it when they make a major transition with drums and guitars, like on that Phil Collins song from the ‘80s. Mostly, I just like it when there’s a distinction in the song, something to look forward to.
ESPN: Does this need to be explained?
Waitresses who know me: It’s the Cheers mentality. I like to go places where they know whom I am and what I want to drink before I sit down. It’s a little thing, but makes me feel good.
Food Network: A year ago if you told me I’d know the various personalities of the Food Network I’d have laughed at you. But now I have favorites to root for and villains to hate. Mostly, I love learning about food. Is that wrong?
Conspiracy Theories: I think people are more interesting when they believe in one or two (or ten or eleven) things that they can’t prove and make them sound crazy to their friends. Come to think of it, that’s the basic theory of religion or women.
Franchises: I am thankful I get to look forward to the next movie, TV show, album, or book from my favorite artists and authors. It gives us things to talk about, and get excited about.
Event programming: Along with the last one, I appreciate events I can schedule and look forward to. I like the idea of a TV show so cool that I have to plan my day around it (although God make it so I never get pathologically locked in). I like movies that I want to see opening weekend, or a book I just have to buy the minute a store opens. I also like rooting for them. When a movie or song or book I predicted or liked does well I feel better. This is the basic reason sports have the popularity they do, I guess, and I guess politics.
Cool Whip: Truly an underused food. Needs to go on more things. It should be at the table like salt and pepper. This should be our national food.
Inside Jokes: If nothing else, it means you have friends to have them with, of which I’m very thankful. Mostly, though, it’s a preservation of a memory, a time and place, when the joke was first created. Even if it did require a kicker to be taken in the third round to make it so.
E-mail: I know a lot of people are down on this, but those people are all Communists and very likely Unitarians. For me, it means a chance to talk to friends and family way more often that I would, and a chance to talk to people all over the country I never would normally even get the chance to meet. I mean, when would I go to
Air Conditioning: This may sound strange heading into winter, but I am so thankful for my air conditioner, and have often thought peace in the
Smart Strangers: I love it when I meet someone new and they get just one of my jokes. It’s proof to me there is intelligent life out there, and also is a quick way to tell me that they are a great mind (along with their appreciation of the Simpsons and ballet). Another proof of intelligence: reading this column. So, feel smug at the next office meeting toward all those wastes of oxygen in the room with you.
Banjos: Like Cool Whip, underrated in the world today. And, as Steve Martin once said, much like THC, it’s impossible to be mad while listening to the banjo. Yet one more thing we should take to the
Stuffed Animals: Another secret to peace and happiness. You know, the more I think about it, the more I think I should be sent in with the Weapons Inspectors. Maybe I should start a letter writing campaign.
Twins: I once had a roommate named Jeff who had a clock that told exactly when Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen would turn 18. I don’t know that I would go that far, but I appreciate the sentiment. For that matter, male twins aren’t that bad either.
Dick Vitale, John Madden, and Bill Walton: My friend and I envision those three in the same booth at the same time, maybe for the Westminster Dog Show. If you’re a fan of sports or a column reader, you have to be thankful for pompous know-it-alls. I know I am.
Slang: I like jargon, and since I have no marketable skills whatsoever, slang is my way of speaking in that esoteric language. I like all slang, and collect it like some collect Oriental pottery or welfare checks, so if you any, quit hating and pass the knowledge.
Intelligent girls who are hot: I suppose you might think this is sexist to mention. So write your own damn column.
Record Attempts: This fits in with events and franchises, I suppose, but to me goes to anyone who is trying to break some record. I love following sports figures trying to bring down legends, movies trying to out earn classics, singers trying to resurrect Elvis, as well as tiny Japanese men trying to stuff god-awful amounts of hot dogs in their mouths. I don’t always want the records to be broken, but I love being there for the thrill of the chase.
Black People: Even for all you closet-racists (you know who you are), consider this; without black people, coolness would be defined by white folks. Do I need to go into grisly line-dancing details, or can we all just agree on this one? In fact, the next time you see a black person, go up and shake their hand, and thank them for sparing us the horror of polka clubs the world over.
My Brother: I always use aliases in this column, so I’ll call him “Achmed.” Achmed has always been there for me (except the first three years of my life, when he was suspiciously absent), and has always anchored me to reality. Whether it was by using my deodorant when he was 7, telling bald-faced lies about the time we got the Christmas tree together, or just stealing every girl we ever jointly met, he kept me from getting too big a head. This week he turned 24, and will soon be joining me on our conquest to take over the world (or law school, whatever comes first). No one could ask for a better brother. Well, they could, but they wouldn’t get one. I love you, Achmed.
Well, folks, enjoy your ritual sacrifices with pie this week, and don’t forget to use cool whip.
A-Maize-ingly yours,
Hyperion
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