The Hyperion Chronicles

The Hyperion Chronicles
“I believe I get more out of these mottos than you do”

#101 I Believe: The Creed of Hyperion

“These are my politics: to change what we can; to better what we can; but still to bear in mind that man is but a devil weakly fettered by some generous beliefs and impositions; and for no word however sounding, and no cause however just and pious, to relax the stricture of those bonds.”
-Robert Louis Stevenson

“It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving, it consists in professing to believe what one does not believe.”
-Thomas Paine

I had been thinking about writing my Creed for some time now, and it occurred to me that a great way to do it would be to recap my first 100 columns. Most of you became readers at various stages, and this way you might recall fondly the ones you have read, and be spurred to write and ask me to send you ones you haven’t. I’ve also thrown in a few other things I believe I never got around to writing about. In any event, this isn’t everything I believe, but I stand by everything I wrote.

“We can believe what we choose. We are answerable for what we choose to believe.”
-Cardinal Newman

“To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your own private heart is true for all men—that is genius.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I believe that if you’re an adult and stupid enough to want to, you shouldn’t have to wear a seat belt or helmet. (#1)

Furthermore, I believe that if you’re not hurting anybody, for the most part society should leave you alone in what you do.

I believe that legislating morality is usually a terrible idea. If there is a God/Buddha/Evon/All of the above, let them be the judges, not us.

I believe, however, that there very well may be a God/Buddha/Evon/All of the above, so you shouldn’t take my stance as open season to do anything.

I guess the point is, I believe actions have consequences; some now, some later. If you hurt society, you may have to pay for them sooner rather than later, but you’re not getting away with it. The Cairhien say, “Take what you want, and pay for it.”

I believe that Barbra Streisand may not be the most evil woman ever, but she deserves all the zingers I can fling at her. Furthermore, I believe she is so polarizing a figure, that mentioning her will ensure people keep reading, whether they are saying, “Right on!” or, “You monster!” (#2, #5, #87, et. al.)

I believe that the traffic laws in this country are corrupt and have far more to do with lining the coffers of local governments than they do in promoting safety. If they were uniformly applied, that would be one thing, but no law that lets cops, judges, families of cops, big-breasted women, etc., out of tickets can be fair. And I’m not condemning cops; they’re just working in the system already in place, but I’ll never believe it’s done to promote the civic good and if I’m ever on a jury, I’ll never convict a guy for speeding if he didn’t put anyone in danger. (#3, #55, #56)

I believe men are generally much easier to understand than women. I believe women are for the most part weird beyond belief, even to each other. I believe the world would probably be much easier to live in without women. However, I would never ever want to live in that world. (#4)

I believe that everyone swears, in their hearts and minds if not always verbally, and there is nothing wrong with that. I believe swearing can relieve tension, and anyone who would judge or dismiss someone because they swear has far more serious personal issues to deal with. However, I believe that we overly rely on the swear words we have, and they can make us look bad, and we’d be better off choosing our words more carefully or at least picking more creative swear words. (#5)

I believe that some things can be funny some places but not others, while a few things are funny wherever they happen, be it funeral or wedding. Chief among these is the vaunted “rabbit ears.” (#6)

I believe in the karma of tipping, and if you stiff someone, it will come back to you, possibly in the form of a run-over cat. (#7)

I believe the world should elect me their king. (#8, #9, Life)

I believe you should never miss a chance to say thank you. I believe if you don’t think you have anything to be thankful for, look harder. (#13, #79)

I believe we often solve the wrong problem. (#16)

I believe lying to our children will come back to haunt us, sometimes in the way we least expect. I believe lying to anybody sets this up, but especially children. (#19)

I believe that it’s easy for me to say that, having no kids, and if I did have kids, I’d probably lie to them hourly, on general principle alone.

I believe babies should not be naked in commercials. It may seem harmless, but mark my words; it sets a precedent that will be used for ill will one day. (#20)

I believe that no one owns the rights to Jesus. People have the right to get mad if they feel someone is saying or depicting inaccuracy, but that doesn’t make them right or any more righteous (other than maybe self-righteous) than the person presenting new ideas and viewpoints. I believe no one knows nearly as much about Jesus as they think they’d do, and would be no better at predicting his behavior today than his contemporaries were then. (#22, #86)

I believe there was a lot more sex and general naughtiness in our culture seventy-five years ago then the older generation would admit to. I believe Shirley Temple is a prime example. (#25)

I believe my parents are the greatest people in the world, and if anyone says different, Asses will be kicked. (#26, #28)

I believe movies are not for everyone, but for those who can appreciate them they are an artistic medium that is capable of combining the best things about books, plays, and paintings, and there is I nothing else you can say that about.

I believe stuffed animals make every situation better. (#31)

I believe for most normal people, the unwritten rules of a society are far more important than the written ones. (#37)

I believe life was a lot simpler when my biggest problem was that I had to order off the Kids’ Menu. (#41)

I believe that FDR was a traitor, and should not but up there in the pantheon with Washington, Lincoln, and Polk. (#42)

I believe you read that correctly: I said Polk.

I believe we should get rid of pennies. (#46)

I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride. Oh, wait. That’s what Whitney Houston believes, but I subscribe to it too.

I believe Michael Jackson is innocent. Clueless, perhaps, but innocent. (#46, #99)

I believe if a mother kills her five children, she’s responsible. If she was crazy and went off her medication, than that’s the premeditated act, but she’s still responsible, no matter how sad it is. (#49)

I believe Q-Tips are a malevolent presence. (#50)

I believe if I had to do it all over again, I’d have done anything to keep my dog Barry. (#52)

I believe we are woefully ignorant of most of the important figures in history. (#53)

I believe it will be a better world when ethnicity ceases to be the first defining factor of a person. (#54)

I believe there is nothing intrinsically wrong with the French, other than not bathing, smoking all the time, a smarmy attitude, and a propensity to get involved in a friendly game of dodge ball with a Girl Scout Troop and end up surrendering the country. I believe it is the French government that is responsible for so much of the ill will lately.

On a completely different subject, I believe that if you get your fannies kicked in two world wars and are only saved when a country comes across the Atlantic to rescue you, and then loans your country billions of dollars to rebuild and never makes you pay it back, you should show some respect. I’m not saying you should be a lap dog or a yes man, but there should be some sense of history involved beyond your own greed.

I believe that if you saved a country twice, lent it billions to rebuild, and then they got an attitude and tried to thwart you at all times, you should collect on your debt with interest.

I believe you should never stop in the middle of a ho-down. (#57)

I believe the base, voyeuristic instincts in our culture that cable news foments will one day cause me to go live on a mountain and yell at the goats. (#58, #69, #74)

I believe if we knew how we made people feel, we would never stop being ashamed of ourselves. (#59)

I believe we didn’t get America nearly as nobly as we like to believe we did. And I believe our history is not as pristine as a virgin bride. However, we are here now, and are sometimes able to do good. (#60)

For those who criticize the American government, I say: I believe our government is the worst possible government there is, except for all the others. Maybe “We suck less” isn’t much of a rallying cry, but I believe that all those who vociferously criticize should realize that while what they say may have merit, and while we definitely need to improve, it’s still the best governmental set-up in the history of the world. I don’t know if that should make me proud or depressed, but there it is.

I believe war is always terrible, and costs innocent lives. And I believe sometimes doing nothing is worse. (#61, #62, #63, #64, #65, #71, #97, #98)

Conversely, I believe war can be funny, if you’re far enough away from it that no one is left who remembers it. (#67, #68)

Actually, I believe anything can be funny in certain contexts. You should see my ideas for the Worst Sitcom ever.

I believe, when it is all said and done, The Simpsons is the greatest show in history. (#66)

I believe that when someone tells you their name, what they say is what they want to be called. (#69)

I believe there is a special place in hell reserved for people who give away the ending to good movies. (#69)

I believe you can back down from a Dare if it’s foolish, and also from a Double Dare and even a Double Dog Dare, if the dare in question might kill you. However, if all the forms are followed and you are dared all the way up to a Triple Dog Dare (which, as anyone knows, is the highest dare), I believe you must do that dare, even if you never speak to any of the people daring you again. (Obviously this does not apply to women, who have more sense and have no need to look manly in front of others) (#70)

I believe all babies are ugly. (#75)

I believe people can be born different, no matter how uncomfortable that idea makes you. (#76)

I believe favors should be used as a higher form of commodity. I believe that if you owe someone a favor, and they ask for something back, you should do all you can to repay them with your time, effort, or knowledge. I do not believe you should do favors for others expecting to get them back, but when favors are done for you they should be treated like loaned money, regardless of how others behave.

I believe it’s good to think about what we would do if we only had one more day, meal, or conversation, and then act on that now. (#77)

I believe all female nudity is for artistic purposes. (#80)

I believe grape Popsicles are superior to all other forms of Popsicles, no matter what Mississippi Debutantes say. (#80)

I believe I will never eat cottage cheese. (#81)

I believe I can fly. (#82)

I believe I will propose on the spot to any woman who knows more about the Wheel of Time than I do. (#83)

I believe we should barter as many of our transactions as possible. I believe the federal government not only has far too much money as it is, but they have demonstrated a clear lack of ability to spend said money with anything less than Monopoly-like abandon. Therefore, I believe that it is out duty to impose discipline on them by depriving them of as much money as legally possible by bartering all we can. (Note: this also fits into the Favor philosophy)

I believe if you are reading this email, you have a whole lot more to be thankful about than to complain. (#84)

I believe one should never write an email when one is snarling. (#87)

I believe in the Ancient Law of the McMuffin. (#88)

I believe that college football should have a national playoff. (#89)

I believe light saber duels could be the secret to world peace. (#89)

I believe you should never apologize for how you feel. (#92)

I believe in the BLKF Theory. (#92)

I believe you can’t teach someone what it’s like to lose love. (#92)

I believe some things are what they are, and nothing we do can change that. (#92)

I believe some of us want to be miserable. (#94)

I believe you have the right to be ignorant. I believe most of the country is apparently already on this bandwagon. (#95)

I believe in magic. (Shoobeedoobeedoowap)

I believe things are getting better, even if we can’t see them in our day-to-day lives. I believe that if we understood history more fully, the things we whine about would, by comparison, seem pretty silly. I believe we can continue to fight injustice and make things better without ever losing perspective that the world is not as terrible as it was 200, 500, 1000, or 5000 years ago, and not nearly as bad as we like to make out. I believe that great things are ahead of us, and the best is yet to come.

And I believe this column is done. (#101)

Hyperion
February 28, 2003