The Hyperion Chronicles
“Guaranteed to shock and/or awe you”
#104 The Lighter Side of War
Okay. Before you get mad and start carpet emailing me hate letters, let’s all admit war is a horrible thing, and very sad. And that goes for both sides. I heard Lews Therin once say the only thing sadder than a battle won is a battle lost. Be that as it may, there are some funny things that have cropped up lately, if for no other reason than the absurdity of their juxtaposition with so much pain and strife. And, as I have two very serious war columns coming later this week, I thought I would try to lighten the mood a bit with some observations I’ve had that you may find humorous in spite of yourself. And, since I’m never happy, I have a few things I want to complain about too. If you’re sick of the politics of war, worry not: I spelled out my position in column #98, and that’s not my purpose here. I just want to share what goes through my head while watching the same stuff on TV you have been. Thanks for playing along.
Somewhere, Crazy Horse is Laughing
One of the things that struck me was how every single news outlet used the same term, “shock and awe,” which I now gather they got straight from the Pentagon itself. When I first heard it though, it was in conjunction with those Tomahawk missiles, and I couldn’t help but think that “shock and awe” was some sort of Native Tribe, you know, like the Cherokee, the Chinook, the Apache, the Shockinaws. I know I’m not the only one. C’mon, who else thought that? Where’s my people?
If it’s not negative, it’s not news
I heard once a newscaster say they never talk about the hundreds of thousands of planes that land, only the one that doesn’t. Oh, prophetic words. Long-time readers of my column know my profound annoyance with the News Media, and their attempt to sensationalize everything they can. For example, in the first couple of days, it was noted that 10-12 oil wells were on fire. There were some corresponding pictures, and it indeed did sound bad. But, what they didn’t tell you is that there are many oil wells for each oil field, and none of the oil fields were on fire. This is the equivalent of the paper plate section of the grocery store being out of stock, and the news reporting it as if the shelves were empty. Let me put it another way. When there were 12 oil wells on fire, which means that over 1000 weren’t. That’s what the story should have been, but honesty and journalism don’t go together nearly as well as sensationalism and journalism does.
GRRRRR
Here’s another example: I’ve railed for years about how cable news makes celebrities out of criminals, and makes such circuses out of the whole thing. That’s why every time there is any prurient crime, you see former victims’ families trotted out on TV to give their opinion. I realize for some of these people they are just trying to find purpose in their lives, but to me, it has always seemed indecent that so much pressure is put on them. Well, now it gets worse. I suppose it should be a compliment to how good the military is, relatively speaking, that every single combat death basically gets their own half hour memorial on TV (something there was never time for in WWII, Korea, or Vietnam, with such large numbers of casualties), but I still hate it. The News media rushes to the homes of the victims, in some cases telling the families before the military gets to. Then they stick 40 cameras in their face and egg them on with stupid questions, trying to get some sort of reaction that will look good on the evening news. Most of us wouldn’t do well with cameras in our face, and most of us aren’t thinking clearly when loved ones are dead or missing. To combine the two and then present it like great theatre. Just pisses me off.
Okay, I realize I’m doing a lot more whining then humor, so I’ll try harder to be in a good mood.
I’m secretly hoping for Baby Rumsfeld
There are some surprising remnants from the first gulf war. My friend Kimbo saw an Iraqi family being interviewed on CNN. The couple had about 12 children, ranging from young adulthood to still in swaddling clothes. The father was introducing the kids as, “Adbul, Nafar, Taziz, Qudai, Dick Cheney, Ammal…” One of the children, who looked to have been about 12 years old, was I guess born during the conflict, and named after one of the heroes the first time around, at least in the father’s eyes.
Henry Ford would be proud
Another thing I’ve noticed is more generals than you can shake a stick at. Every single channel seems to have at least 4 retired generals to talk incessantly. Some of them (and I won’t mention any names, in case any of your are related to Wesley Clark) I don’t see how they ever became generals in the first place. I’m firmly convinced they have a safe at home with many compromising pictures of Pentagon officials. Anyway, the other night I went to get the paper, and in the car I listened to three radio stations, each of which had at least one general; and one was a local station! I never knew there were that many generals in military history. It finally occurred to me that Retired General must be a cottage industry these days. I think they even have an assembly line.
It could have been the King, with those big specs…
All right; show of hands: that first night after the “target of opportunity” to take out the “senior” military leadership, when Saddam appeared on camera, how many of you thought it was him? In the house I’m staying, opinion was divided. We then learned that he has all sorts of doubles he uses for security, and the plot thickened. I heard one analyst say it was either a body double, or Saddam was very tired and stressed. Well, let’s see: he was in a bunker that was bombed by three-dozen missiles, and half his senior staff and maybe one of his kids died. He probably spent the rest of the night hiding in a hole somewhere. I could see how that would make him tired and stressed. Those glasses were a hoot, though. It’s too bad he didn’t start wearing them sooner, or the casting director for the Harry Potter movies might have made a different choice.
Say what you want about Saddam…No, really. Go ahead.
Who would you rather see naked: Saddam or that Richard guy?
What I meant to write was; say what you want about Saddam, but you have to give him this, the man is a survivor. I’m pretty sure he would have done well on that CBS reality show. Of course, he might not try to make friends and influence people, but I don’t see him leaving the island voluntarily, even if he was voted off.
I’d pay money to hear him sing “The Sun will Come out Tomorrow”
Saddam is also the eternal optimist. Of course, this goes along, I suppose, with being a long-lived survivor in a land that doesn’t promote long life. Time and time again, Saddam has survived where others haven’t. He started a war with Iran in 1980, and while the Ayatollah Khomeini is gone, Saddam is still there. Saddam got crushed in the Gulf War, but you have to admit, George Bush and John Major are no longer in power, but Saddam is. No wonder he thinks he’s going to survive. Of course, his optimism this time stretches credibility, but then again, Full House did last 8 years, so stranger things have happened.
I wonder who gave him the beret…
But if he weren’t an evil-about-to-die dictator, he’d make a great political spin-meister. Saddam had monuments erected after the Gulf War to proclaim his victory, and got many Iraqis to believe it. This time too we’ve seen him come on TV after being shelled badly and try to spin it as a good thing for his regime. It almost feels oddly familiar when he talks: “I did not have bombing relations with that army, the imperialist hordes.”
And for any of you thinking I’m abominable for comparing Bill Clinton to Saddam Hussein; of course you’re right. Would someone let Saddam know I’m sorry?
Just kidding, world. Take care until next time.
Hyperion
Credits:
Thanks to Kimbo for story
Thanks to Annie for betting her bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be sun
Thanks to Koz for font help
Thanks to Baby Rumsfeld for being an inspiration
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