The Hyperion Chronicles
“I give this column two snaps in a circle”
#121 Movies I: It’s all how you look at it
This past Wednesday was fun for me. All day long I jumped around, excited for night to finally get here. You see, I had tickets to the opening of The Matrix Reloaded, and I was quite psyched to see it. For me, movies are like that. I get into them. I imagine it’s the same as Opening Day for a baseball fanatic, when the base paths are chalked, the pine tar liberally applied, the lights turned on, and the games begin to count. I imagine it’s what a stalwart believer feels when the Billy Graham Crusade comes to town. I imagine it’s what a kid feels like on the first day of summer when hears that familiar ice-cream truck refrain two streets over.
All of that made me realize I want to write about movies. Not just specific movies, arguing over what is good and bad, but about movies and movie culture. I want to talk about what makes a good movie, and why we chose to see certain movies and not others. I want to talk about previews, movie etiquette, and the whole theatre experience.
I also want to get your opinion. Below I’ve listed some categories I want you, my precious readers, to answer, to tell me what you like and don’t like. I will put your answers in a future column in this series. And for those of you who aren’t keen on movies, don’t worry. I’m going to (hopefully) spread this out a little, so you won’t be inundated with something you don’t care for. In the meantime, try to enjoy it: maybe you’ll find something you like.
Today I want to talk about how movies are reviewed. If you’re like me, you get mighty sick of movie reviewers. A more pompous set of jerks you’d have a hard time amassing. What I hate is when they try to prove how smart they are (I guess to justify their job, which basically consists of watching movies for a living and then writing about it), by throwing in all these references, and explaining how this movie is just like some 1933 German film you’ve never heard of. Yeah, I get it; you’re smart. Just tell me about this movie, and what you thought; jackass.
What drives me even crazier, though, is when they start psychoanalyzing the director or actors. I’m sure you’ve read something like this; “Director X is doing this to show how sophisticated and cutting edge he is, and blah blah blah.” Or: “Actor Y looks embarrassed to be on camera, as if he knows how bad the script is.” GRRRRRRRRR. What I want to know in a review is what the reviewer thinks and why. Not Freudian analysis of the director’s bad childhood. Luckily, I have developed a much better system.
[If you want to see this in action, read my reviews of X-Men II and Matrix Reloaded, exclusive to Hyperion X subscribers. If you’re not a Hyperion X subscriber, write me soon and request a spot: they’re limited and going fast]
Anyway, what I do when I review is to go over the movie briefly, to give a feel for the movie without revealing key points or surprises. I also try to give comparative archetypes, for example: “if you’re like my mother, and love happy endings, you’ll love this movie;” that sort of thing. Instead of thumbs up or 4 Stars, though, I actually have three ratings, to try to make the movie easier to understand.
The first rating I do is a Skepticism Scale. This is a fancy way of saying how much “instant belief” you need to have to watch a film. Many of you might not have any problem with this, but you’d be surprised at how many people get worked up over a movie because they don’t know how serious to take it. I’ll give you an example. You know the movie Independence Day? At the end, Jeff Goldblum’s character uploads a virus into the Alien mother ship from his Apple laptop computer. I knew several people who got very upset by this: calling it unrealistic. I guess Aliens invading in gigantic ships, Will Smith being able to fly their planes after watching the Alien craft in action, and the hero of the world being a drunk guy in a crop-duster was one thing, but it was just beyond belief that the Aliens would have an Apple computer-based system, when everyone in the universe uses Microsoft Windows!
So that’s what the Skepticism Scale is for, rated on a scale from 1-10. A movie like Saving Private Ryan, for instance, would rate a 2, for it is trying to get virtually every detail of war correct. So, if a bloodthirsty clown suddenly emerges from the sewers to swallow a small child whole, that’s a legitimate gripe. On the other hand, a movie like Monsters Inc. (rates a 9.5) features computer animated monsters who live in another world powered by little kids’ screams, so you should be prepared for anything. (Although if a blood-thirsty clown emerges in a Disney movie, that might be cause for complaint too)
The second rating I do is a Genre Grade. What this means is that I compare the movie to other movies like it. A movie like Sleepless in Seattle, for example, might not win any awards, but would still get an A- in the Romance Genre. Not every movie aspires to be Citizen Cane, and I think many reviewers get confused when they are rating the movie. This way a reader who liked a certain type of film, like action or historical, could see how the movie stacks up with others of its own kind.
The third way I rate movies is to give a Pantheon Percentile. (It’s a lame name, I know, but I’m working on an alliteration theme, so cut me some slack) What this means is I place the movie in the overall pantheon of every movie every made. An average movie, then, would score a 50, being better than 50% of the movies out there. The best movie ever made would get a 99 (by definition it’s impossible to score a hundred). This lets the reader know how good the movie is overall, and gives a lot more flexibility than a few little stars or a thumb or two.
So, that’s how I do it. I think my way gives the reader more information, which is what they’re looking for, to decide whether they want to invest the $900 it costs to see a movie nowadays.
Now it’s your turn.
I would like you, my Reading Rabble, to write in and tell me about your opinions. I’ll tabulate the responses and report them in another column in a couple of weeks, as well as my own “definitive” answers. The categories I want you to answer are:
What are the best 3 movies from each decade? Or 5 or 10 if you just can’t narrow it down.
What are the 26 best movies starting with each letter of the alphabet? And no, for all you anal people out there, “a” and “the” do not count for their respective letters. Also, anyone who puts Yentl for “Y” will be ruthlessly mocked.
What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? If anyone puts Star Wars here, I’m hunting you down.
What is your favorite movie? This is different from what you think is the “best” movie. If you write and tell me your favorite movie is Benji The Hunted, fine: that’s your opinion, and you’re entitled to it. If you write and tell me Benji is the greatest movie ever made…that’s fine too, but you better have a good explanation that somehow involves at least two Fundamental Theorems of Thermodynamics.
What is the most overrated movie? We call this the Margaret Mitchell question.
What is the most underrated movie? Or, to put it another way; what movie did you most think you’d hate, and it turned out you absolutely love (and maybe even are ashamed to like so much)?
What are the all-time greatest scenes? You can rank this by humor, drama, romance, and just overall coolness.
Asking to narrow down the “best” actors and actresses (more on that point in another column) is too hard, but I want to know who are your favorite actors?
Finally, I want to know the first movie that changed you, or had a profound effect on you some way. Also, what movie has had the greatest impact on your life?
And anything else you can think of that I missed and I should know and possibly share with the rest of the readers.
I know that’s asking a lot of you people. But I spent all this time writing it. The least you can do is write back.
T’ai Qin;
Hyperion
Credits
Thanks to Bear, Laureate, and Zachary for help on structure
Thanks to Tootsie for reading it through and help with Editing
Thanks to Koz for research and Ideas, and Happy Anniversary, big guy
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