The Hyperion Chronicles

the Hyperion Chronicles

"Home of the OJ Innocence Project"

#122 Hyperion Says...

Howdy, Loyal Readers. I was working on today's column-quite a doozy, I might add-when another idea struck me. There are several issues in the news I felt led to comment on. So, I put away the opus for a day or two and jotted down some current events, and my responses. I have no idea if this will go ever well, and start a new periodic series, or be received like a gift from a heinous aunt, and be returned unopened. Nonetheless, I had fun writing it. And if you don't like it, you know what to do...

RUFFLED FEATHERS

You've heard about the Dixie Chicks? For my troglodytic readers, the Dixie Chicks are a country music trio that has owned the genre the last six years and made significant inroads into mainstream music as well. Anyway, they were performing in England before the start of the war, and their lead singer told the audience she was ashamed that President George Bush came from her home state of Texas.

Immediately there was a firestorm back in America. Critics said that A) they shouldn't be attacking the president on the brink of war, B) they sure shouldn't be doing it on foreign soil, and C) Obviously they wanted all the troops to die. Reaction was swift as the Chicks' latest album, which had been dominating the best-seller charts, took a nosedive in sales it has yet to recover from.

In the country music world the condemnation was the worst. Country music fans tend to be a patriotic crowd, and many country-format radio stations refused to play the Dixie Chicks' music. Some even staged events where former fans would bring their CDs and stomp or burn them. This is perhaps understandable in a music culture where we get such flag-waving songs like "I'm Proud to be an American," and the newer, more controversial "Have you Forgotten?" a song that graphically speaks of the events of September 11 and the need for war against the perpetrators.

The Dixie Chicks were pilloried on all fronts, which led to magazine articles where they defended themselves and clearly iterated their support for the troops, and counter attacks by those in the media who said the backlash was McCarthyism and so forth.

Hyperion Says it's all much ado about nothing. I have watched supercilious artists, politicians and other media-whores on television talking about the "chilling effect" this will have and censorship and how everyone not pro-war is intimidated. I don't know if they actually believe that or are reading a script. I guess there is some merit to it, as the smear-du-jour is to label someone as anti-American, unpatriotic, or-the kiss of death-against the troops if they say anything against the war.

There was a similar fuss when Michael Moore gave an anti-Bush and anti-war speech at the Oscars during the war after winning best "documentary," and was booed by the admittedly liberal Oscar crowd.

The phrase that most readily comes to my mind is an old Cairhien expression: "Take what you want, and pay for it." In America, speech is, for the most part, protected, and the Dixie Chicks and Michael Moore can say what they want. In Moore's case, what did people expect? He won an Oscar for a documentary that had more fiction then the average soap opera about how guns are evil. Moore is a true believer, and has always skewed facts to fit his ideological agenda. You just knew he was going to use the platform to spout off. Several people told me that they felt it was inappropriate, for him to give his views at the Oscars. Why do they believe that? How is a made-up awards show filled with made-up people about made-up movies the wrong place for a guy with a made-up documentary to give his made-up opinions?

As for the Dixie Chicks, no one owes them anything. They are free to say whatever they want, and they are responsible for what they say. That means if they spout lies, they can be sued. If they encourage assassinations, they can be prosecuted. And if they say political things that their very conservative fan base doesn't like, they can see their album sales fall through the floor. If they can live with that, then everybody wins.

MORE CHICKS, THIS TIME HITTING BIRDIES

Annika Sorenstam is playing this week in the Bank of America Colonial, a golf tournament run by the PGA. Sorenstam is the first women to do so since Babe Didrikson Zaharias played the L.A. Open in 1945. (Now there was an athlete. You can read more about her here) Sorenstam has been the talk of the sporting world; everything from being hailed as a scion for women's' golf (much like Tiger Woods was a few years ago to non-white kids), to being criticized as an attention-grabbing circus clown, who's taking away a spot (and the proverbial bread out of the mouth) of some deserving male player.

Hyperion Says people need to relax. First off, Annika is playing on a sponsor's exemption, and they can give those to whomever they want; from struggling male pros to Richard Simmons. The sponsors have an agenda to not only put on a good tournament, but also make as much money as possible, and the free press that Sorenstam's appearance has brought Bank One has been a gold mine. And it's not like she's going to embarrass herself. (As of this writing, Sorenstam had shot a respectable 1-over 71 on her first day, equaling one and bettering the other of her two playing partners)

The bigger issue is the idea of mixing the genders in the sporting world. Men are, in general, better athletes than women. There are a lot of biological and cultural reasons for this, but that's another column. For now, without any political debate, let's just accept that. More importantly, the best male golfers in the world are much better than the best female golfers.

That's why the LPGA-the women's professional tour-was created in the first place, so women could compete and have a realistic chance to win. Accordingly, it makes sense that in their charter they only allow women; hence the LPGA.

But the PGA is the best tour and should have the best players. It's thought of as the men's tour because, like I wrote, men are the best golfers at that level. But, if a woman can compete at that level, why shouldn't she? Sorenstam has shredded the women's tour for several years, and wants to do something different. As long as she plays by the same rules, and doesn't get special treatment, why not? I'd let a gorilla play if it could follow the rules.

More importantly, though, are the long-term implications. For a publicity stunt, I don't have a problem with Annika receiving a sponsor's exemption. In the future, though, it won't sit well unless she earns her way into tournaments by qualifying as any male golfer would. And this will be an issue: mark my words. There is a 13-year old girl from Hawaii named Michelle Wie who already plays-and plays well-on the women's tour. Wie hits it further than most professional men, and when she talks, she doesn't speak of being the Tiger Woods of women's golf. She talks about beating Tiger Woods. The fact is, the gap between men and women is getting narrower, but again, that's several more columns worth of stuff to talk about. More on that later.

A TUBE FULL OF BOOBS

By show of hands, how many of you watched a small part, a good amount, or even every blasted minute of American Idol? Actually, now that I think about it, I have a lot to say about this, so I'm going to save what I wrote for another day, another column. (I know: I'm such a tease)

But while I'm thinking about it, is anyone a little sad that the television season is pretty much over? I was, a little bit. Like many of you, I watched the last few episodes of favorite shows with anticipation. Several of them disappointed me toward the end, and I found a couple of new favorites. Then there were the shows I'll be talking about and thinking about for some time. Such delicious moments! I am a bit ashamed at how much TV I watch, but when I analyze it, I'm not mad for the well-written compelling programming I make time for. It's the hours and hours of bad TV I let seep into my brain that bothers me. TV and radio are wholly unlike a movie or a play, where you have to choose to go to them. And yes, I know I have to choose to turn the radio or television on, but there's something pervasively subversive about these two devices. When I'm at home or in a car, it's so easy to turn them on. I can be passive, and have no more participation than flipping channels or stations.

Hyperion Says that this needs to stop. I don't mind spending an hour for a quality program that will enrich my life, but useless TV is a vampire; sucking away the hours from me. That's why I pledge to go the entire summer without watching moronic programming or something I've seen before. That means no infomercials, no game shows, no syndicated sitcoms, no "classic" Seinfeld or Friends episode I know I love. It will be tough, but I'm tough. If anyone decides to join me in this, let me know, and we can encourage each other. More importantly, we can self-righteously mock everyone else.

Let's see...what else is in the news?

SARS and Mad Cow...the whole world seems to be in danger of dying. Hyperion Says they are both conspiracies, like the New World Order, the Kennedy Assassination, or PMS, and not to believe in any of it.

Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda...again; the whole world seems to be in danger of dying. Hyperion Says terrorists need better Public Relations reps, or at some point even Quakers are going to pick up their pitchforks and start fighting.

Magic Pygmy Rabbits have been spotted at the United Nations headquarters. Hyperion Says be afraid. Be very afraid.

There's more news, but I'm tired of talking about it. So, unless this column idea goes over much better than I predict, and there's a grass-roots campaign for more...that's all for now.

Zaijian.

Hyperion
May 23, 2003

Credits
Thanks to Koz for ideas
Thanks to Laureate for html help