"I wonder if Invention's mother, Necessity, doesn't like him to swear either"
#124 The Alvy™Awards
Recently I came across a great web page that listed the best new inventions of 2002. Among them are Braille Gloves, Dog Translators, and perhaps my favorite, the Ultra-Bubble, which extends the life of bubbles up to five minutes. I know what you're thinking: "Where has that been all my life?" (For more, see the link at the end or click here)
These inventions got me to thinking about other, perhaps lesser-known but still very deserving inventions in our history. Everyone hails the printing press, the light bulb, and the Spice Channel, but what about the everyday things that we couldn't do without?
Again, I know what you're thinking: "There needs to be recognition for these items!" Well, I'm glad you brought it up. In response to the great public demand from my Readers, I am awarding the first ever Alvy™Awards, named after that great inventor himself, Alvin, of the Chipmunks. Just kidding, O/C sufferers. Please don't write me a letter. I really am naming it after Alvava of the Little Rascals. Past winners have included Sweet Tea, Soap, and Salt & Pepper (not to be confused with the rap group Salt & Peppa).
Anyway, without further ado, let's get to these 10 winners. If you think of one that I missed, by all means send it in and I will be happy to include it in another batch. The criteria are that they are everyday items, but not heralded like they should be.
Oh, and just in case people are confused and popping Valium, the Alvy™Awards are actually a reference to the great inventor Thomas Alva Edison.
THE ALVIES™
Corn Holders: One time when corn-hold is a good thing
One of the most enjoyable things here for the staff at the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian Studies is to boil up some corn on a hot summer night, slather it with real butter (not margarine, like some treasonous fools suggest) and salt, and dig in. This is all possible because of Corn Holders; ingenious devices that you stick into each side of an ear of corn, to allow those without asbestos hands (auto mechanics, pizza cooks, and mothers) to enjoy it. You probably have a few sitting around in that secondary silverware drawer at home. (You know; the one that holds the irregular utensils that don't get to the main drawer; the equivalent of the kids' table at Thanksgiving) The next time you go in that drawer for a pizza cutter, ice cream scoop, or those weird salad tongs, take a second to salute those unheralded Alvy™-winning Corn Holders.
Straws: Sometimes it's good to suck
Hyperion Institute staff member Kimbo suggested this item, and I immediately agreed. Straws rule! (By the way, here's a great joke you can tell. When someone gets to the end of their drink, and they are making that end-of-fluid sound, you say: "You know what nationality that sound is? It's finished!" (Finnish) then laugh uproariously) Anyway, straws are great because they let you drink your beverage without having to tip it up to your lips, and who has time to do that these days? Plus, if your straw comes in a wrapper, you can blow it at the person across the table. That should almost be worth an Alvy™in itself.
Jedi Warriors: An Alvy™ it deserves
Let's be honest, before Star Wars, did your life have any meaning? Maybe it did if you were Mother Theresa or Evel Knievel (or their rumored love-child), but for the rest of us, life was one boring day after another. And then there was The Force, and a whole new world opened up. Suddenly science fiction wasn't limited to cheesy Flash Gordon serials and planets with Apes on them. I bet you can tell me the time and place you first saw Star Wars and learned about the Force, and how it affected you. And how many of you have secretly practiced using a light-saber or wished for knowledge of the Jedi Mind Trick to cloak your dirty room from your parents? Yes, Star Wars made us realize what had once been possible (albeit a long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away). For teaching us how cool Cool could be; an Alvyä for all Jedi Warriors, no matter what side of the Force they follow.
Melted Cheese: Proof that cows aren't entirely evil
Cheese is the glue that holds the universe together. Without it, I'm sure we'd be fighting each other all the time. I mean more than we are now. Melted Cheese also has the ability to make otherwise inedible foods passable, like many in the vegetable world. And it takes otherwise boring foods, like tortilla chips, potatoes, and baked bread, and turns them into nachos, 'tato skins, and pizza. So let's give it up for Melted Cheese, and pass the fondue pot.
Post-Modernism: 'Cause someone has to win the Nerdy Alvy™
Everyone has a different definition of Post-Modernism. Some like to call anyone born after Watergate Post-Modern (or Po-Mo, as the kids say nowadays). Some call Post-Modernism existential expression. Even bartender Moe Sislak had his own definition of Po-Mo: "Weird for the sake of being weird." We here at the Hyperion Institute define Post-Modernism as "self-aware." Basically, it's any kind of art that lets you know it's aware you're watching (first perfected by the great Bard himself, Bill S., with his soliloquies to the audience). It's what makes shows like Seinfeld and The Simpsons possible. This has led to the rise of ironic humor, self-referential humor, and every type of "wink-wink" jokes you've seen in books, TV, Paintings, and movies over the last twenty years. I'm not saying there aren't other kinds of humor, but I am sure glad we have this one.
Bugs Bunny: Wazzzzzzzzzzzup, Doc?
Along with Homer Simpson and Destro, Bugs Bunny is the coolest cartoon ever, and our Alvy™ winner. Bugs never was at a loss for a biting quip, and for you hater-old people, Bugs also taught us to eat our veggies (he was forever munching on a carrot), and to love our enemies (with his well-placed but still manly kisses). What more could you want in a role model?
4th Earl of Sandwich: Historical Alvy™ props to Homie-Earl
As hard as it is to believe, for most of history the sandwich didn't exist. They had the bread, they had the meat, and if lucky, they had the cheese, but no one thought to put them together! Actually, sandwiches were originally in the Leviticus Code, but they were so preoccupied with blood they had to cut that section. Anyway, it wasn't until John Montague, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, visited France in 1748 and came back with this idea to put bread and meat together that the sandwich became a world-wide phenomenon. Now, some will say that since the Earl got the idea in France the French should actually get credit, and those people are invited to make and wear a large sign that reads "I am ashamed to be from the same country as George Bush, and I kick dogs" while roaming the grounds of a music festival. For the rest of us, we lift a 40 to the great Earl, and then wash down our sandwich with it.
THE TOP THREE
BRONZE MEDAL
Snooze Button: The 9 most important minutes imaginable
I don't know why it is, but every morning (or for some of you, afternoon), it seems that the nine little minutes the Snooze Button provides are more important than all the hours you managed before. (To learn about why it's 9 minutes instead of 10, see the link at the end or click here) What other invention could get us to do quantum-level mathematics while still half-asleep? "Let's see: if I take a shower and skip breakfast I can make it to work...Let's see: if I skip the shower and breakfast and speed all the way...Let's see, if I skip getting dressed and steal an ambulance..." For teaching us math and giving us 9 extra precious minutes, the Bronze Alvy™ goes to the Snooze Button.
SILVER MEDAL
Deck of Cards: Who doesn't love the Queen of Spades?
In a close vote, the Deck of Cards was barely edged out for the Gold, but proudly bears the Silver. A Deck of Cards allows you to never be alone, as you Solitaire fiends know. The joke goes that a Cub Scout was asked what essential item he would want if lost in the woods, and replied a deck of cards, over a flashlight or compass. When asked why, he said, "I'd sit down to play Solitaire, and ten minutes later someone would look over my shoulder and tell me to play the red nine on the black ten." Kidding aside, many of you know the joys of playing cards: it makes wasting time seem productive! I've made more friends in card games than my winning personality has ever gotten me. There is something magical, even holy, about opening a brand new deck for that first "virgin shuffle," and sitting down for two hours (or ten or twelve) to wile away the night with cards, food, and friends. Sniff Sniff. This Silver Alvy™ is well deserved.
GOLD MEDAL
Remote Control: A touch of Heaven at the push of a button
Our Gold Medal winner is so sacred to me, I don't have very many clever things to say about it. When I think of all those people who grew up without remote controls, I wonder how the world survived as long as it did. The Remote has become the central factor in our lives. I'll prove it to you: when the remote is losing it's power, you'll hold it upside down, move closer, or even bang it against hard objects (like your head), all in an effort to appease the Remote Control gods and get the volume button to work. And when the Remote Gnomes have hidden it from you? You'll "decide" you want to watch whatever happens to be on. (Which Hyperion maintains is the only reason why he was caught watching Blossom once. It has nothing to do with that dreamy Joey Lawrence) The Remote Control has allowed us to, as Jerry Seinfeld put it, "To care less about what is on and more about what else is on." It also allows us to watch 6 programs simultaneously, all while checking the scores of our favorite games. Perhaps most of all, the Remote Control allows us to miss commercials, and that's worth the Gold Alvy™ by itself.
There's your list. I'm sure I didn't get to some of your favorites, so write and tell me about them. Until then, I remain faithfully yours.
Zaijian,
Hyperion
May 28, 2003
Legal Boilerplate
Bronze, Silver, and Gold Medals used by permission from International Olympic Committee. All rights reserved
Jedi, The Force, and all Star Wars references used by permission from LucasFilm. All rights reserved
The Alvy™ Awards are owned and licensed by The Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian Studies and its parent company, Black Ajah LTD. Any use without express written permission is prohibited
[Obviously I made all of the above up, but since it's the first time I ever had Legal Boilerplate I thought I'd include it for nostalgia's sake. sniff sniff]
Credits
Thanks to Kimbo for great idea on the Straw
Thanks to Koz for editing
0 comments:
Post a Comment