the Hyperion Chronicles
“This column is a very good thing”
#128 Martha Martha Martha
I’ve been working on a column for over a year now where I list some rather odd things about me and ask whether or not I should be embarrassed. Unfortunately, cool as I am, there is not much that I do wrong. Hence; it’s been 13 months and still no column.
But the events of the last couple of days got me to thinking that maybe I should take one of the items on the list and make a complete column about it. So, in her honor, today I’d like to talk about Martha Stewart.
I used to hate Martha, but it was an ignorant hate. I went through this stage where I hated people like Martha Stewart, Kathy Lee Gifford, and Oprah Winfrey because it was the “thing to do.” I got to thinking about it, though, and realized it was stupid to profess antipathy for someone just based on stereotype. I want to be better than that. So, I gave up hating Martha, but I really never thought about her one way or another.
Then I got into the Food Network, and I started watching her show. The things this woman could do with a pipe cleaner and a pair of pliers! And she could cook! I began to see her in a whole new light. When I found out she was super wealthy and had made untold riches in the securities market…I was sold. I mean; a woman who can make money all day, come home and bake you a pie to eat in a fort she built? I was in love.
Now, I know there have been unflattering portrayals of my girl in books and movies, claiming that off camera Martha was quite the mega-bitch. But at the risk of offending every woman reader for the second time in ten days, what woman isn’t that way from time to time? For that matter, I myself am not a 24/7 bundle of joy, and have been called much worse. So what? Love isn’t about finding someone without faults. Love is about finding someone who can make kickin’ nachos and can design cool jack-o-lanterns, all while earning 46% per year on her investments.
Now the news has come out that perhaps there was more than smart investing in Martha’s moneymaking. The “Man” has even seen fit to indict Martha on several “charges.” I read the indictment. It is a song and dance. I’ve written about this before, but it seems like our culture has a real sadistic joy in tearing down people who’ve done well for themselves. The Justice Department has a particular bent on going after high-profile targets, especially when they are trying to save face.
If you will recall, this happened in the ‘90s. The Justice Department had let quite a few scandals go, and to salvage their credibility they indicted Microsoft and Bill Gates. Hogwash. If anyone is a 400 lb. gorilla it’s AOL. Anyway, the last couple of yeas have seen the Justice Department virtually impotent while big companies like Enron and Global Crossings bilked consumers; all while the people at the top got away with billions. Seemingly powerless to do anything to stop those porkers, Big Brother is coming after Martha. Luckily, the Justice Department doesn’t have anything more important to do; like catch terrorists.
Well, we here at the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian Studies are sick and tired of the scapegoating of Martha. We understand that the law is the law, but know this: even if every single allegation is true, the total amount Martha defrauded is something like $47,000. We don’t put really hot women who can cook in prison for taking that much money. That’s not America! That’s not even France!
So grab a hand-crocheted sign and join us as we protest this unwise hypocritical use of taxpayer funds to go after my dream wom…I mean the first lady of success: Martha Stewart. Hold sit-ins at the local Dairy Queen and refuse to chip in for a retirement present for Bob in Accounting until all the charges are dropped. And, if by some reason they happen to convict that fine woman in a kangaroo court, get ready to hold candlelight vigils (made out of old corn cobs and shellac) and sing on homemade guitars (put together with milk crates, macaroni, and fishing wire), until Martha is free.
Fighting Injustice,
Hyperion
June 06, 2003
Credits
Thanks to M.S. for always being an inspiration
Thanks to Tufloi for editing
Explanation of terms
The line in the motto “a very good thing” refers to what Martha says on her television show about whatever she’s making that day
The title “Martha Martha Martha” refers to a Brady Bunch episode, where Jan is jealous at all the attention her older sister receives and complains all anyone talks about is “Marsha Marsha Marsha!”
“Kangaroo Court” is a term to indicate a trial of some kind that is inherently unfair, such as when your parents ground you without proving you took the raspberries
@2003 the Hyperion Chronicles
“This column is a very good thing”
#128 Martha Martha Martha
I’ve been working on a column for over a year now where I list some rather odd things about me and ask whether or not I should be embarrassed. Unfortunately, cool as I am, there is not much that I do wrong. Hence; it’s been 13 months and still no column.
But the events of the last couple of days got me to thinking that maybe I should take one of the items on the list and make a complete column about it. So, in her honor, today I’d like to talk about Martha Stewart.
I used to hate Martha, but it was an ignorant hate. I went through this stage where I hated people like Martha Stewart, Kathy Lee Gifford, and Oprah Winfrey because it was the “thing to do.” I got to thinking about it, though, and realized it was stupid to profess antipathy for someone just based on stereotype. I want to be better than that. So, I gave up hating Martha, but I really never thought about her one way or another.
Then I got into the Food Network, and I started watching her show. The things this woman could do with a pipe cleaner and a pair of pliers! And she could cook! I began to see her in a whole new light. When I found out she was super wealthy and had made untold riches in the securities market…I was sold. I mean; a woman who can make money all day, come home and bake you a pie to eat in a fort she built? I was in love.
Now, I know there have been unflattering portrayals of my girl in books and movies, claiming that off camera Martha was quite the mega-bitch. But at the risk of offending every woman reader for the second time in ten days, what woman isn’t that way from time to time? For that matter, I myself am not a 24/7 bundle of joy, and have been called much worse. So what? Love isn’t about finding someone without faults. Love is about finding someone who can make kickin’ nachos and can design cool jack-o-lanterns, all while earning 46% per year on her investments.
Now the news has come out that perhaps there was more than smart investing in Martha’s moneymaking. The “Man” has even seen fit to indict Martha on several “charges.” I read the indictment. It is a song and dance. I’ve written about this before, but it seems like our culture has a real sadistic joy in tearing down people who’ve done well for themselves. The Justice Department has a particular bent on going after high-profile targets, especially when they are trying to save face.
If you will recall, this happened in the ‘90s. The Justice Department had let quite a few scandals go, and to salvage their credibility they indicted Microsoft and Bill Gates. Hogwash. If anyone is a 400 lb. gorilla it’s AOL. Anyway, the last couple of yeas have seen the Justice Department virtually impotent while big companies like Enron and Global Crossings bilked consumers; all while the people at the top got away with billions. Seemingly powerless to do anything to stop those porkers, Big Brother is coming after Martha. Luckily, the Justice Department doesn’t have anything more important to do; like catch terrorists.
Well, we here at the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian Studies are sick and tired of the scapegoating of Martha. We understand that the law is the law, but know this: even if every single allegation is true, the total amount Martha defrauded is something like $47,000. We don’t put really hot women who can cook in prison for taking that much money. That’s not America! That’s not even France!
So grab a hand-crocheted sign and join us as we protest this unwise hypocritical use of taxpayer funds to go after my dream wom…I mean the first lady of success: Martha Stewart. Hold sit-ins at the local Dairy Queen and refuse to chip in for a retirement present for Bob in Accounting until all the charges are dropped. And, if by some reason they happen to convict that fine woman in a kangaroo court, get ready to hold candlelight vigils (made out of old corn cobs and shellac) and sing on homemade guitars (put together with milk crates, macaroni, and fishing wire), until Martha is free.
Fighting Injustice,
Hyperion
June 06, 2003
Credits
Thanks to M.S. for always being an inspiration
Thanks to Tufloi for editing
Explanation of terms
The line in the motto “a very good thing” refers to what Martha says on her television show about whatever she’s making that day
The title “Martha Martha Martha” refers to a Brady Bunch episode, where Jan is jealous at all the attention her older sister receives and complains all anyone talks about is “Marsha Marsha Marsha!”
“Kangaroo Court” is a term to indicate a trial of some kind that is inherently unfair, such as when your parents ground you without proving you took the raspberries
@2003 the Hyperion Chronicles
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