The Hyperion Chronicles

Here are the most frequently asked Questions I get.

Q) Do you really keep a family of River Midgets in a cage?

A) Yes, but it’s not what it seems. For those of you unaware of the sad plight of the River Midgets, let me explain: River Midgets live down by the docks, and work on and around ships; basically leading a carefree life. Occasionally, though, they are stolen from the docks and forced by evil Department stores to work as Window-display mannequins. There are groups working on that in Congress and Parliament, but unfortunately, the River Midget Lobby is woefully under financed.

One day I was at the mall, minding my own business, when I passed a Banana Republic, and there I saw them; this poor family stuffed into back-to-school clothes for Juniors. I went in on a pretext of buying something for a niece (stores like Banana Republic don’t sell clothes for the bigger butted man, so if I didn’t have a story they would have been suspicious). Once inside I made my way to the display, grabbed the family, and took off.

Now, all of them (mom, pop, and little Tobias) live happily with me and help as interns at the Hyperion Institute. I still take them down to the docks from time to time, so they can see their friends and cavort around the ships, their true love. As for cages, the reason they stay there is because they like them better than regular beds, and for their own protection. River Midgets are extremely lovable, but have no defensive skills. So, if Banana Republic happened to stop by, the River Midgets would follow willingly back into that horrible life, and nobody wants that.


Q) Speaking of the Hyperion Institute, what is the full name? And what do those words mean? And how can I become a member?

A) This column is funded and run by the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian/Kickassian Studies. Callimastian and Callipygian are in the dictionary, and I have a firm policy about telling people things they could easily find out for themselves, but I will say those words represent the best things you can grab on to in society. As for Kickassian, that is a take-off of Carnivus Kickassius, my friend the troll, and frequent Hyperion Institute contributor. (In fact, he wrote a guest column, #150, just last week).

As for being an Institute contributor, all you have to do is send me comments, items you think should be in potpourri columns, or just things I should write about. Actual membership is by invitation-only, and based on my best contributors. I will say we recently offered places to three readers, and there is always room for more.


Q) What’s up with the Elf you wrote about a while ago? Will we read more about him?

A) You’re referring to #140 (Exitus Terrarum), where I recount meeting an Elf, and the wish he granted me. I have received several calls to tell more about him, so look for that sometime this fall.


Q) Why are you in Canada? And why do you claim to be in the Witness Protection Program? And if you are in the Witness Protection Program, why would you tell people?

A) Surprisingly, Canada is the first choice of the American Government for Witness Protection. They don’t mind us telling people we’re up here, because Canada is really big and the odds of being found are quite small. As for why I’m in Witness Protection, I could tell you, but this is a family column.

Q) How much formal education do you have?

A) None. I was abandoned at birth (on the advice of the Delphi Oracle), and was subsequently found and raised by a herd of wildebeests. I learned English by studying Captain Crunch cereal boxes and watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.


Q) How can we tell when you’re lying?

A) I never lie except on Thursdays, the second Tuesday of each month, and Saturdays from 9-10 p.m. (local time).


Q) Who are these Magic Pygmy Rabbits you keep referring to?

A) I’ve never mentioned the Magic Pygmy Rabbits. I don’t know what you’re talking about. There are no Magic Pygmy Rabbits and they certainly haven’t secretly taken over the world. I don’t know where you’d have gotten that idea, so ixnay on the agicmay ygmypay abbitsray.


Q) Are there such things as Purple Horses?

A) Of course not, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying, and probably trying to sleep with you.


Q) Are you a Democrat or Republican?

A) I am a Hyperionite. I first ran for president in 1996, getting one vote. I next ran in 2000 (I put my platform in this column), and received 36 votes; admittedly not much, but a pretty good improvement, percentage-wise. Assuming I keep up my rate of improvement, I should be president in just a few more elections.


Q) Why do you want to be President? I heard you wanted to take over Iceland, and possibly the whole world?

A) I have made no secret of my plans for world domination, which I often say will start with Iceland, but I’m open-minded, in case there’s a small country out there that needs a despot. As for why…ours is not to question why, but simply be, the finger of God.


Q) Do you think you’re the Messiah?

A) Of course not. I did think for a time I wrote Handel’s Messiah, but it turns out this other guy did. I forget his name.


Q) What is the Hyperion X column you’re always talking about? And how can I get on the list? Do I even want to get on the list?

A) Hyperion X is something I started earlier this year. I sometimes felt I was censoring myself here (since this is a family column), and I wanted an outlet where I could write anything that popped in my head, no matter how angry or silly or bizarre it was. Also, I wanted a place to write more specialized things that the regular Readers might not be up on. So, Hyperion X was born.

Getting on the list is easy, you just have to write me and ask. As for whether you want to, that’s tougher. The rule of thumb is: if you’re easily offended or often wear plaid, then you probably want to avoid it. However, if you read the column, really like it, but often think to yourself, “The only thing that would make this better is ritual sacrifice!” then Hyperion X is what you’re craving.


That’s all the questions for now. If your question wasn’t answered write and ask me again, and I’ll try to include it next time.

Until then, keep practicing and don’t trust anyone under 5’4”.


Hyperion
September 9, 2003

Credits
Thanks to Laureate for formatting
Thanks to Bear
Thanks to Achmed
Big thanks to Koz for editing and ideas

Motto Explanation
I have no idea. It’s something my brother Achmed said to me last night, and it cracked me up. Ask him

@2003 the Hyperion Chronicles ALL RIGHTS RESERVED