The Hyperion Chronicles

I thought for a different send-off to the weekend I would try giving you some riddles. I’m going to write the riddles at the top, and give you a chance to mull them over. Then, because I know you’re honest, you’ll think about them before you read the second part of the column to see if you were right. And for those of you thinking of pulling a fast one and going directly to the bottom: the Magic Pygmy Rabbits are watching. Good luck.


RIDDLE #1
The first riddle is quite old, and comes the mists of European history. A farmer is going to the fair with a prize fox, a prize goat, and a prize pie. He comes to a river, but the ferry is only large enough to take across him and one other thing at a time. If the farmer takes the pie, the fox will eat the goat. If the farmer takes the fox, the goat will eat the pie. And if the farmer takes the goat, the pie will eat the fox. (Just kidding on that last one). How does the farmer get all three of his companions across the river and on to the fair?


RIDDLE #2
This next riddle is sent in by alert Reader Hulk from Hoboken, New Jersey. It goes like this:

You drive up to a spot where three people are standing and you only have room for one. Your options are.

1. Your mother who has a life threatening illness and needs to go to the hospital.
2. Your best friend who saved your life and you owe everything to.
3. The woman of your dreams.

What do you do?

The answer, obviously, is simple: no matter who it is, even if it was a stranger, you probably help the person in dire medical need. However, Hulk had his own answer:

Two choices

A. Give the keys to your best friend and have him drive the woman to the hospital and you stay with the woman of your dreams.

B. Run over the lady who is dying and put her out of her misery, have sex with the woman of your dreams, then drive off with your buddy to the local bar and have some beer.

Don’t get mad, folks: he’s from New Jersey. But I was thinking: what if your mom was NOT in dire need of a hospital. What if you came upon these three on a deserted island, and you could only rescue one for the time being. What then?


RIDDLE #3
There are two doors. One leads to whatever your version of Heaven is (let’s say Britney Spears and butterscotch), and the other leads to your version of Hell (let’s say Hillary Clinton, a flesh-eating virus, a bunch of mimes, and Bob Saget Emceeing the sordid affair). You have to choose a door, but you don’t’ know which is which.

There is a two-headed monster outside the doors, both heads knowing what door you want. The problem is that one head always tells the truth, and the other head always lies. You don’t know which is which.

You get one question to one of the heads, and then you must choose a door. What is your question?


ANSWERS

RIDDLE #1
The answer here is simple, if you think about it. Obviously, you have to take over the goat first. Then you come back across the river to get the fox. You take the fox across the river, but now what? You can’t leave these two alone: the goat would get torn up like Kleenex at a snot party. So you take the goat back across the river, and leave him there while you take over the pie. As long as the pie behaves, you’re free to once again go across the river, get the goat, go back over, and head to the fair. Simple, huh? The real question is: what are you going to do with the goat once you get to the fair?


RIDDLE #2
If everyone is healthy, this riddle becomes much like the first one. It’s a question of risk. For example: you could take your best friend, but that would leave the woman of your dreams with your mother. I don’t know if you want your mother to have access to this girl before you get a chance to woo her. Could ruin things right out of the gate.

You could take your mother, but that would leave your best friend with the woman of your dreams. Chances are your best friend thinks a lot like you (hence the best friends part), and probably has similar tastes in women. And, the classic ethic “Bros before Hos” no longer being practiced in today’s age (one more sign of a crumbling society), you may return to find the best friend has wooed the girl of your dreams, and where does that leave you? With your mother, which may be okay for some, but is just a little too Oedipussy for most.

Therefore, the only real option is to take the girl of your dreams, leaving your mother and best friend. Of course, this could also result in a union (my mom is quite pretty), but I think that’s a chance you have to take.


RIDDLE #3
This last one is just a fantastic riddle, in my opinion. You can’t just ask which Door is right. Let’s call the Doors 1 and 2, and the Heads A and B.

Let’s say you ask Head A which door. He says Door #1. Is he telling the truth? You don’t know. So that leaves you guessing. What you need is a way to find out who is lying.

This wouldn’t be that hard to do. You could hold up four fingers, and ask Head B how many fingers you’re holding up. If he says four, you know he’s the Head telling the truth, and vice versa. If you could ask one more question, you wouldn’t even need to switch Heads, because you’d know if your Head was lying just to do the opposite.

But you only get one question, so that doesn’t help you much. What you need for this riddle, then, is not to figure out which Head is telling the truth or even which Door leads to your version of Heaven. What you need is a question that will give you the same answer no matter what Head you ask.

The solution actually lies in mathematics, but since most of you would rather date your mother and get eaten by the pie than use math, I’ll try to explain it without going into that.

The question that will give you the solution is: “Which Door would the other Head say is the one leading to Heaven?” Then, you do the opposite, no matter which Head you ask.

Here’s how it works: both Heads are going to give you the wrong Door. The truth-telling Head knows his lying counterpart will say the wrong Door, and so he’ll tell the truth and say the wrong Door.

Conversely, the lying Head knows his truthful Opposite will say the right Door, but being the lying scum that he is, he’ll lie and tell you the wrong Door.

Either way, you would pick the opposite Door and thereby gain entrance to Britney and butterscotch and escape the mimes. Because nobody deserves mime.

Or Bob Saget.


Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.


Hyperion
September 19, 2003

Credits
Thanks to Hulk for Riddle #2
Thanks to Koz, Laureate and Bear for brainstorming ideas
Thanks to Mom for being a good sport
Thanks to Tootsie for editing

Motto Explanation
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@2003 the Hyperion Chronicles