The Hyperion Chronicles

the Hyperion Chronicles
“Making the world a better place, one Reader at a time”

#273 The (long overdue) Return of the King

Greetings, salutations, and felicitous wishes to all you past, current, and future members of the Hyperion Nation. Much like wars, rumors of wars, Cher, or a bad case of herpes: I am back. It’s been a while since I have written last, and many of you have questions which have gone unanswered. So, I thought I would write another Mail Bag column, answering what I can. If you do not see your question answered here, please feel free to write and ask me again, and I’ll try to get it the next Mail Bag.

Question: Where the %&*$ have you been the last two months?

In short, my computer was attacked by Trojan Horses (or Trojan Snow Giraffes, as they are now being called by those in the know). My best guess is that it was one of my three principal enemies: The Magic Pygmy Rabbits, the Pope, or the Olson Twins. (Or possibly, in what may signal a dark time for our planet, all three working together in some sort of triumvirate to rub me out.) The reason my enemies might attack now is they sense my growing power, and as these are the main contenders for my quest to rule the world, well, you can connect the dots.

Anyway, I was struck by several of those Trojan Snow Giraffes, which in turn let other worms, viruses, and Jehovah’s Witnesses into my computer. The end result was that I lost EVERYTHING. Every last column, every piece of writing I was working on, and most importantly, all my email addresses. It has taken some weeks to cobble together the few addresses that I could find, and if you’re getting this column and you shouldn’t be, you have my apologies.

Question: Is there anything I can do to help?

I do need help recovering my mailing list. If you’re someone who sent me names and addresses, I could sure use help with that. The writing I was working on is of course lost forever, but I would like to recover the columns (I have 1-80, but after that it’s spotty). If you have any saved, and you write and let me know, that would help quite a bit.

Question: Didn’t this happen to you before?

Sort of. I had a lap-top computer that was stolen. These things happen when you have powerful enemies (see above).

Question: So why didn’t you have everything backed up? Are you a crazy masochist?

Yes.

Question: I’m new to your writing. What exactly is your column all about?

In the regular Hyperion Chronicles, I write whatever is growing through my mind. This could be (and often is) anything. Sometimes I’m reflective, sometimes angry, sometimes I’m in the mood to teach or analyze. The only thing I can guarantee is that this column (and its sister, Hyperion X) is, according to former Senator and now pitch-man Bob Dole, “The best thing written since Shakespeare.” (His words, not mine.)

All my writing is funded by the Hyperion Institute for Callimastian/Callipygian/Kickassian Studies, (or Hyperion Institute for short), which is basically a Think Tank/Crime Fighting Unit.

The Hyperion Institute is dedicated to producing top-quality thought-provoking writing. We are also involved in Blood Drives, Community Ballet, and of course, World Domination.

Question: How can I be a member?

Anyone can write and offer suggestions for things for us to write about. If the suggestions are of high quality, the individual might be asked to join the Hyperion Institute itself, as a Regular Contributor. Getting on the Council is much tougher.

Question: What about finances? Is there a way to contribute there?

There is a program we call The Hyperion Institute Sugar Daddies and Mommies (H.I.S.D.A.M.), for our financial backers. They receive an “enhanced” version of the column, as well as other things, but I can’t discuss it here.

Question: So what’s this “Hyperion X” column, and how do I get on that list?

Hyperion X was born last year, when I realized that there were some topics that were not appropriate for a family column. This doesn’t mean everything in Hyperion X is of a prurient or titillating nature, but the column is uncensored, and not meant for the more sensitive (basically, I don’t want my grandmother mad at me). If you love this column but have thought to yourself, “The only thing missing is Goat Sacrifice,” then Hyperion X is for you.

We also do most of our movie reviews in Hyperion X, and as soon as I get them done I’ll have a meta-review of all the movies I saw while my computer was down.

Question: Can you give us an update on the River Midgets?

In our last Mail Bag column I explained about the River Midgets. For those of you not familiar with the sad plight of the River Midgets, they are often stolen from the docks where they live and forced to stand in display windows as mannequins for department stores. A few months ago I was able to rescue a family (a mother, father, and little Tobias), and now they live and play here, and work as interns.

Question: Where have all the Water Buffalo gone?

Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Don’t ask me why.

Question: Why?

What did I just say (well, write)?

Question: Boxers or Briefs?

Normally, I would never answer a question as tired as this. However, as luck would have it, I received some great knit boxers for my birthday, and man are they ever sweet! I had no idea drawers could feel so comfortable. So, the real question isn’t “Boxers or Briefs?” (No one with any sense wears briefs), but “Regular Boxers or Knit Boxers?”

Question: When was your birthday?

The anniversary of Hyperion’s birth occurred on December 31. You may have noticed a party or two in my honor in your town. Some day, when I rule the world, I plan on both the 31^st and January 1^st being official holidays, which would make a great double-dub.

Question: What’s a double-dub?

It’s a slang term that means a two-for-one. If you didn’t know this term that’s your clue that you need more black friends.

Question: where did you go to school?

I answered this in my last Mail Bag, but I’m asked so often, I thought I’d do it again. I was never formally educated. I was abandoned at a young age on some rocks (on advice from the Delphi Oracle), and eventually found and raised by wolves. I learned to read and write entirely from the back of Captain Crunch boxes and watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons.

Question: Where do you live now?

I live in Canada, as part of the Witness Protection Program.

Question: What did you do to get into the Witness Protection Program, and why would it be in Canada?

Many Americans in the Witness Protection Program are placed in Canada, chiefly because it’s hard to find people up here. As for what I did, obviously I can’t discuss that, but I will say if you ever run into one Antoine Durocher, run far and fast in the other direction. As he is a master of disguise, this may be difficult, but do it anyway.

Question: What do you have against Julie Andrews?

This question came up a couple of weeks ago when my family and I were watching The Sound of Music. I voiced the (very reasonable) opinion that while Julie Andrews was indeed beautiful, it was a beauty more like an angel or china doll. In other words, she certainly was not “sexy” to me in any meaningful sense. I said that I found the Baroness or Liesl to be much sexier. (Heck, any of the sisters are sexier, but you have to be careful who you mention that to, or they might get the wrong idea.)

This did not go over well with my brother Achmed, and serious debate thus ensued in our family. I have since asked this question to many, and found that opinions are divided, and emotions run high. It’s a good party topic, but beware. You might break up a marriage or two.

Question: Is your brother really named Achmed?

No. I almost invariably use aliases, so I can write about people without embarrassing them. Of course, in the case of my only (living) brother, he kind of gets screwed in the anonymity department. In hindsight, I might have found a better alias than “Brother Achmed,” but what are you going to do?

Question: Are you going to run for president?

I very well might. I ran in 1996 (receiving one vote) and then in 2000 (garnering thirty-six this time). At that logarithmic rate of increase, I should be president in only six more elections. More on that later.

Question: If/When you rule the world; will you still write this column?

One thing at a time.

And that’s all for now. Glad to be back

Hyperion
January 16, 2004

Credits
Thanks to Koz, Tootsie and Kimbo for read-throughs
Thanks to Aslan, Quincy, Zach, and Antoine Durocher