The Hyperion Chronicles

the Hyperion Chronicles
“One big walking Wardrobe Malfunction”

#277 A Tale of Two Titties

If you are offended by the title of today’s column, you are just the type of people I want to talk to. However, I have a few others to mention first, so bear with me.

To: MTV
Wipe that “Who, me?” expression off of your faces. Even a smug smile would be better. Your own website ran an interview all last week with the choreographer of Janet Jackson’s song promising, “Something shocking.” Whatever could he have meant? You have struggled so hard to gain respect as a legitimate news and entertainment channel, and when you finally get your chance to play with the big boys, you blow it. No way they ever let you do this again. I suppose you got your fifteen minutes of fame, but will it really help you? Is MTV the edge of cool? I think not. (By the way, I was more offended by the awful lip-synching and uninspired dance numbers. And you call yourself Music Television.)

To: CBS
At best, you’re all greedy morons. You lead the nation in total viewers but never manage to pull in that oh-so-coveted 25-44 demographic, and so you turn to young hip MTV to do your half-time show. What did you expect? I find it hard to believe you didn’t know “something” was going to happen, although you may not have wanted to know the details to give you plausible deniability. Then you have to scramble to apologize so the viewers you do have (i.e., the older conservative ones) don’t boycott you. If there were any justice no one would watch C.S.I. or Survivor this week, just to teach you a lesson.

To: Paul Tagliabue (Commissioner), and the rest of the brass of the N.F.L.;

You effing hypocrites.

You market this violent game to as young as audience as you can, to get brand loyalty going, and those dollars flowing for years to come. Toward that end you sanction a younger, cooler half-time show, because it’s what the kids like. At the same time, you advertise sex and violence every chance you get. Beer and other commercials for years during football games have featured scantily clad women; there’s an example you’re setting. You let two advertisers for erectile dysfunction, including one that cautioned (I am not making this up) about what to do in the case of a four hour erection. A generation ago the cheerleaders you have out there would be considered hookers (in some places they still would be).

And then you get mad and sanctimonious at one breast. What you’re really mad at is that you didn’t get a cut. You weren’t allowed to stick a logo on that nipple tassel. You couldn’t organize, Boob-Bowl and allow the breast to come out over a series of half-a dozen commercials (at 2.3 million dollars per thirty seconds, don’t forget). You have allowed commercials in the past showing women mud wrestling each other, and one famous football/beer ad campaign with the chorus that more than anything else on earth, men craved twins, which, if you think about it, IMPLIES INCEST.

And then you get on your high horse and talk about how everyone but you ruined the quality family entertainment you were putting on. You remind me of Louis in Casablanca: shocked to find gambling going on in the saloon, while pocketing his winnings.

Friggin’ hypocrites.

To: the people who generally thought that the halftime display was inappropriate, but didn’t make a federal case about it;

I agree with you. I think it’s just an attempt to keep people watching at halftime to keep the advertisers happy, that people will watch their commercials and not go raid the fridge. I think with all the hoopla, you’re not likely to see something like this in the near future.

To: the people who have decided to make this an “issue;” talk radio, politicians, and others so inclined to have a Million Mammary March on Washington;

As my old boss Darius would say, “C.T.F.O.” Or, to put it another way: get a life. When I grew up in Kenya there was nudity everywhere, and nobody made a big deal about it. Part of that was cultural (seeing as they didn’t have a society that repressed everything as if it was dirty and wrong), but a big part of it was also this: they had other more important things to worry about, like famine and plague and tribal warfare.

Now, I know America is a rich country. I know they have conquered Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and are so well off that they can afford to gripe when Scrubs is preempted by a rerun of Friends or argue other whether Grissom should be with Catherine or Sarah (or Warrick). But surely, as rich and successful as America is, they can find other, bigger problems.

Let’s take the Super Bowl itself. What about all the people with gambling problems who are going to fritter away family savings in order to bet on what the first turnover would be? What about all the commercials in the game (and thousands before that), showing women as anorexic-chic that make little girls think that in order to be pretty they need to be so thin they are in danger of falling through a sewer grate? How about all the beer that was drunk at sports bars and friends’ houses, and then the people drove home? How about all the accidents and deaths that caused? How about all the fights and domestic violence later because people had too much to drink?

And that’s just off the top of my head. Do you see my point? I’m not saying that a bare breast for one and one half seconds (which was barely visible the first time around and didn’t become a controversy until the media made it one) is appropriate. It’s not. But it’s the backlash that made it a big story, and saw the item plastered all over news for the last four days. And while it may not be appropriate, it’s not the end of the world as we know it, either. We have bigger problems to solve and worry about. Until every little girl and boy is safe from abusers, until every black man gets a fair shake when applying for a job, until everyone feels safe walking home though the park, until all these things and many more are taken care of, it is beyond asinine to make such a ruckus over one breast. Call it what it was—a silly stunt—and let it go.

But you don’t want to let it go. You want your issue to get mad about and rally your troops about and raise money.

Get over it.

Hyperion
February 04, 2004

Alternative Titles
“Titty Titty Bang Bang”
“The Good, the Bad, and the Boobie”
“See our Breast! See our Breast!” (Beauty and the Beast fans only)