The Hyperion Chronicles

the Hyperion Chronicles
“I have issues”

#285 Large Beautiful Men of the World, Unite!

Circa November 5, 1996

It was the first time I was eligible to vote (for president anyway), and I was thrilled to finally be able to participate in the democratic process. Actually, that’s a complete lie. I was decidedly nonplussed and unsure if I even wanted to vote. However, I had a boss, who, though a criminal by any reasonable standard (except Tricon Global), nonetheless was quite vehement in his civic pride. He demanded all of his employees vote, and even let me off work and drove with me over to the precinct to do so.

Standing in the voting booth for the first time was kind of neat, in an eerie sort of way. Glancing at my choices, though, was not so neat. There was Bill Clinton, whom I was already on to way before Monica, China, Indonesia, etc. etc. No way was I going to vote for him. There was Bob Dole, whom I like personally, finding him quite funny. However, the campaign he ran was so prefabricated no one got to see that side of him, and I feared his presidency would be more of the same. Then there was Perot.

So like I said, I didn’t like my choices. I stood there in the voting booth and asked myself a very important question: who did I want to run the country? The answer came to me like an apostrophe, I mean an epiphany. Lightning struck my brain. More than any of these bozos on the ballot, the person best suited to run the country…was me. And thus a movement was born.

Circa late October, 2000

I hadn’t written a column in quite a while; not feeling very inspired. However, as the 2000 presidential campaign wound down, I felt the stirring once again within me. Was I not a better choice than either of the two goobers vying for the job? Could I not articulate clear positions on where I’d take the country more than the pre-packaged blandness we were getting? Was I not funnier, wittier, and just an all around better egg? And would I ever quit thinking in rhetorical questions?

Thus my own campaign was launched. I wrote fiery columns, spelling out what was wrong with the country, and where I wanted to lead it. Looking back, some of them were embarrassingly bad, but I can honestly say I never enjoyed my work more than when I was pounding on the metaphorical podium.

The readers responded, as my mail was flooded with people who were thrilled to see someone stand for something. Even people who disagreed with me admired the way I was firm and steadfast in my position. When it was all tallied, 35 people (plus myself) told me they voted a Hyperion ticket.

And thus we come to 2004.

For a while I thought perhaps I wouldn’t have to get into this election. I had high hopes following September 11 that the right man was in office, someone with firm convictions who would stand up for what he believed in and always be a straight shooter. I no longer have these hopes.

As for his presumptive opponent, I’ve known all about this man for years, and you’re kidding yourself if you think this is the way to restore integrity.

What I do know is that I would be better. What I do know is that I have actual plans, based on vision and logic, not some back-room electoral strategizing and endless focus group polls. What I do know is that I believe in things, and that I am not beholden to the great Money Machine that dominates American Politics. What I do know is that I should be president.

Of course there are obstacles. Obviously, one of them is that I’m technically not old enough. That will be addressed in the coming days. Secondly, right now I’m in the Federal Witness Protection Program in Canada. But you see, once I garner a certain level of credibility as a viable candidate, I automatically qualify for Secret Service Protection, so it shouldn’t be too difficult to come back. Perhaps most daunting is how I would receive enough votes to actually win.

However, this is the easiest problem to solve. If you followed along above, you’ll notice I received 1 vote in 1996 and 36 votes in 2000. That is an exponential rate of growth. I asked Hyperion Institute member Bear to devise a formula assuming the same rate of growth over the next few elections. What he came up with is:

Votes = exp[A*(Year-1996)], where A = (ln 36)/4

Plugging in the election years, we see that:

In 2004 I’ll receive 1296 votes. A stretch, but doable if the Hyperion Nation gets motivated.

In 2008 I’ll receive 46,656 votes. I’m still not threatening anyone, but watch out.

In 2012, I’ll receive 1,679,616 votes. Now I’m in Nader territory.

And in 2016, I’ll receive 60,466,176 votes, easily enough to win.

This means that I may not win THIS YEAR. That’s okay. I can live with that. Of course, stranger things have happened, but I understand politics is often a process. The important thing is to start getting the message out. That’s why, in the days and weeks to come, I’m going to be writing my view on things I consider important. There will still be the funny, sad, and reflective columns, but no more will I stand idly by while morons define the debate.

I can appreciate that not everyone will agree with me point by point. However, I have faith that my audience is open-minded enough to at least read me out. And, I suspect there is a real yearning out there for someone who will clearly and concisely say what he believes. I think there are people who would support me even if they don’t agree, for my integrity, brilliance, and modesty alone.

Your job, faithful readers, is to keep an open mind. If you have something that needs to be discussed, tell me about it. If you’re impressed with my ideas, forward the columns to others. Together we can start a movement that will one day rule the world, I mean, bring freedom to all.

Hyperion
March 3, 2004

Credits
Thanks to Bear for the formula
Thanks to Zach
Thanks to Tootsie

Motto Explanation
Why else would I be running, if I didn’t have issues? (Campaign issues, that is.)