The Hyperion Chronicles

the Hyperion Chronicles
“You may already be a winner”

#288 If I Led {Round 1}

As I explained a couple of weeks ago, I am running for president. I am doing this because, to put it as diplomatically as possible, all the other candidates suck and I’d be much better. Many have asked how they can order tee-shirts and buttons, or contribute to my campaign, and believe me that will come. But first I need to go on record about what I would do. I believe in being straight-forward and honest about my positions, and not trying to flip-flop and weasel on everything like most politicians. It is my hope that even if you don’t agree with all my specifics, you will admire my integrity, and vote for me (and get your friends to as well. And if you live in Canada, move to America and vote for me).

This is the first in a series on things I would do if I were in charge. These aren’t going to be all lumped together, for those of you who couldn’t care less, but every so often I’m going to list some reasons why I should have your vote. Today I want to detail some of the practical things we can do to clean up the law.

Back in the time of the Greeks politics was quite an esteemed field. It was considered the highest good that people could work for. How times have changed. Not even lawyers or used car salesmen are held in such low regard as politicians today. Some say this is because they’ve gotten more corrupt. This is not actually true. They used to be much worse, but as our ability to get information has increased exponentially, so has our knowledge about what these people are saying and doing behind closed doors.

I realize it’s a tall order, but I would like to return politics to a position of dignity and respect. When a kid tells his mom he wants to grow up and be a politician, I want that lump in her throat to be heart-tugging emotion, not bile.

Perhaps the biggest problem is that very few people believe what a politician says. They just assume he’s lying. If I were in charge what I would do is to make all verbal and written communication for anyone elected or appointed to political office sworn testimony, under the penalty of perjury. I am talking about every time they speak on the floor of the Senate, every press conference, debate, campaign commercial, newsletter; whatever they do in the course of their jobs, they have to tell the truth about.

I realize this would make these people more careful and cagey in their speech, and less candid. But you’re out to lunch if you think they are candid now. We already get pre-packaged responses, and even then it’s mostly lies. I think it’s a good idea to have politicians think a bit before they speak. I want to train them to tell the truth, and if some of the have to go to jail for it, so much the better.

There will be mistakes made, of course, that aren’t lies. I would allow a loophole that wouldn’t require jail. If a candidate says something, that candidate must call a press conference or go to Senate floor—basically wherever they made the original statement—and say the following: “I suck beyond all powers of comprehension. I could not have been more wrong. I could have tried, but I would not have been successful.” Maybe if they have to abase themselves a bit they’ll learn to speak the truth.

Another thing we can do to return respect to politics is requiring bills to mean what they say. I’ve been to Congress’s official website (to see for yourself, click here), and most of the bills read like the script to a David Lynch movie; all confusing. If I were in charge, every bill that comes before Congress would have to be understood by the average 10^th grader. And since 10^th graders aren’t getting any smarter (just wait until my education column), that’s a high bar to set.

I also would require that every bill be no longer than two pages, and contain only material essential to that bill. One of lawmakers’ favorite moves is to pass some popular bill like aid to flood victims, and then tack on a military factory or a pay raise. That won’t be happening in the Hyperion regime.

This may rankle some people, but I would change the Constitution somewhat. Before I get into that, though, I think it’s ridiculous that most Americans know very little about the Constitution. (To read it, go here.) The best many can say is that they read it once. Sounds like some church people with the Bible. If it’s important to your life (and whether you know it or not, it is), you should know more about this document that underpins society.

That said, I reject the notion that the Founding Fathers walked with God and had [stuff] that didn’t stink. They were men just like any others. I can buy that many were principled men, and that they wrote a document with room to grow and expand, but this idea of that we must follow the original intent of the Founding Fathers in all things is stupid. There are many aspects of modern life that they just didn’t foresee. And, they weren’t right about everything either. I mean, they specifically allowed slavery. You can say it was a different time and I can’t judge them by modern standards, but you’d be making my point for me, now wouldn’t you?

I’m not in favor of just throwing it out, though. I think that without a good reason the laws should remain. But we shouldn’t be afraid to examine what’s actually in there, and ask whether we really need everything. I think if you can get 90% of the people to agree something is unneeded, it should go. Actually if you can get 90% of people to agree on anything, that’s pretty amazing.

I’ll just highlight two things I would push to be changed. One is only allowing people born in America to run for president. This seems a bit xenophobic. If you’ve been a citizen for 20 years, I think you should be able to be president. And don’t write and tell me about terrorist moles. The Media tears apart the lives of any candidate. I’m sure if it turns out Mohammed Q. Public has ten years unaccounted for when he was training in the Yemeni desert, that will be brought up.

The other thing I would push to change is the age requirement to run for office. You have to be 25 to run for Representative, 30 for Senator, and 35 for President. That’s stupid. I understand the argument—and for the most part probably agree—that most 23 year olds should not be president. But most 55 year olds shouldn’t either. My point is, in today’s Media Age, there is no chance that people are going to be fooled into voting for an unqualified kid. My thinking is, if you pay taxes and aren’t on parole for a felony, you should be able to run for office.

And while I’m on that subject, why on earth do people under eighteen, who can’t vote, have to pay taxes? Didn’t America supposedly go to war with Britain way back when to prevent this very thing? How can we possibly justify taking taxes from people who aren’t allowed to participate in the process?

I have several more things on this topic, but I’m getting all riled up, so maybe this is a good place to stop. Join me next time when I discuss what it means to be an adult, cloning, jury duty, the Electoral College, those Girl Scout thin mints, and why husbands and wives should have separate email addresses.

Until then, God bless everyone (except mine enemies. Smite them a good one for me o’ Lord).

Hyperion
March 13, 2004

Credits
Thanks much to Bear

Motto Explanation
Well, you may

Correction
In a recent column, I wrote that the Shah of Iran put a price on the head of Salmon Rushdie for writing The Satanic Verses. Seven readers pointed out it was actually the Ayatollah Khomeini, the man do took over when the Shah was deposed. While they both had roughly the same job, they were different people, and it’s possible crazy dictators might have been offended. I would like to apologize to all crazy dictators out there that may have felt slighted.