the Hyperion Chronicles
“Juuuuust a bit outside”
#299 Mail Bag Three
From time to time I like to answer questions the Hyperion Nation sends in; about columns I’ve written, about the Hyperion Institute, or just about life in general.
Question) How is the presidential run coming?
Answer) It’s coming along pretty well. For those of you brand new, a few weeks ago I officially threw my hat into the ring to be president of the United States, on the theory that I’d be much better than the sell-out whores running now. So far I’ve written two columns on several things I’d change, and response has been generally positive. (#300 will be along those lines, and promises to be controversial.) As I said before, I may not win this election, but if I receive the same rate of growth in votes as the last two elections, I will be president by 2016. To keep pace, this year I need 1296 votes. I’m a ways off from that, but the campaign gains momentum every day.
Q) What about the Institute? How’s that coming?
A) I wrote in #287 that I was considering starting a community for the Hyperion Institute. Response has lagged, as many are no doubt scared about joining such an intellectual pursuit. Nonetheless, for those who are brave, we are setting it up and will let them know as soon as we have something.
Q) When will we get more Carnivus stories? And what about that elf?
A) Carnivus has guest-written two and a half columns now; #150, #170B, and #294. I do have one more story from him right now, but that will depend on Reader response. As for the elf (written about in #140), we might see him again soon.
Q) I’m new to your world. How can I read these past columns?
A) We are working on a website where they will all be up. In the meantime you can write and ask for a catalogue of all back columns or just any specific one you might want and we’ll send it to you.
Q) Who is this “we” you refer to?
A) I am but one man in the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian/Kickassian Studies, a think-tank devoted to eradicating Third-World hunger, world domination, and A-Team Reunion specials. Besides myself and the fellow Institute members, we have interns; a family of River Midgets that live with us and help us out.
Q) Is the Hyperion Institute an actual physical place, and if not, when will it be?
A) The Hyperion Institute is more than a mere place. Every time someone refuses to believe something just because they were told, the Hyperion Institute is there. Every time an intellectual idea is born, the Hyperion Institute is there. Every time hot girls in spandex do bouncing exercise, the Hyperion Institute is there. Every time a goat is sacrificed to TAF, the Pig-god, the Hyperion Institute is there (but only because TAF is one of our three mortal enemies).
Q) Who are your other two mortal enemies?
A) Well, the Magic Pygmy Rabbits, of course. As for the third, I cannot tell you that.
Q) Why can’t you tell us that?
A) It would violate the Pirate’s Code.
Q) Why was the last column called #298.5?
A) Because unless things change, the Chronicles are only planned through #300, and I really wanted to write those love stories, so we had to squeeze them in.
Q) When is the Second Coming?
A) December 31, 1975
Q) If you were going to dance with the devil, what rhythm would you use?
A) This is actually a great question. I tried asking the people I was eating with last night. Unfortunately, I was with my mother at her church, so initially they were scared. I explained that they should pretend they were in Heaven and there was some sort of Heaven/Hell dance (like when Boys’ and Girls’ schools have mixers). This helped ease minds (you can do this if you’re asking the question and people are uncomfortable). I got several great answers, including the Bossa Nova, the Electric Slide, a fiddling folk dance, and Bump N’ Grind (by a Youth pastor, no less). I personally cracked up at the idea of slow dancing with Lucifer while “Fly Me to the Moon” was sung by Bobby Darin. (The thing about having a dance with Hell is that: they would have all the great musicians, the great chefs, and of course Martha could decorate.) However, there is a correct answer (which only two people got). See if you can figure it out, and I’ll have the answer later.
Q) Where is the lowest legal age of consent?
A) At one point I thought it would be a great gag product to have a map of the U.S. with the age of consent printed on each state (in case you were planning a road trip and needed to make detours). I now think that would be a bad idea. Hyperion is disturbed about the sexualization of young girls. What’s worse: you can’t always tell how old they are. We were at a restaurant the other day and there was this very cute girl who led us to our table, and then proceeded to tell us she was 14! I don’t want to think of 14 year old girls as women, but the way the girls are dressing these days, it’s hard to tell. That’s why it would be nice if women had some sort of feature like tree trunks, where you could count the rings to see how old they are. Maybe one day.
Q) What is the meaning of life?
A) I can’t tell you the meaning of life. You have to find that for yourself. I will tell you, however, that to do so you need to use the Rainbow Connection.
Q) If I want to impress someone, what are terms I can put into conversation that will show how smart I am?
A) I’d definitely go with Malice Aforethought, Critical Mass, Monological Imperative, and Dynamics of Inner Being. Anyone who uses these terms will be thought of as intelligent.
Q) What do those terms mean?
A) They mean that you’re full of pretension for using them. And, since you want to appear smart, I’m sure you know that pretension is a good thing.
Q) Is there anything war criminals can do to mitigate their crimes?
A) Yes. If they become blueberry farmers, that makes a difference.
Q) Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A) The egg.
Q) But how was the egg hatched without the chicken?
A) If you’re seriously asking that question, no answer I could give would make sense to you.
Q) So what rhythm would you use to dance with the Devil?
A) The Tango, baby; the Tango.
Q) Why was Captain Ahab so angry at the white whale?
A) The Whale was a Unitarian.
Q) Who is Antoine Durochér?
A) The most dangerous man in the world. Please avoid him at all costs.
Q) Why do pigeons have sex so often?
A) The same reason hummingbirds hum (because they don’t know the words).
Q) But why is Antoine Durochér so dangerous?
A) Durochér has done many things, the list of which would curl your hair and then causes it to fall out. But just as a taste: Antoine Durochér is responsible for getting Airwolf, My So Called Life, and Angel cancelled, and he kept Full House on the air. (He also killed Mr. Hooper and made Big Bird cry.)
Q) I recently read Thomas Aquinas’s Summa Theologica. I was especially interested in his hierarchy of beings. I know we don’t believe that anymore, but is there some hierarchy today?
A) Excellent question. Yes there is. The top is of course the Magic Pygmy Rabbits. Below them are the Ninja (who have dominion over everything totally sweet), and then the Mountain Princesses, the Rock Trolls, and the Adashar.
Q) Do you think you’re the Messiah?
A) Of course not. I did think for a time I wrote Handel’s Messiah, but it turns out it was this other guy.
Q) What is the best flavor of Popsicle?
A) Grape
Q) What’s the funniest joke you can think of?
A) A boy with a wooden eye is lonely because in school kids can be so cruel, and they abhor anyone different. The time comes for the prom, and the boy really wants to go. He notices a girl with a severe cleft palate, who is also ostracized by her peers. The boy thinks he will ask the girl, as they are both alone, and even those disfigured, they can be happy together. He approaches the girl and says, “Would you go to the prom with me?”
She is so stunned she can’t believe her ears. The boy repeats himself: “Would you go to the prom with me?”
The girl is ecstatic. The responds: “Would I?”
“Hair Lip! Hair Lip!”
Q) What’s the second funniest joke you know?
A) My Life.
Hyperion
May 6, 2004
Credits
Thank to Koz
Motto Explanation
This is what Bob Eucker used to say when announcing baseball, at a pitch that might be so far off that it hits someone in the stands.
Upcoming Chronicle
#300: the Big One.
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