The Hyperion Chronicles

The Hyperion Chronicles
“Not another clip show!”

#301 I Believe: The Creed Continues

Author’s Note: Back around column #101, I was looking for a way to express my personal Creed. It occurred to me the best way to do this was to recap my first 100 columns. As we’ve done another hundred, I thought I would do it again. This may spark your nostalgia, and for those who are new or just have bad memories, it may make you want to write and ask to read a particular old column. Enjoy. –Hyperion

“We can believe what we choose. We are answerable for what we choose to believe.”

-Cardinal Newman

“To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your own private heart is true for all men—that is genius.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I believe Bette Davis is still hot. (#102)

I believe people who send emails that tell you to forward them if you love Jesus are going to Hell. (#102)

I believe many people in the Media pray for horrible things to happen, if not to make their careers (and ratings and money), to at least break out new theme music. (#104)

I believe the French think they are way more important to the world then they are. (#105)

I believe the Lord gave Ninjas dominion over everything totally sweet. (#107)

I believe Bil Keane is responsible for much insipidity in this country (which is a word I think I just made up, but still fits). (#107)

I believe Pat Robertson had a great deal to do with my decision to no longer be white. (#107)

I believe the popular conception of the Rules of War is myopic at best and disastrous at worst. (#108)

I believe it was wrong to steal a car. (#109)

I believe the Thermos Theory explains everything in the Universe. (#110)

I believe Truth is more important than Fact. (#113)

I believe all people who get married are crazy, masochistic, or both. (#115-118)

I believe you should never sit in the front of a bus on a field trip. (#120)

I believe most movie reviewers are pretentious prigs. (#121)

I believe the Dixie Chicks are not heroes. Maybe not villains, either, but definitely not heroes. (#122)

I believe there are—to put it mildly—a lot of martyrs out there. (#123)

I believe the director and writer are far more important to the quality of a film than any actor. (#126)

I believe most previews completely ruin movies, and the people who cut them this way should be shot. (#127)

I believe Martha Stewart is not only sexy, but if she has to go to prison, so should most politicians (which might be a good trade, come to think of it). (#128)

I believe you’ll never mend those broken relationships until you make the first step. (#129)

I believe it’s hypocritical to believe in freedom but not the right of some moron to burn the flag. (#130)

I believe the Dutch get picked on too much. (#131)

I believe I’m the Incredible Hulk: Rawwwwwr! (#132)

I believe David Rice Atchinson might be the greatest president America ever had. (#133)

I believe we should all strive to know more about the silence that comes between each clap. (#135)

I believe some things are better left unsaid. (#137)

I believe an elf gave me the ability to destroy the world. (#140)

I believe AOL and Hotmail are evil. (#141)

I believe Bach’s “Air on a G-String” is the greatest title for a classical music piece ever, with the possible exception of Mozart’s “Whisper on a Thong.” (#141)

I believe Marie Osmond left her husband because she’s having a secret affair with her brother. (#141)

I believe there is a special place in hell for people who invent Internet Viruses and Worms. (#142)

I believe we are going to see more and more stupid lawsuits, a la the ones against Big Tobacco and Big Fast-Food, as fewer and fewer people refuse to take responsibility for their own lives. (#143)

I believe incest will be a bigger trend in the future. (#145)

I believe much should change about the Deathcare industry. (#146)

I believe I was the first one to tell you about Metrosexuals. (#147)

I believe Trolls write good guest-columns. (#150)

I believe there is no such thing as a purple horse. (#150)

I believe there are some hymns I will never sing. (#153)

I believe that one day the history of the world will no longer be divided by B.C/A.D., but rather by when Ben and Jennifer broke up. (#154)

I believe September 22 is not my favorite day. (#156)

I believe dollar-store figurines have magical powers. (#161)

I believe unrequited love works better on TV shows than the happy-ending kind. (#165)

I believe the Chicago Cubs have no one to blame but themselves. (#166)

I believe you regret what you don’t do as often as what you do. (#168)

I believe you should check your email facts before sending out forwards, and if you do not and find out you are wrong, you should eat crow and write all the people back and admit you helped perpetrate a fraud. (#169)

I believe Full House is the worst show ever made, barely edging out Small Wonder. (#171)

I believe I have two main virtues I value in life over all others, but it took a crisis to make me figure out which one I value more. (#172)

I believe the Magic Pygmy Rabbits attacked my computer and tried to ruin my life. (#173-272)

I believe all the water buffalo have gone to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. (#273)

I believe the Chippettes (those girl chipmunks on Alvin and the Chipmunks) are quite possibly evil. (#276)

I believe people made waaaaaaay too big a deal about Janet Jackson’s mammary glands. (#277)

I believe many people can’t take a joke. (#278)

I believe Sadness can be beautiful. (#279)

I believe Barbie and Ken’s breaking up made me realize that there is no hope I’ll ever find love. (#280)

I believe I predicted virtually every Oscar win in 2004. (#281)

I believe I should be president, or possibly Emperor. (#285)

I believe politicians should be under oath whenever they speak in public. (#288)

I believe the Constitution is a great thing, but not infallible. (#288)

I believe there is a pig-god named Taf, and that many people who work at restaurants may worship him. (#291)

I believe many people have never thought about Judas the way I presented him. (#292)

I believe mental claustrophobia is a terrible thing. (#293)

I believe you are lucky I know literate trolls who are willing to write guest columns. (#294)

I believe there should be some other standard for being an adult other than age. (#295)

I believe husbands and wives should have separate email addresses. (#295)

I believe most people are not actually looking at you, paranoia to the contrary. (#297)

I believe you can always find something nice to say about someone. (#297)

I believe we all have things we’re terrified others will find out about us. (#297)

I believe we hate what people get right about us much more than what they get wrong. (#297)

I believe we don’t come close to understanding time. (#298)

I believe if you’re going to dance with the Devil, make sure it’s the Tango. (#299)

I believe growing blueberries is mitigation for most crimes. (#299)

I believe Antoine Durochér is the most dangerous man in the world. (#299)

I believe Grape is the bestest flavor of Popsicle. (#299)

I believe when I’m in charge of this world, child molesters will rue the day they ever heard my name. (#300)

I believe this column is done. (#301)

Hyperion
July 7, 2004

Credits
Thanks to Koz

Motto Explanation
Many TV shows are famous for running “clip” shows, which consist of mostly old material.