The Hyperion Chronicles
“Like a Plague of Locusts o’er the land”
#314 Yet Another Mail Bag
From time to time I like to answer Readers’ Questions:
What’s the deal with you running for President?
For those of you new to the Hyperion Nation (or with severe short-term memory impairment), I announced my candidacy for President a few months ago. I have been periodically writing columns on what I would do if elected. I’ve more-or-less taken a hiatus for the summer (when no one cares about politics), but expect it to be a bigger part of the fall slate.
Are you nuts? Do you really think you can win?
That’s actually two questions. I’ll let the court-ordered psychiatrists handle the first. As for the second, yes, I do think I can win. Just maybe not this year. In 1996 I received 1 vote. In 2000 I garnered 36. As I outlined in #285 (Large Beautiful Men of the World Unite!), assuming the same exponential rate of growth, I will have enough votes to win by 2016. In the meantime, it’s important to get my message out. (Just yesterday I picked up a pledge of support from a University Professor.)
Can I read your past presidential columns? Can I request a subject for you to deal with?
Absolutely. I have several issues on tap, but I’m always open to ideas.
That octopus Locho you wrote about [in #310 Adventures with Sea Hag], is she related to Cthulhu?
I can’t tell you how many people asked about this. For those unfamiliar, Cthulhu is an under-the-sea god written about in H.P. Lovecraft’s stories. Cthulhu is a monstrous entity who lies "dead but dreaming" in the city of R'lyeh, a place of non-Euclidean madness presently (and mercifully) sunken below the depths of the Pacific Ocean. Cthulhu appears in various monstrous and demonic forms in early myths of the human race. Racial memory preserves Him as humanity's most basic nightmare. Cthulhu is the high priest of the Great Old Ones, unnatural alien beings who ruled the Earth before humanity formed, worshipped as gods by some misguided people. It is said that They will return, causing worldwide insanity and mindless violence before finally displacing humanity forever. [By the way, on pronunciation, Lovecraft said: “The actual sound - as nearly as human organs could imitate it or human letters record it - may be taken as something like Khlul'-hloo, with the first syllable pronounced gutturally and very thickly.”]
I’m not sure if Cthulhu is related to Locho, but if I see her again, I’ll ask her.
Who’s your Vice President going to be?
Well, it won’t be Cthulhu, because I don’t trust him. (Besides, he has his own campaign.) I keep a revolving “Top 5” list, which I update every three days. I can’t reveal the current list (security purposes), but I can tell you what the list looked like on April 6:
Condoleezza Rice
Thomas Sowell
Tyler Durden
Selene (from Underworld)
Carnivus Kickassius
Do you make these questions up? Also, can I send you a new car and naked pictures of myself?
No, yes, and maybe. The last one depends on your, um, attributes.
Hey, I wrote you and you didn’t write me back! Do you even read the emails people send you?
I read every single one of them. And, I respond to every single one. Sometimes that takes longer, a lot longer. One of the problems is that my interns (the River Midgets) have been gone all summer at McOTWU. They organize the emails, and I can’t find anything without them. The main problem (though I’m not complaining) is that there are hundreds of emails. I try to read them all within 48 hours, and answer the urgent ones, but when you get behind, it gets harder and harder to catch up. (Just this morning I got up to May.) Plus, with all the new projects we’ve started at the Institute, I’ve been busier than ever. The goal is to completely catch up by September 9th, and after that, have a policy of a personal reply to every email within 7 days. The return of my River Midget interns will greatly help with this.
Do you get a lot of hate mail?
When I first started, the majority of responses were negative (angry people are more motivated to write). This didn’t bother me, as I love to dialogue with people. I’d rather they engage me than just quit. As many of the unhappy have quit, the positive and negative responses have come more in balance.
How many people have quit? How do you respond?
On average, about 2-3 a week quit getting the column; sometimes more, if there is a controversial one. It used to bother me quite a bit, but I’m getting better. The people I don’t know I just shrug off and send a “Best Wishes” reply and take them off the list. With the people I know, it’s a bit tougher. Like yesterday, I got this email from…maybe not a close friend, but at least a friendly acquaintance:
I think you are all full of crap and please take me off of you list. Thank
you and have a nice day!
I’m not even sure what he’s referring to. I assume it’s #313 (The Chicago Way), but it could just be my general awfulness. I would have expected at least a phone call from him, but what are you going to do? I sent him the same “Best Wishes” letter, and refrained from explaining to him that when you tell someone off, it’s generally a good idea to use proper grammar and spelling. (That’s a tip; write it down.)
What did the English Major say when she broke up with her Boyfriend?
It’s not you, it’s I.
Can I send your column to others?
Absolutely and without exception, you may. That’s why our address is at the bottom, in case people want to respond or subscribe. I would appreciate a “heads up” if you send it to a publication.
What are HyperionX and MovieHype you refer to in your “Legal Boilerplate” at the end of each column?
They are the other two columns we produce. MovieHype deals with movie reviews and discussions about the world of film, while HyperionX is an uncensored forum. (Not necessarily the vulgar or risqué kind, mind you, but just things I don’t want to discuss in front of my mother.) Both can be received by request.
Where do you come up with your Mottos? Can I contribute?
The mottos are the throw-away tag lines after the title. Sometimes they refer to something in the column, but often they are just funny items I’ve heard or seen. (If they aren’t self-evident, I put an explanation at the bottom.) I keep a list of potential mottos, so feel free to send any suggestions. You’ll be credited if I use yours.
What’s with all the names at the bottom in the “Credits”? Why are the names so weird? Are they aliases? How do I get one? Which one is your favorite?
This is a compilation of questions I’ve gotten about the Aliases (or Alii, as I prefer to say). I virtually never use real names. This comes partly from Dear Abby, where the questioners use fake names, and partly from my childhood, where I was constantly a source of embarrassing illustrations for my minister-father. When I began my own writing, I realized I would have to draw on my own life, but I didn’t want to embarrass the people around me. So, I gave each one an alias. And, me being me, I picked names that had some sort of meaning to me.
It’s gotten completely out of hand, though, as people vie to “get in” the column and thus receive an alias. They also like dictating the names they want, but Hyperion ain’t having that. Anyway, if I write about you or otherwise give you credit, you shall receive an alias. And as of today, my favorite one is Skippy the Wonder Lizard.
Who is going to win the World Series/Super Bowl/World Irish Dance Championships?
In order,
The Detroit Tigers
The Cedar Rapids Water Buffalo
Antonio Sammuranch and Camille Paglia
Get your bets down now, while the odds are still good.
How is your column financially supported?
Infomercials. Actually, it’s not, with the exception of our lone supporter, Big Daddy Buckhouse. Hopefully this will change soon, though. More on that later.
You’re always writing about trolls, hags, elves, ogres, pig-gods, magic rabbits, and midgets. I can’t keep any of them straight. Can you list them?
I do lead an interesting life. Carnivus Kickassius (or “Carny,” as we here affectionately call him), is indeed a troll. He’s very wise and always offers sound advice. On occasion, he writes a guest column, telling about one of his experiences. (They are always much better received than my work, but what do you expect? It’s Carny.) Tav is an elf. I rescued him once from a dumpster. We’ve had several adventures; I’ve written about a couple of them.
Sea Hag I wrote about two weeks ago. The River Midgets—as previously explained—are interns here at The Institute. I rescued them from a Banana Republic store window, and the whole family lives here. (For more information, see the first Mail Bag, #151) The mogres (who incidentally, are with the River Midgets at McOTWU this summer) are mini-ogres. I hope to write more about them in the near future. Taf is an evil pig-god, and one of my 3 main enemies. The Magic Pygmy Rabbits are the second of my enemies, and they control the world.
What do Carny and the elf look like?
There are nine types of elves (that I know of). The two main kinds are a Standard Elf (Stelf) and a Rock Elf (Relf). Relves are huge and war-like; you wouldn’t want to mess with them. Stelves look like most people, except they are elves. (If I described them in any more detail, you might go out and harass them, so I’ll leave it at that.) There are also the Kelf, the Prelf, the Skelf, the Blelf, the Whelf, the Jelf, and the Quelf.
As for Carny, you can ask him yourself what he looks like if you ever see him.
What would a girl/guy/octopus need to do to stand a chance with you?
Any potential mate of mine must complete these 7 tasks to be eligible:
1 – Bring me the head of Colonel Montoya
2 – Read The Wheel of Time
3 – Understand why the B.C.S. is evil
4 – Learn how to play Paseo Dos
5 – Stand when they sing “Marseilles” in Casablanca
6 – Be prepared to battle the Magic Pygmy Rabbits for supremacy of the world, and know that I will always partly belong to the world that I lead.
7 – [Will be revealed upon completion of the first 6]
With Chocolate Pudding for Everyone,
Hyperion
September 2, 2004
Weblink
Cthulhu: http://www.cthulhu.org/
Credits
Thanks to Jerrica
Thanks to Laureate and Dominique
Thanks to Cthulhu
Thanks to the Webmaster at Cthulhu.org
Motto Explanation
If you don’t know this one, I’m not going to even try to explain it.
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