The Hyperion Chronicles

The Hyperion Chronicles

“French Fries taste better when stolen”

#318 Read or Read Not

Remember the first season of Friends (and, yes, Jagermeister, even you have seen Friends.), when Ross would pine away for Rachel? He’d watch her date and try to choose between all those stupid men and it drove him nuts because he knew he’d be so much better.

That’s how I felt last night watching the Presidential debate. I was astounded that with an exhaustive 4-year search these two were the best we could do. I was further amazed that—given the two candidates and their personalities—they continue to run the same sound bite-friendly prepackaged B.S. we’ve gotten for months.

After only a few questions I couldn’t take it any more, and had to get up and leave. I read the transcript, at least sparing me the awkward pauses, twitches, and mind-numbing monotones—but even that made me mad, so I had to go to my Denny’s to write about it all. (Luckily I have Braj, the alligator-god of Denny’s with me, so things are looking up.)

I guess what I am saying is that if I were on the national stage I would eschew the policy of only speaking test-marketed phrases (and you can tell, as the candidates say them over and over) and instead would just candidly say what I think. I would not fear the press or bad publicity, and let ‘em bring on their spin. After a few times people would start to realize that I do say what I mean, forgoing the dissembling that is so much of a politician’s world. My belief is that many people who don’t agree with every one of my positions would be impressed by my candor, knowing they could trust I wasn’t trying to pull on over on them, and vote for the content of my character.

One can always hope.

Today’s Agenda:

• Planes
• Trains
• Automobiles
• The Draft
• Cooperation
• Widescreen Movies
• Coins of the Realm

PLANES

I worked in the airline industry for several years—including before and after September 11—and I saw things change. To many of us, attack by airplane came not as a surprise because we already knew how easy security was to breach.

Now, there is a huge over-board factor in security, while the main problem isn’t addressed. Nail clippers aren’t going to hijack a paper airplane, let alone a jet. Some common sense needs to be used here.

The random searches aren’t working either. A new system needs to be in place. I don’t have this completely worked out, but I think we can all acknowledge a new system is needed.

However, hijacking is the least of my concerns. I think if any fool tries to hijack a plane in America, people will go Mob on his ass and that will be that. The much bigger problem is cargo. We now have these enormous MRI-looking machines to check each bag, but there is virtually no check of cargo. Often, cargo comes to the airline pre-wrapped, and no one—let me repeat that: NO ONE—opens it up to see if the contents match the manifest.

The airlines are loathe to change the system because cargo is their last big money maker and added security would eat into their vanishing profit. But people, something must be done. The whole industry is in financial crisis, and passengers are in constant physical peril that they don’t even know about.

TRAINS

The government already bails out this industry regularly to keep it afloat financially. And it’s still not very safe. As planes are more economically important to the country, the focus should be shifted there. At the very least the whole financial package should be overhauled.

And all passenger trains should have Muppets on them.

AUTOMOBILES

I wrote my very first column on seat belts and helmets. My position was that it was an issue of personal freedom, and if you were an adult and dumb enough, you should be allowed to ride as you will.

Most of the criticism I got on the issue concerned the cost of accidents where helmets and seat belts were not used; the injuries are more severe. Point taken: why should taxpayers foot the bill for people too stupid to use common sense?

So, I propose a compromise: allow adults to choose not to wear helmets and seat belts, if they so desire, as long as they know that it is they who will pay the financial burden should an accident occur.

But that’s small potatoes. A far bigger issue is drunk drivers. The statistics are mind-boggling. I don’t have the current numbers, but you don’t need them to know the transparent truth of what I’m saying.

If the same number of deaths occurred in any other sphere, we’d act in a heartbeat. This much preventable death in a disease, enemy, or whatever, would not be tolerated. We’d go to war; whatever we had to. And no longer will it be tolerated here.

First, I would mandate breathalyzers on all vehicles. This is an affront to personal freedom, but the cost in dollars and loss of life is simply too staggering to continue on as before. They already have this now for repeat DUI offenders. I’m sure if we put it to the automobile industry they could come up with a device that’s unobtrusive on the dash, or retrofit nicely on current vehicles.

That’s half the plan. Here’s the other half: with breathalyzers required to start any car, there would be zero excuse to drive drunk. It’s not like you could be too drunk to know what you were doing. To circumvent the system would require willful malfeasance. Clearly you’re thinking it through. Thus, to be caught drunk driving after this measure has been taken would constitute Attempted Murder, and be treated as such. And, if you did happen to kill someone? That would be premeditated murder, punishable to the fullest extent of the Law.

THE DRAFT

This issue is on the mind of many these days, so I’ll address it. To me, a compulsory draft exists when the very existence of a country is threatened. To date, terrorists do not pose that threat. They can kill American citizens, but not put the country in peril of eradication. The biggest problem is the Economic chaos they cause—which is very real to a country like America, and I’m not minimizing it. But I’m not putting in a draft for economics alone.

While I’m on this subject, though, there would be no reason to even consider a draft if soldiers were treated better. I realize American troops are the Holy Grail of what you cannot attack socially, but many soldiers’ families still suffer when their loved ones go to war.

That war can and often does happen is a fact that soldiers understand when they enlist. But they shouldn’t be worried that their families will lose their houses while the soldiers are away. An appalling number of soldiers’ families are on food stamps and struggle mightily.

I will overhaul all of that. You don’t become a soldier to get rich, but it shouldn’t make you poor, either. I will increase pay and benefits for the soldiers, and streamline the bureaucracy so it’s easier to see when problems arise.

I’m convinced even more people would choose to serve if the economics were more viable. I plan to make it so. We need a larger army, but one more flexible that can do more things. The American Soldier is the most valuable asset the military has. We should treat them that way.

COOPERATION

When you watch cop shows and movies, you always see the local police squabbling with the state cops or the Feds. Folks: they don’t make this stuff up out of thin air. This happens all the time. At the Federal level it can be even worse, with the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, and the EIEIO all keeping information quiet, trying to protect themselves and be the ones who break the case.

Ordinarily this is bad enough. Justice is slowed down by political infighting. However, when you get to National Security, the consequences can be dire.

And I’m tired of it.

When I’m president, there will be a clear message from the top down that where cooperation is necessary, it better be done. (And if you don’t know, ask.) Whether we need an Intelligence Czar or not is up for debate, and I’m willing to talk about it, but in the meantime, interagency cooperation will be the law. I will go one step further: to withhold information when it’s necessary will be considered light treason. I’m not saying 9/11 could have been averted with more communication, but I won’t let another happen because of bureaucratic idiocy.

WIDESCREEN

Okay, this is not so serious, but I feel very strongly about it. Movies should only be released on video in Widescreen format. With the Pan and Scan Fullscreen you lose on average 40% of the picture! And what’s left is blown up and distorted.

I probably cannot mandate that, but I can mandate that widescreen be available for all movies, and that all future TVs be in widescreen, to eliminate the problem. And while I’m on the subject, TVs need to be capable of High Definition. The TV companies know full well that all broadcasts will be in HD in a few short years, but they blithely keep selling regular TVs, know the customers will have to turn around and buy a new TV soon. That must stop.

COINS OF THE REALM

First, I will phase out the penny. With inflation, we really don’t need it. Everything can be rounded to the nearest nickel. Or, we can round everything up, and keep track, and put all those extra cents (on paper) into a fund, and at the end of the year we will have a huge party; a really good one with ice-cream cake and strippers. Well, maybe that’s a bit much. Some people don’t like ice cream cake.

Lastly, when I came to Canada as part of the Witness Protection Program, I was annoyed at the lack of dollar bills. However, I have come to love the Loonies and Toonies. Paper bills last an average of 17 months, where coins can last forever. I may not be able to get rid of small bills right away, but we can move that way by having coins with cool people on them. We can debate who goes on the coins, but for now I have some suggestions of American Icons:

The 10 dollar coin would be Papa Smurf. His wisdom helped the Smurfs through many hard times with Gargamel, and Papa should be honored here.

The 5 dollar coin would be Superman. Nothing says “Truth, Justice, and the American Way” like a Fiver.

The 2 dollar coin would be Homer Simpson, the Everyman. Can’t you see the ad campaign, where Homer is excited about being on “Dough!”

And for the 1 dollar coin, can there really be an argument here? The coin should be green, and it should be Yoda.

Remember to vote for me this November. For more information write and ask. The River Midget Interns get back Monday, and they’ll be happy to help.

Until next time, remember to read or read not: there is no skim.

Hyperion
October 01, 2004

Credits
Thanks to Braj
Thanks to Koz for Editing
Thanks to Taisie for the Caramel milkshake

Motto Explanation
They just seem to taste better if you reach over and nab a fry than if you get permission