The Hyperion Chronicles

The Hyperion Chronicles

“Protected at all times by a vicious stuffed hippo”

#325 The Dream Fades

Sic transit gloria mundi

So the glory of this world passes away

-Phrase used at the installation of new Popes

The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on

-Arab Proverb

Friends, supporters, well-wishers, financial backers, government spies quasi-legally reading emails from people on your “watch list” (thought I didn’t know about that, did you?), relatives, magic pygmy rabbits, opponents, miscreants, various “impartial” parties designated by the Red Cross, and those who don’t wish me any specific harm:

The Dream Fades.

When I decided to run for president of the Untied States, I did so for three reasons. First, I have great ideas to lead the country and the world, and honestly feel I am the best possible person for the job. Second, I couldn’t stomach the idea of just blithely letting either of the major candidates win without a fight. And last: chicks dig a Commander-in-Chief.

I ran in 1996 (receiving 1 vote), and again in 2000 (this time garnering 36). I figured that even if I didn’t win this time out, if I kept up on my exponential rate of growth, I’d be president by 2012; 2016 at the latest.

That meant I needed 1296 votes this election. But I, the eternal optimist, was not satisfied with merely making progress, having my “issues” heard. No, I wanted to win it all.

That’s why on election night I refused to concede. They were still counting Ohio, and without Ohio, neither candidate would win. Several other key states were also extremely close, and I wanted to wait until all the votes were counted.

But, I am a realist, and while I know many of my supporters are holding candle-light vigils, I now recognize that I will not be the 29^th president of the United States of America. That honor went to Warren G. Harding. And, neither will I be the 44^th president.

Several things derailed my presidency. For one, laws were passed to prohibit me from running. Secondly, the new “touch-screen” polling did not leave room for write-in candidates, and many potential voters wrote to tell me they tried to vote for me, but were thwarted. (You thought the touch-screens were meant to avoid the hanging-chad fiasco of 2000? No, they were to prevent people from voting for me.)

Next, it is admittedly hard to run an effective campaign while living in the Federal Witness Protection Program somewhere in unnamed Canada. Some of those campaign rallies I just couldn’t make it to. Money was also a big problem. My campaign ended up 15 million dollars short. (Interestingly, John Kerry’s campaign ended up with 15 million EXTRA dollars. I think someone should be looking into this.)

And, a big problem was that many people didn’t give my ideas the thought they deserve. I tell you the truth: when people would say to me, “It’s hard to take you seriously,” I just wanted to sic my stuffed hippo Critty on them.

However, all of those issues pale in comparison with the main one: voter disenfranchisement. For years I fought to get Micro-Americans the right to vote; groups such as River Midgets, Mogres (mini-ogres), ninja-dwarves, and others. It’s been a long struggle. But there is an even bigger group out there that is routinely denied their right to vote by an establishment bent on keeping the status-quo. I call this group Motionless-Americans.

The two main subsets are figurines and stuffed animals. (Sometimes Couch Potatoes are put in this class, but they are not so much Motionless as they are lazy.) The government has continually looked down on this oppressed group, denying them basic health-care, economic opportunities, and a voice in the political forum. I am confident that if Motionless-Americans were allowed to cast their votes, I would have won easily.

I own the stuffed animal vote, except for the Pandas, who hate me for some reason. However, the combined Big Cats, Dogs, and influential Teddy-Bear-Caucus would easily have been enough to own the day. As for the figurines, everyone knows they have real power, and are quite an independent lot. They don’t vote in packs and it is impossible to predict their behavior (apart from the general motionlessness, that is). However, I can’t see the majority of them supporting Kerry, who favored protectionist tariffs on Figurine immigration, and they were always uneasy about Bush as well. I think at worst I would take 55-60% of their vote.

Added together, this should have been enough to carry me to the White House. But, Que sera sera. I ran a good campaign. I didn’t get to all the issues I wanted to, but I presented what I believe and gave people and chance to see what a Hyperion-led Administration would look like. And, I promise to continue to bring up issues from time to time over the next four years. I will not rest until I rule the entire world with an iron-clad fist; Mwa ha ha ha ha…um…that is…I mean to say, until I am lawfully elected to something.

But for today, I am giving up my quest for the presidency. We were not out-foxed (how could we be?), but we were out-flanked. I formally remove my objections to the count in Ohio, Iowa, Indiana, Arizona, Alaska; actually: all the states that start with an vowel.

I concede.

The Dream Fades…for now.

Hyperion

November 19, 2004

Credits

Thanks to Tootsie for Editing

Thanks to Laureate for ideas

Special thanks to everyone in the U.S. who voted for me, and all the Canadians who tried to sneak down there and vote as well

Motto Explanation

I am, so don’t mess with me

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