The Hyperion Chronicles

“Don’t mess with me; I know the Cribs”

VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT EDITOR’S NOTE: I’ve been trying to tell you people for several weeks, but I am not—repeat; AM NOT—going to be sending out the column from my home any more. You can still get it, but you have to sign up on the website (and the website will send it to you when I post). People; it’s the simplest thing in the world. Even Skippy the Wonder-Lizard can do it. Signing up will take you two minutes and you’ll never have to worry again. Sign up on the Chronicles page for just this column, the Institute page for “everything,” or pick and choose. Details on the site. With that, the last column of the year. Enjoy.

#375 The Year That Was

The biggest story, at least for the next ten years, was Hurricane Katrina, and the seemingly inept response from the government at the local, state and federal levels. Somehow the Federal Government got most of the blame, which I guess is a function of the visibility of the president, but you have to start with the mayor of New Orleans and the governor of Louisiana. These people were so incompetent as to make one consider whether criminal charges should have been filed. Perhaps the lasting sound bite of the entire year was Mayor Ray Nagin on a radio show, blasting the president for not helping. And yet, could a town have been less prepared for what was historically inevitable? Could a city have reacted more poorly? Remember when 9/11 hit and there was Giuliani, seemingly everywhere, comforting everyone, the rock that America and even the world leaned on? Ray Nagin; not so much.

An interesting side note: just recently Meteorologists came out and said that after examining all the data, Katrina hit the coast of Louisiana and Mississippi at no more than a Category 3, not the Category 4 everyone previously thought. That means the levies New Orleans had—supposed to withstand a 3, which alone caused people to wonder why they only built them that high—didn’t even do that. Like I said, utter failure to prepare and respond.

One of the most frustrating things was watching the people in horrible conditions, suffering on live television. Journalists practically tore rotator cuffs patting themselves on the back for “bringing the truth,” but to me they just as often exploited the people. Hey, how about pitching in to help rather than just pointing your camera to catch the misery?

Another thing one couldn’t help but notice was that the majority of those in the most dire straits were African American. No serious person could honestly come up with the answer—as rapper Kanye West did live on a National Telethon, and right before his new album dropped too, in shades of Courtney Love—that George Bush just doesn’t like black people. That said, it doesn’t seem all that unreasonable to wonder if help would have come sooner if the majority of those people were white. (Witness New York and the Pentagon four years ago.) Is this because of some institutional racism pervasive over the American scene, or more a reflection of the utter incompetence on the local levels, mixed with the relatively very poor populace of New Orleans, high crime rate, and large percentage of population without adequate personal vehicles, access to news or trust in authorities?

When it comes right down to it it’s hard to feel 100% sorry for the city, although one’s heart certainly goes out to the people. After all, New Orleans was sitting on a time bomb. They made an entire river drain where it didn’t want to go, and I can’t stress this enough: the city existed under sea level. 50 years from now City Planners will study New Orleans, as the worst idea there ever was to put a large city. (Well, maybe that and Pompeii.)

The heart-warming part was that just like in 9/11, America and the rest of the world leaped to help. Some grumbled that America shouldn’t accept aid from other countries, but that’s ridiculous. America has been the most generous nation in history, helping other nations at the drop of a hat. For others to show gratitude and pitch in when the situation is reversed only brings people together, not drive them apart.

Of course, as much as it made me proud to see my fellow human beings so eager to help, I couldn’t help but wince at the irony that most people were only vaguely aware of the much more devastating earthquake in Pakistan a few weeks later. The final death count in Katrina turned out to be several hundred, yes? Pakistan’s Quake took out over 70,000. 100 years from now, that story gets more press in history books.

This year Africa came into the forefront. With the movie HOTEL RWANDA getting accolades, and this year’s THE CONSTANT GARDENER and LORD OF WAR, Hollywood finally got on the Africa bandwagon. And while I generally don’t trust Hollywood to do anything that isn’t all about their bottom line or stroking their own ego, any publicity helps.

Along those same lines Live 8 made waves, although how many people noticed that instead of raising money as in years’ past, the goal of the concert was to raise “awareness”? While that may be a laudable goal, the dirty little secret is that previous Live Aid concerts, especially the first, had so many accounting problems that no one has ever been able to document where the money went.

I’m still happy that Bono at least cares; though one wonders at the wisdom of his plan for debt relief. For example, up here in Canada Bono and Bob Geld off pushed Prime Minister Paul Martin to commit to 0.7% of Canada’s GNP for debt relief. I got several email circulars asking me to support it. I had to laugh. Where did they come up with this figure? And who decided it? I’m willing to bet not one person who rallied for it (the regular people now), had any idea what that number might mean. Why not more? Why not less?

The sad truth is that debt relief, though needed, is not the total answer. Unless the underlying problems are fixed, more debt will continue to be run up and Africa will be right back in the same mess. (Don’t believe me? This has happened before. Several times.)

A few weeks ago there was this special live West Wing, where the new presidential candidates argued about Africa. Alan Alda’s character argued that high taxes were actually Africa’s problem. Because of the International Community’s demand that African nations pay back their debts, taxes were too high for regular people to get any sort of commerce or savings going. This is not untrue, and I was shocked that a liberal show like West Wing would even bring it up.

Another problem—perhaps just as big—is one nobody likes to talk about. While a large part of Africa is a desert, there is still much land that could be farmed for agriculture and produce. This is the how countries start out building an economy when they have no infrastructure: agrarian. America and Canada certainly didn’t start out with big manufacturing plants.

The problem: Europe (and to keep up, shamefully the Americans and Canadians as well), heavily subsidizes the produce of its own farmers.

The end result is that no African nation can hope to compete on the world market, and thus a very viable industry to them goes by the wayside. You think about that the next time you’re bitching about how much tomatoes cost.

[Initially there was a section included on Iraq. It ran 1400 words. I cut it and cut it and cut it down to about 600, but realized I couldn’t hope to say everything I have to on the subject, and so have planned on Iraq getting its own column around the 10^th of January.]

In sports not a whole lot happened. Well, up here in Canada the world stopped as hockey went away (although, to be honest, I never found all that many Canadians who cared that much either). At least it was on the radar up here; how many Americans, including sports fans, even knew the NHL was on hold, let alone cared?

The entire mess was idiotic because it became clear early on that the players never thought any of it through. They (I guess) assumed the owners would cave, but they had no backup plan. The owners held all the cards, and there was no way they would lose. Logistically, the owners had it set up that there was no way they could lose. In the end, the players came back for substantially less than they’d been offered before, fans lost a season, and for what?

Professional basketball and football saw perennial winners, and baseball continued its two-year-old tradition of breaking 80-odd year curses, but even then excitement wasn’t that high. The biggest story baseball came up with was the steroid hearings.

They were a total joke, with Congress—of all the ethical arbiters—holding fake hearings for the sole purpose of gaining good press by wagging their fingers at a group of athletes who may or may not have taken steroids, and even if they did, it wasn’t against baseball’s rules at the time! I pray to God I get called in front of Congress one day. I’ll produce theatre that will make Godfather 2 and The Aviator look like middle school. I just wish I could think of something vaguely criminal to catch their attention.

Then there were celebrities, getting together or breaking up, but I’m assuming you don’t care, and I care less than you do, so we’ll move on. A whole bunch of celebrities that I do care about died, but you’ll hear enough about them on the news. (I will say that Johnny Cash and Johnny Carson, and possibly even Richard Prior didn’t die, but are instead fighting crime with Tupac and Elvis. More on that in a few weeks.)

A whole bunch more happened, but as it’s my birthday, I’m getting tired of writing (as you much be getting tired of reading). So I’ll sign off by saying I’ve enjoyed bringing you the column this year. I launched the web-sites, with all my old stuff on them, a major accomplishment for me. (And for the last time, this is the LAST column I will be sending out. If you want to continue reading any or all of my stuff, you’ll have to sign up online. If you have problems write and I’ll help.)

I also managed to launch a yearlong story, Fagin Dupree, which will conclude in a couple of weeks (due to Christmas and the fact that I started it in February). I also managed to write a movie-script, which was big for me personally, although you may not care. However, when it’s the biggest movie in history, you’ll tell people you used to read me.

So, I encourage you to sign up, and to visit the web site as often as possible. With all the stuff we have going on there is plenty to read every single day. We’d love to have you.

And that’s life in the Global Monkey Barn,

Hyperion
December 31, 2005

CREDITS

‘Preciate
Thanks to everyone who helped with the columns or website, especially Jason D. Jones and Dragon.

Motto Explanation
This girl has been leaving comments on my website, and that was one of them. I think it was supposed to scare me, and actually read that she knows the “Crips,” a notorious gang, but her way is funnier.

Rank Everything
On the Rank Everything website (http://rankeverything.blogspot.com/), we have been doing “best of” for the year, including TV and my columns. Come by and check them out.

Fagin Dupree
A chapter will drop next week, and regularly after that to finish by the end of January. Make sure you’re signed up to know when they come out.

Hyperion X
Pretty much ready to go. Might show up on the website as early as Sunday, maybe not until mid-week. Check the Institute for details. You will have to sign up individually for it, as Hyperion X will not be included with the “Everything” package.

LEGAL BOILERPLATE
The Hyperion Institute, which is comprised of The Hyperion Chronicles, MovieHype, HyperionX, Monkey Barn, Hyperion Rants, Literary Hype and Rank Everything is wholly owned and operated by Hyperion. You MAY forward this column, but ONLY IF you forward the entire column. Feel free to visit out website (see below) for more information on any of our services. To unsubscribe please send an email to Hyperion at hyperionchronicles@shaw.ca and, if you feel like it, why you’re being such a hater. And since no one is still reading, I wanted to say I’m going to miss doing these little throw-away comments. I didn’t know anybody read them until Quincy noticed that I threatened to steal his wife. Made me feel all fuzzy inside. Maybe I can come up with a way to continue it on the website, but I doubt it. I’d also like to say that if you care enough about the column to still be reading at this point, why on Earth aren’t you signed up for email notification? For shame. Lastly, I Luh you!

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