The Hyperion Chronicles

After last week’s immensely popular (on par with TITANIC, before the backlash), Tracy Lynn (or Broccoli Head, as she prefers to be called) and I decided to answer more questions. And, you’ll be happy to know the question of what to call it has been answered. At the end of last week Broccoli Head broke with the professional journalistic standards I tried to implement…

Broccoli Head(interrupting): What standards? You’d make “George Steinbrenner and Karl Rove caught in a gay bath house” wag their fingers at you for shame….

Hyperion: I’m trying to the introduction here. Shut your pot-sticker hole!

Anyway, as I was saying, when Broccoli Head

Broccoli Head: Just call me Tracy Lynn, or there won’t be any column, just a dead Hyperion….

Hyperion: Fine. Anyway, when Tracy “I’m too cool to go by my nickname of Broccoli Head” Lynn so rudely called me an “Asshat” at the end of last week’s episode, I realized we had the name for our column. For you see, if you take the acronym of Hyperion and Tracy, you get “ASK H.A.T.” which is almost like Asshat! Pretty sweet, huh?

Tracy Lynn: You are lamer than Stephen Hawking (and I mean that literally!)

Hyperion: Let’s just get to the questions.

Like last time, these are actual questions from actual readers. We answered them over a period of two days in back and forth emails.

Dear Tracy and Hyperion:

Potato or macaroni salad with your burger?

Perplexed with sides

Dear Perplexed:

Tracy Lynn: I'm afraid I'm going to have to say neither. Other people's use of mayonnaise is not to be trusted, and the only exception to that rule is my mom and Dragon. I go for fries, or if at a cook out, a hot dog or brat is an excellent compliment.

Hyperion: I've never trusted mayonnaise either. It tastes horrible, and causes most food poisoning besides. I agree with the artist formerly known as Broccoli Head that Fries are the natural side for a burger, and I love her cook out idea. I never would have thought of a burger and dog together, but once again Tracy's love of wieners has shown us the way.

Tracy Lynn: Some may call it a crime against nature, but my love is pure.

Hyperion: I too admit a fondness for stuffing elongated meat (of questionable origin) into my mouth, but enough about Saturday night! (ba dum ching!)

Dear Tracy and Hyperion:

Are you married?

Li’l Bo Peep

Dear Peep:

Hyperion: Why would you think we were married? All we ever do is fight. Tracy tells me what to do. We never have sex......hmmmmm

Tracy Lynn: It's like being in a marriage of convenience, without any of the
conveniences.Or sex. Or tax breaks...what was the question again?

Hyperion: The question is whether we're married, which we’re clearly not. I've never even met you. And you've never met me (which is why you even talk to me in the first place). But here's a more interesting question: What would it be like if we were married?

Tracy Lynn: I hadn't thought about it. I don't think I'm a very good candidate for marriage. I'm a bit self centered. And H. is clearly as crazy as a weasel, so at least we would have something in common. However the constant picking of nits would drive me to murder and since there is a decided lack of giant pigs in the area, it is better if we don't even go there.

Hyperion: See, I think we’d actually do well. Neither one of us is bothered by a flippant attitude or extreme sarcasm, and can vent without too much violence. Frankly, if it weren’t for the rest of the world’s female population (who would be crushed) I might marry you.

Tracy Lynn: YOU might marry ME? Do you have any idea how patriarchal
and condescending that sounded? As if I were just waiting around for some guy to marry me? Nothing to do with me, screw what I might think, women are objects. I swear to God, Hyperion, if you lived any closer to me, you'd be dead by now. Or at least seriously damaged, in all sorts of inventive ways.

Hyperion: Are you sure we're not married already?

As for the threats of violence...quit trying to turn me on.

Tracy Lynn: You fill me with hate.

Hyperion: Well, the important thing is that you're full. Remember, another word for full is sated, and another word for sated is satisfied. And any husband who satisfies his wife has to be doing something right.

After much cooling off…….

Dear Hyperion and Tracy:

Is it more difficult to Fall in love, stay in love, or leave love behind?

Torn

Dear Torn:

Tracy Lynn: Fall in love, totally. Makes the stay in love part moot, and I have never really had a problem walking away.

Hyperion: I have to completely disagree, (although I'm not saying Tracy is wrong; I'm just speaking in general and not personally). Falling in love is an emotion, and comes and goes. I think this is the easiest to do. Staying in love, through the ups and downs, past the emotions (which by definition will fade and ebb), and all the crap of a relationship is much harder. Walking away from love might be the hardest for some people, but I think in terms of the percentage, staying in love is the hardest.

Tracy Lynn: yeah, I think this one is down to the individual, although
I still say that falling in love is the hardest. So Nyer.

To hell with it- let's do it and screw what anyone else thinks.

Hyperion: What happened to all your hate?

Tracy Lynn: FOUL! Illegal cut and paste! That came from another question!

Hyperion: Sorry, I got confused. We have multiple emails going back and forth, and I think you actually answered the wrong one. In retrospect, I should have known you’d never say anything so kind. Are you mollified?

Tracy Lynn: Harumph!

[But which question did it come from?]

Dear Hyperion and Tracy:

Do you take vitamins to raise your immune system?

Searching for health

Dear Searching:

Hyperion: I rely on the BLKF theory for my health.

Tracy Lynn: I have the immune system of an anemic lemming and no
vitamins in the world are going to help me. I have no idea what Hyperion is talking about, other than to suggest that he's listening to the rice crispies again.

Hyperion: How can you not know the BLKF Theory? I swear, sometimes I think you were raised in New England (which his one step below a barn). For the record, the BLKF theory states that all things on earth, from Congress to Movies, to Books to (most importantly) food can be improved by one (or more) of the following three things: Bacon, Lesbians, and Kung Fu.

It is my contention that the more of these things I get, the healthier I am. In effect, the are vitamins.

Tracy Lynn: Well, judging from your near constant state of headache, you aren't getting enough Lesbians in your diet. Or Kung Fu. I know you're getting enough bacon, theory boy. And if you keep dissing New England, you're going to have a sharp increase in P, or PAIN.

Hyperion: It’s too bad there isn’t a pharmacy where you could get a lesbian prescription filled. That would be sweet. As for dissing New England, you misunderstood. I was merely pointing out a fact. I would never diss New England. To me that’s like going to battle with an unarmed opponent.

Tracy Lynn: People in glass Canadas shouldn't throw stones there, Mr. Clever trousers. Still, I like the idea of a “Lesbian Supplement.”

Hyperion: "Glass Canadas" would make a great band name. Even better: “Lesbian Supplement.” You're pretty bright, no matter where you were brought up. Oh, and thanks for pointing out how clever I am. It's working out pretty well, and I plan to keep it up.

Tracy Lynn: Sometimes, it's not even worth firing up the computer you asshat.

And the George Washington rule is in effect (“Always stop when an asshat comes out”), so that’s a good place to stop. As our little advice column is a resounding success, we’ll keep it going. Just remember to write “Dear Hyperion and Tracy, not the other way around. Remember, it’s ASK H.A.T. not ASK T.A.H.