The Hyperion Chronicles

[And now we present what is fast becoming the most popular of weekly features.....]

[As always, these are actual emails from actual readers (of questionable intelligence)....]


Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

What is the best underwear?

Signed,
Up in a Bunch


Dear Bunched,

Hyperion: As for male garments, there is no question. Made the switch to boxers 11 years ago, and never looked back. I can't tell you what women find more aesthetically pleasing to look at, but for comfort, it's inarguable. (I did accidentally buy some boxer-briefs the other day, but never tried them on. After Googling, I found out they are just briefs that are longer for (and I'm not making this up) "men who want to wear briefs but don’t' want to look gay.")

Now, as for women's underwear...here the question gets interesting. Can't speak to comfort (I'll let Tracy handle that, although one suspects she wears army fatigues), but to look at, panties are awesome. I like all kinds. Actually, that's not quite true. I don't actually like the thongs and g-strings. It sounds like a great premise, but I like the underwear to hide a little, leave it up to your imagination.

Then of course there's the Latin rule "Semper Ubi Sub Ubi." (Always Where Under Where) I have to say, that doesn't apply. If I KNOW a woman isn't wearing underwear, that's about as hot as it gets.

I better stop there, before my sexy answers make TL incoherent with lust.

Tracy Lynn: You wish. NOTHING makes me incoherent.

But as to men's underwear, once you've removed the tighty whitey from the equation, which, unless you are a prepubescent boy or androgynous lesbian, I would hope you've already done, then it's down to the guy.

Some guys look really hot in the boxer briefs, and that's all there is to it. But almost all guys look good in the boxers, if, and I can't state this strongly enough, IF THEY FIT RIGHT. Raggedy ass undies look good on no one, my friends, and are a deal breaker in certain intimate situations.

As to women's, I personally prefer the high cut panty, and I like the look of the girl briefs, too. Anything with strings gets the thumbs down from me, because if I'm uncomfortable I do NOT feel sexy, and I'm no longer 18 and willing to torture myself with underwear. And thongs-well, that area needs no flossing, thank you very much.

I think the basic rule of thumb is, comfort first. Unless you have granny panties, then I'm afraid that you need more help then a mere pair of advice columnists can give you. Without physical violence, anyway.

Hyperion: Tracy claims there's no lust talking about this, but there she goes with the violence again (which, as it should be obvious by now, is clearly foreplay to her).



Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 15 months. Things are mostly great. She told me that last week she kissed a guy at a party, and even though, "it wasn't cheating," she wanted to be honest with me. I told her it WAS cheating, and we got in a really big fight. But maybe I'm wrong. Is kissing someone cheating? If not, what is? Is this something I should break up with her over?

Signed,
Feeling used



Dear Used,

Tracy Lynn: Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Kissing someone else is so totally cheating, and she feels bad, and that's way she told you. So she could feel better, and never mind that it made you feel like crap. And now she's hoping that you get mad and break up with her, so that she can tell herself that she tried to be honest, but you couldn't handle it.

And all of it, dear Used, is a load of shit. She doesn't value you, she's playing around, and even if you're a boil-covered dwarf, you totally deserve better than the manipulative drama queen you've been dating.


Hyperion: At the risk of raising Broccoli Lynn's ire, I think it's more complicated than that. To be sure: if you've been going out 15 months, and are in an exclusive "relationship,” then what the girl did was wrong, very wrong. And, I totally agree with Tracy that the girl's motives are almost certainly sinister. Whether she hopes you break up with her, feels guilty, or is just manipulative, she's got ill intent. (If she screwed up and was genuinely sorry, she would admit it was wrong and beg you to forgive her.)

But I return to the central question: Is kissing cheating? Maybe. But look at it another way: is kissing as bad as sex? I don't see how you can possibly equate the two. If I can use an analogy from PULP FICTION, do you remember when they are talking about a man who supposedly gave another man's wife a foot massage? Vincent Vega (John Travolta) compares a foot massage to oral sex, to which Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) had this rejoinder: "Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her Holiest of Holies, ain't the same f**kin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same f**kin' sport."

Now, I should point out that Vincent Vega makes the excellent point that a foot massage is touching a woman in an intimate way, it means something, and a man shouldn't do it to another man's wife (at least if that other man is a gangster). Point made. If you're in a relationship, you shouldn't be kissing another girl or guy. But it is not the same thing as having sex with them. I can see where someone could get caught in the moment and kiss another person. But to tear your clothes off and have sex? That's caught in something else.

Should you break up over it? That's up to you. If this girl says kissing isn't wrong, she sounds nuts and I'd dump her.

It does raise an interesting question: What else is off limits? Can you have lunch with a member of the opposite sex? What about phone calls? Can you have an advice column with a mercurial red head with a bodacious rack?


Tracy Lynn: Hyperion, as always, has gone so far off tangent as to be on another planet.

Any right thinking person knows that if you feel you have to confess it, either you are worried that you are going to get busted anyway, or it's bothering you. Both options are indicative that YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING WAS WRONG.

And obviously, it IS intent that matters. To have a meal with a male friend is one thing; to have a meal with a male friend you kinda like is a different thing entirely, as Hyperion well knows, and if he doesn't stop calling me Broccoli, I'm going to get intensely mercurial on his ass.


Hyperion: Well, I must be cheating, because I get all turned on when you're violent.

And I realize the subtleties of what I said would be missed by someone possessing the mental faculties of, ahem, a green stalky vegetable, but I did not claim what she did wasn't wrong. Of course it's wrong. Of that there can be no question. And it's made further wrong (and to my mind a break-upable offense) by her claiming it wasn't wrong.

But it remains on the table: how wrong is it?

I was talking to Kaida about this, and told her that if she got caught up in the moment and kissed some guy, and came and confessed it, that I wouldn't break up with her over it.

"Cool," she said." "I have a freebie."

Sigh. Must all women miss the point? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you break up with someone if they kiss someone else. Maybe I would. All I'm saying is that it's not as bad to kiss someone as it is to, you know, traffic in sexual congress.


Tracy Lynn: It's not about degrees, dear, it's about intent. And I'm pretty sure you don't get 'caught up in the moment' if you are happily entangled already. Anyway, I'm sure we'll be discussing it again when Kaida claims her freebie.


Hyperion: She gets no Freebies! (Unless it's with you)





Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

What I want to know is what logical gaps bother you the most in movies you enjoy. For me personally it's Forrest Gump running nonstop for two years without eating drinking or going to the bathroom. Also, there is no way Jerry Maguire got home from that Monday Night game at an hour when all those women were still there. It’d be like 3 in the morning, easy! What do you think?

Signed,
Cares way too much about movies


Dear Cares way too much,

Tracy Lynn: Dude, you really need to consider getting laid. Or, even, getting out of the basement more often than the once a month. The whole idea of entertainment is to, say it with me, "suspend disbelief". That means not paying attention to stupid shit like that.

If that's the kind of stuff you're noticing when you watch movies, then I hope like hell you're just renting them, because otherwise that's a total waste of a tenner.


Hyperion: You’re so sexist. I can’t believe you assume he’s a guy.

Tracy Lynn: Since when does “dude” refer to only a guy? But seriously: Of course, he’s a man. Only men would waste their time with such nonsense.

Hyperion: This from a girl who watches cartoons like John Nash searching for secret messages. I also find it sad in a "those kids in the Sally Struthers commercials" way that you refuse to buy movies. I buy far fewer than most, but if I'm going to watch a movie more than 5 times in the future, I'd consider buying it (especially if I want to let people borrow the movie).

As for nitpicking movies, of course it's silly, but within the movie’s own logical framework they should follow the rules. (i.e., bloodthirsty clown shows up in a David Lynch movie = GOOD; bloodthirsty clown shows up in SCHINDLER’S LIST = BAD.)

So, in an effort to treat our questioners with respect (and really, Tracy Lynn, you chowder head, you should learn to treat people with respect), let's see what we can come up with:

THE ROCK: They need Sean Connery to break into Alcatraz with the whole "furnace timing mechanism" thing, and then once Connery is in, he opens a door to let the others in. Except....breaking OUT, why didn't Connery just open that door in the first place?

I have more, but I'll give TL a chance to get into the game.


Tracy Lynn: I don't buy movies, dubba, because I have enough cable for a small third world nation, and so any movie I may want to watch is on some channel, some where.

As for the other, I always had a hard time understanding why people in horror movies do the exact opposite of the thing MY survival instinct is screaming at them to do. How smart do you have to be to know that, if people are leaving the group and not returning, you probably shouldn't split up?!

Hyperion: That's a good one, although at this point it's a cliche (plus, no horror movie would work without stupid women who are about to come out of their tops), so how else would it work?

I thought of another:

INDEPENDENCE DAY - I can live with the idea of Alien Invasion. I can even live with the idea that Will Smith could fly the craft after watching it in motion. I can even live with the idea that the US computer will hook up to the alien computer to upload a virus.

But here's my problem: The computer is a MAC. I'm sorry, but (especially in 1996), no self-respecting war-like alien race is going to use anything but Microsoft Windows.

Tracy Lynn: Computer snob. And, thank you, you've now alienated every reader we have who uses a Mac. Now we're going to get mail detailing the fifty thousand reasons, pro and con, why aliens would or wouldn't use a damn Mac. Damnit, Hyperion, if you don't start paying attention, I'm going to make you wear your ass for a hat.

Hyperion: And on that note, we better stop before the George Washington rule goes into effect. Join us next Friday, when we discuss our favorite cartoons (and suddenly Tracy Lynn is the nerd who needs to get out more), what’s with the hot summers, is Mel Gibson secretly Jewish, and why all Boston sports teams are evil.

Tracy Lynn: That’s it! It's time for a beat-down, you asshat!

Hyperion: Sigh. I tried. See you next week, folks. (I sure hope Tracy's "beat down" isn't cheating.)