The Hyperion Chronicles

Ask H.A.T.

“We’re totally not worse than Hitler”

Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

Long time reader, first time questioner. Love your column. Absolutely LOVE it! Have you two considered your own website for Ask HAT? I think it could really take you places.

Thinking Big

Dear Big,

Hyperion: Usually I’m the idea man, but this time it was Tracy who saw the big picture and clubbed me over the head with it. Initially I thought this would be a one or two time deal. I had no idea how well people would respond. Of course, everyone ends up reading it on her site (he said, successfully hiding his bitterness), but you can’t have everything.

Tracy thought of the website, which we may go to. We also had the idea to do half the column each week on my site, and half on hers. Tracy pointed out that you are lazy lazy people, and clicking on a link can sometimes prove too much for you. (This is probably why we’ve held off on the separate site just yet.)

One thing Tracy Lynn did suggest is a dedicated email address to answer all the queries, and here’s where we ran into trouble. We both came up with different ideas, and we both liked what we came up with. Tracy’s wants to present them here and let the audience decide. I rather suspect she did this because she knows how much you all love here, while tolerating my continued existence on earth, but I reluctantly agreed.

Anyway, I’ll let TL tell you about her idea.

Tracy Lynn: FINALLY! Ok, my idea was ask.hat.66@gmail.com. I like the randomness of it, and I like the 66, but I don't really have a reason, like a logical kind of reason. Plus I thought 69 was a little too too, you know. And can I add that if Hyperion were maybe a little less jealous and bitter, people might warm up to him more? I mean if he weren't such a big baby about that sort of thing. Just a thought.

Hyperion: As I was telling a large green spider just yesterday, I'm all for random. And I'm not going to criticize her email address, but I do think it's legitimate to point out that because of the randomness and the dots, it's not easy to remember.

My idea was askthehat@gmail.com. I like giving us a definite article. Makes us more spiffy and authoritative somehow. Plus, it's super easy to remember. I do acknowledge there could be some bleeding into Harry Potter territory, but how can that do anything but help us?

Speaking of hats, if somewhere down the road we actually put a hat into our designs (which, we're still working on), so much the better! But even if no, askthehat@gmail.com just flows and snaps a little better.

Tracy Lynn: I DO NOT WANT A HAT IN THE DESIGNS. No Hat. Even if I do concede that askthehat is somehow easier to remember, which I DON’T, it's a moot point because the email address hides behind the buttons. One is as good as another, if that's your criteria.

Hyperion: Ah, how soon she forgets our budding empire. Setting aside whether or not a hat ever enters the marketing, buttons aren't going to do the trick. When you're asked for the email, are you going to hand them a button? When our pictures are on the sides of busses, will there be a button? I think not.

Tracy Lynn: You just threw in that bit about the hat to piss me off. And it worked, because it's making me intransigent on the subject of askthehat, as well as whatever visions of hats you have dancing through your head. And I was THIS CLOSE to caving.

Hyperion: I think my favorite part of you is how desperate you get when you realize I'm right. But we'll let the (snicker) unbiased Readers decide.

What do you think, loyal Readers? Let us know if we should go to ask.hat.66@gmail.com or askthehat@gmail.com (And while you’re at it, keep sending in questions!)

Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

If you two were to actually meet, would you annihilate each other like matter and anti matter?

Science Wonk

Dear Wonk,

Hyperion: That's a pretty good assessment, because everything I say matters, and Tracy's like some old Auntie. (Auntie-anti….get it?)

Tracy Lynn: I'd say that Hyperion was the original anti matter. And I would annihilate him. Slowly. very slowly.

Hyperion: Your command of the speed of a matter/anti-matter collision would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad.

Tracy Lynn: I don't have to have a grasp of physics to kick your sorry ass.

Hyperion: Well, I don't blame you. If I knew as little of science as you do, I'd be violent too.

Tracy Lynn: I know chemistry. Enough chemistry to blow you up, poison you, or maim you in may inventive—and here's the important part—PAINFUL ways. And that's really all the science I need. To deal with you, anyway.

Hyperion: I would like to see the combustive properties of Element 141: Tracilinium (Tl)

Tracy Lynn: You'd think you get enough danger doing the column, but noooooo. YOU have to always push your luck. Tracilinium will rock your world.

Hyperion: It must be frustrating to know your element can do what you can't.

Tracy Lynn: Bastard!

Hyperion: oooh, good comeback. Hey,Tracy, next time leave the smart comebacks to the adults, or at least let your element help you out, okay?

Tracy Lynn: Ok

Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

I Just wanted to say first that I'm very impressed Hyperion had the courage to follow his convictions and change his name, answer a higher calling if you will, take on the charge to lead the world, when he became Hyperion. Way to go! (And we'll be celebrating tomorrow in your honor.)

My question: Does Tracy Lynn every think she'll "get the call" like that?

Adoring Acolyte

Dear “Acolyte”

Tracy Lynn: Dude, That is so wrong. So very very WRONG. I cannot believe you sometimes.

Hyperion: What I'd do?

Tracy Lynn: You bastard, YOU wrote that damn question! And don't go all googly eyed and try to tell me you didn't, because that one REEKS of you. The smug self congratulatory tone, the pedantic phrasing, the inability to refrain from gross self promotion. All hallmarks of your inimitable and annoying style. I can't believe that you would use this column in such a blatant and unfunny manner. It's despicable.

Hyperion: I am wounded, madam! The very idea that I would send in a question is so beyond the pale...I....I (spluttering), I refuse to even acknowledge it!

Tracy Lynn: Dude, don't even! Wounded, my left buttock. You think I don't recognize your writing?! Another example of how you think I'm stupid. Well, let me tell you , buddy, that shit will NOT fly. You hear me?

Hyperion: (hands over ears, and VERY loudly) HAPPY HYPERION DAY TO ME! HAPPY HYPERION DAY TO ME! HAPPY HYPERION DAY YOU CHARMING RO-OGUE, HAPPY HYPERION DAY TO ME!!!!!

Tracy Lynn: Now, that's just sad. For heavens sake, Hyperion, stop acting like the five year old you are! I Mean it, or I swear I will smack you!

Hyperion: (with a hurt puppy dog look) That's no way to treat someone the day before their re-birthday. Sniff Sniff

Tracy Lynn: Listen, you don't need to sulk. If you want people to celebrate your birthday, you tell them when it is. You DO NOT make up questions for the column to try and trick people into celebrating your birthday. OK? It's not like you're Stalin. People will celebrate your birthday.

Hyperion: Telling me I'm not as bad as Stalin is not a nice thing to say! I am not placated!

Tracy Lynn: Who's your pal?

Hyperion: My pal?

Tracy Lynn: (sigh) C'mon, H. Who's your pal?

Hyperion: I don't know (I don't think I have any pals....just wolves at the door)

Tracy Lynn: You know. Who's your buddy?

Hyperion: (sniffling) you?

Tracy Lynn: That's right, and I'll help you celebrate your birthday, because I'm your pal and that's what pals do. Ok?

Hyperion: (through tears) Oh happy day! I'm so stoked. (Hyperion dances like the Peanuts kids in the Christmas special)

Tracy Lynn: But you're still an Asshat.

Tracy Lynn: And so, ladies and gents, if you could find it in your little black hearts to wish Hyperion a Happy Birthday, I would be very grateful. Until next week, when we commiserate with Pluto, talk about party etiquette and debate the sanity of Hyperion's plans for a fourth political party. See you then, and KEEP THOSE QUESTIONS COMING! (And when you do, vote for MY address idea!)