The Hyperion Chronicles

[This was the second column back after injury had kept me out for an extended time]


I am with you once again, friends.

The risky step of giving my address and phone number (or at least making it easy to find) has paid off, sort of. A few of you have called, and one can only hope those who have not are going to surprise me with beef jerky or soft core porn in the mail.

This isn't to say the calls have all been pleasant. One of you went expressly against my instructions by refusing to identify herself. Luckily, this person never identifies herself, and thus I was able to figure out who she was by that annoying fact alone.

[And just to make sure she doesn't try to take credit here, let me relate one other part of the conversation. At one point she suddenly said, "Did you hear that?" I replied that I hadn't, and this person said, "I just farted, and it's so bad it singed my nose hairs." And like everything else in my life, I am not making this up.]

Speaking of telling the truth, I have been talking to some of the local girls and found out that the Sea Monster has a name: Helvetica. I know what you're thinking: "Helvetica is a font type for Word." This is true. But it turns out that the font type is named after this Sea Monster. I did not know this, but apparently this is quite common, and may also explain why the Loch Ness Monster is sometimes referred to as "Comic Sans."

Anyway, I have not yet been able to speak with Helvetica, but I'll keep you posted there. Meanwhile, I am still looking for a good name for my Trailer behind the Colony Inn. Suggestions would be welcome.

I had planned to write today about pain and Taco Bell. (Which, just to be clear, were two different subjects, not pain because of Taco Bell, which usually happens when one too many Mexi-Melts are consumed.) However, a more urgent crisis has come up, and by the time I wrote about that, my leg and back started killing me, necessitating a trip back to the Trailer to rest. The thoughts started on Monkey Barn (which I have linked below) and then continued on The SoapBox (which I have copied below), so make sure you check all that out, and as often as I'm able I'll be back here to write you more. Finally, today's title is a mystery, and points to the first person who figures it out. Okay, on with the show.


Over on Monkey Barn I wrote about how I shamedly have watched the Yoga Booty Ballet infomercial. It's a horrible thing, mostly because I hate the word Booty. This got me to thinking about words I hate. We all have them, words that just drive us nuts to hear. I describe it like fingernails on the chalkboard, something that actually doesn't bother me, but that's my reaction whenever I hear the word "booty."

I realize that coming up with a word for "ass" that an infomercial can say 500 times in half an hour is tough. I mean, the point of the videos is to tone the Abs and the Ass, but you can't just say that. Saying "butt" would be the best bet, but I guess they wanted something fresher. Actually, now that I think about it, there are several words for butt that don't sit well with me. (No pun intended.) I haver NEVER liked "buns," whether it be for a roll (as they call rolls in Canada), or a human posterior. Buns just seems, undignified, and is never EVER sexy.

But even worse, much worse, to me is "bum." Using "bum" for "butt" bothers me to the point of violence. I simply abhor it. I'm less vehment but still cannot stand "arse." It sounds so Braveheart to me. Actually, "bum" and "arse" are British slang, so maybe I have some unresolved issues with Posh Spice or something.

Is there not a word we can use without offense? If ass is not appropriate, and butt too boring, what can we do? Back to the point, there are many words throughout my life that have bothered me for one reason or another. There was a time when shortening Medication to "meds" or Applications to "apps" angered me beyond belief. I only struck someone who said "meds" once, but in my defense, I did warn him I didn't like the term, and honestly, if you're going to work in a psychiatric hospital, you must expect these things.

When I look back on it and break it down, it doesn't seem all that difficult to figure out why "meds" and "apps" upset me so. I had just entered a world where I was supposedly going to have to take medicine the rest of my life. Similarly, I was under pressure from my parents to get a job.

Both subjects were depressing to deal with, so I think I focussed on something not really important, the words themselves, to get angry about. However, this does not change the fact that I did get angry.

Everyone's list of hated words is personal, and probably says something about the person. I had a friend who once told me she absolutely hated the word "panties." I never asked, but c'mon, there just has to be a juicy story there, right?

[Of course, maybe I shouldn't be too adamant about this theory, because if true, what does it say about my dislike of words for butt?]

What are other words I don't like? Manis and Peddis. I don't know why. Maybe left over from the shortening thing mentioned above. My current least favorite word is "stinky." It just seems like such an unsophisticated word, not worthy of us, and somehow base.

I know I have more--much more--but I'm all worked up about this now, and my ankle is starting to really pound, so I better let it go for now. What are some words you hate, and why? Share in the comments words that for some reason just totally tick you off.