The Hyperion Chronicles

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The first movie of the day was BABEL. I reviewed that earlier in the week, which you can read all about it here.

To sum up: interesting but chaotic, watchable but not something I personally would have nominated. However, we both loved the Japanese girl. I happened to remember she was nominated for an Academy Award, and we talked briefly about whether she could break into American Cinema, and if so, might we introduce the concept of “casting couch” to her. Actually, I made that part up, but she definitely has something.

Figuring I needed to pace myself, I went with only half a bag of popcorn, and a large Cherry Coke (no ice). I also ate Chocolate Lucky Charms. I don’t know why I mention this, but I feel you need to know these things.

***

Nobel showed up before the second film. He’s a generally nice guy, with some real whacko theories. For example, Nobel has this bizarre take on Vegetarianism where he will only eat something he could kill. Therefore he’ll eat shrimp but not steak.

His stance also had something to do with water consumption. He had all these “facts,” like how it supposedly takes 2500 gallons of water to prepare a steak. My problem with these kinds of arguments is two-fold: one, not to doubt Nobel’s sources, but it sounds suspiciously like one of those “facts” spouted by an advocate for Vegetarianism, which is taken from all sorts of voodoo math. Secondly even if it were true, the number is completely without context. How much water does it take to grow a peach and bring it to market? Is it similar? Is the water including how much the entire cow drinks? Is the water completely useless afterwards, ‘cuz, correct me if I’m wrong, but the total amount of water is not decreasing on Earth, so doesn’t it eventually go back into circulation. These are just examples. You see what I mean.

Actually, I just can’t let this go (although the rest of this argument has nothing to do with Nobel; it’s just been bugging me for a long time.) Some Vegetarians do their thing for private personal reasons, and you know what, whatever. It's their life, and as long as they get enough protein so I Hyperion doesn't have to carry them when they collapse (you laugh: but this has happened), it matters not to me.

But then there are those other Veggidiots, who claim their cause is a moral imperative, as if they were ending world hunger or stopping child abuse. These people drive me up no end of walls. Let's say for the sake of argument that killing animals was wrong. Wouldn't that mean that the millions upon millions of animals killed in what threshers and other vegetable-procuring devices were on the Veggies' heads? And as for adding "quote-unquote" environmental issues to the argument, are not cattle considered one of the primary destroyers of the environment. Are we supposed to kill all the cows (but not cruelly), and then not eat them?

I'm sorry, but every vegetarian needs to get his or her ass kicked on a daily basis.

Now, see, I got all riled up, and you probably think it's because of Nobel, which is totally inaccurate. (I am steamed, but it is because the local Papa John's caused me no end of problems, then I got an email last night that made me want to put my head through a plate glass window. But I digress.)

In truth, Nobel was awesome to have around. He may have had whacko theories, but he was a good sport as we continually razzed him about it. For example, every time I would offer him a dried blueberry or chocolate lucky charm I would say something clever like, "Now, you're okay killing a leprechaun, right?"

nother great personality tic about Nobel is that he used to be a film student, and sometimes his criticism of movies reflects that. Not to say his points are not valid or he's not entitled to his own opinion, but at times I think he's a victim of knowing too much of the technique or having too many comparison examples. Then again, this criticism is leveled at me fairly often, so when I pick on Nobel, maybe it's really just self-loathing.

***

The next film up was THE QUEEN. I had already seen. I wrote my review over a month ago,which you can read should you so desire by clicking here.

I really only have a few things to add:

1. The movie held up very well, especially the humor. I thought repeated viewings would show marked diminishing returns, but I believe I would even watch that for a third time.

2. I'm glad Helen Mirren won, but part of me wishes it could have been for something that showed her range more. She was indeed remarkable in restraint as Queen Elizabeth, but this woman can do it all. (More on Helen in a mo)

3. Michael Sheen should have been nominated as Tony Blair. No two ways about it. Is there any chance he's Martin Sheen's bastard, 'cuz I've never seen Charlie Sheen or Emilio Estevez turn in anything like this. (Exception: Emilio threatening to tape Judd Nelson's butt-cheeks together. That's untoppable in my opinion.)

. Even now, ten years after her death, if nude photos of Diana surfaced, how much do you think they would go for? I say at least$25 million, and it would be that publication's biggest seller of all time.

Speaking of which, I think we have to take time to list whose nude pix would be the most sought after. A few years ago this was an easy discussion. Britney was #1 with a bullet, followed far down the list by the Bush Twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley, and possibly Lindsay Lohan.

Now that Briney has successfully completed her career suicide she falls way down the list (with the only real interest to see just how much she shaves), and at this point no one cares about the Olsen Twins (heck: if they were backlit you might see through them), and Lindsay had her shot and blew it. The Bush twins might have interest, but more for embarrassing their father than any public demand.

After spending a ridiculous amount of time thinking about it, I have decided to make an actual Top Ten List. Send your votes to hyperionexiled@gmail.com and put "Top Ten UnClad" in the title. Ladies, we all know you secretly want to see famous women naked, if only to judge their flaws, so feel free to chime in on this.

Crap, I totally forgot to mention the trivia that happened before THE QUEEN. The guy reading them claimed they were so tough, but the first few were so ridiculously easy I deigned to answer.

Then he screwed one up. The guy said, "Who has received the most Best Actor nominations." A moment later he added "This could be Best Supporting Actor too." Just about everyone jumped up to guess "Jack Nicholson," but the dude said it was Walt Disney.

Right here I knew this guy was an idiot. Walt might have appeared in a few of his documentaries, but he never received any Acting nominations. He did, however, receive the most nominations period. This I know.

A couple other questions that were actually pretty good: What man won Best Actor for the least amount of time on screen? (Anthony Hopkins in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, only sixteen minutes on screen.) What woman won Best Supporting Actress for the least amount of time on screen? (Judi Dench, in what was widely considered a make-up Oscar for the ridiculous Helen Hunt victory of the year before, for SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE, only six minutes on screen.)

Then the real tough question came, right before the movie started: What three films won the most Oscars. I knew but declined to answer, until several people got it wrong. Finally I stepped in and gave not only the films but the years:

For 2003 - RETURN OF THE KING

For 1997 - TITANIC

For 1959 - BEN HUR

he audience clapped and I basked in the glow of stardom. There had been some pretty great prizes so I was expecting that this, the hardest question, would be duly rewarded. However, it turned out the geniuses of AMC Stonecrest were handing out the prizes in a top-down format, which meant I for my studliness I received....

The novelization of DREAMGIRLS.

I am not making that up.

***

Carlos showed up before the third movie to watch it with us. I found out later that you could only attend by buying a ticket to the entire event, which meant the Loster had to "okie-doke" and buy a ticket to another movie and then sneak in. Good times.

While we were waiting for the movie to start we filled Carlos in on what we'd seen so far. When the subject of Helen Mirren came up, somehow we got on to how she's often naked in her films, and how that's a good thing.

(For once it wasn't a T&A discussion, for Helen has never been considered gorgeous. But somehow a woman who is more normal looking and has flaws willing to put it out there makes her more sexy. Jullianne Moore has the same philosophy, often going naked in her films, even when just doing voice-over for Disney. She explained once in an interview that when you are naked on screen you are at your most vulnerable, and that's when true acting takes place. Amen, Sister! Would that more young actresses understood this.)

Anyway, Carlos mentioned that Helen Mirren was the first naked woman he'd ever seen on screen (in 1981's EXCALIBUR). As Carlos put it, "A boy never forgets his first titties!"

This prompted us to think back, to reminisce. Nobel claimed his parents watched a lot of hard-core porn growing up, so his exposure, so to speak, came early. (He was kidding. I think.) Koz dithered about, never actually answering the question (which is so like him).

As for me, the first time in a theatre I thought I'd seen breasteses was COCKTAIL. In reality I just got some good side-boobage, but I was in love with Elisabeth Shue from then on. (Not just for that, you pervs, but for well, her acting, her everything.)

The first time I saw actual titties in a movie was I believe DIE HARD, although I can find no reference to it on the net, so maybe I imagined it. Regardless, it wasn't on the big screen.

The Big Screen experience I remember well. That's because I snuck into the R rated film with Ryan Adrian, which was a big deal for a 14 year old. We were so blown away by the movie that we decided on the spot to see it again. Trouble was, we had no money. So, Ryan left his billfold in the theatre, and which was supposed to get him in. Meanwhile I stood at the glass exit doors, waiting for Ryan to let me in. Only, he never came. It was excruciating. Finally someone leaving the theatre let me in, and back I went for a repeat viewing of

TOTAL RECALL

Yes, friends, my first time on the Big Screen was not just a two-fer, but a three-fer. You remember the scene, in the bar, right? The cab driver says something like, "Man, you make me wish I had three hands!"

Since then Lycia has:

Other career highlights for Miss Lycia (as I steadfastly prefer to think of her as unmarried):

I'm not sure why, but I feel you need to know these things. And Lycia if you're out there reading, you stole a young boy's heart.

Three times.