The Hyperion Chronicles

Five things of which I’m relatively certain (TV Version):




KILLING FEZ WOULDN’T HAVE HURT EITHER
That ‘70s Show would have been 18% funnier if they’d dropped the stupid psychedelic interludes between scenes. Never once was this funny, and any “cool” reference to drugs or whatnot was lost after the first or second time. Having Chong on the show itself more than makes a cool drug reference, and if that wasn’t enough they had the groundbreaking pot smoking scenes. Why add those stupid interludes?



COMPARITIVELY, LOST IS A DOCUMENTARY
CSI might be the most far-fetched show on Television. Techies do not solve crimes. They do not question suspects and run down leads. Detectives do all that. Techies process the scene and get made fun of by other cops. And nowhere in any police department (let alone the geeky section of it), are three women as hot as Sofia, Catherine and even Sara. Hot women do not become police officers. Hot women use police officers to get out of tickets and other perks. (I know this because Kaida is infamous for doing this very same thing.)



NO MORE JIGGLING IN THE EMPIRE
There will be no Star Wars Episode VII (The Fallen Knight). I know this not because George Lucas has said so, but because I’ve been watching FOX’s On The Lot, a reality show picking a new director. The main “judge” is Carrie Fisher, and it’s a sad situation.

Not only has the Princess lived some hard years, but she’s just not that bright. The woman seems amiable enough; actually, just happy to be there, but clearly not someone who can summon her inner Leia as an adult for part VII, where, by the way, Leia, Han (and their two kids) were going to rescue Luke, who had fallen to the dark side. I would have looked forward to that. Sigh.




SUPPOSEDLY THERE’S NEWS, TOO
Headline News is responsible for just some ridiculously hot women, at least comparatively in the “journalism” field. (And I use finger-quotes because let’s face it: most of the TV anchors basically just read.) But even then, Headline News goes above and beyond the call. Even the men are good looking, but if you want to see them, write your own damn column.

I first came across this phenomenon several years ago when Headline News became famous for having Rudi Bakhtiar in the overnight slot. I used to play this game where I’d scan the cable channels late at night looking for the hottest woman, and once I found her I’d try again to see if she could be topped, and so on. I can’t tell you how many late night/early mornings ended with Rudi on top.

One is Adrianna Costa, who I believe just left the show (where she was an “Entertainment” reporter) to host that On the Lot I was telling you about.

The other is Virginia Cha, and again, I cannot emphasize enough how this still does not begin to do her justice. My dad thinks she’s the best on Headline News, and he may be right.

Interesting “facts” I picked up while looking into this: Adrianna Costa’s real last name is Heber, which she supposedly changed because it was too Jewish. This is controversial because I guess “journalists” don’t generally have stage names. (I don’t see why they shouldn’t, as they have to meet many of the same beauty standards as actors.)

Secondly, Virginia Cha was once runner up for Miss America. I knew it!

TIME TO MELT SOME BUTTER
Paula Deen has led an, uh, er, active life. Since I may never write about Mother’s Day weekend I want to go ahead and tell you this story. I got into an argument with my mom about how many men Paula Deen had been with in her life. Bear in mind: I wasn’t judging her or in any way putting her down, but I just felt that Paula was a woman who…enjoys the tar out of life. She also seems to me to be one of those Southern Belles who’s lived a hard few years. Again: not judging.

My mother is completely in love with Paula Deen and so automatically assumes it couldn’t be more than 2 (her first husband and her new husband).

So for Mother’s Day weekend we’re up at my Aunt and Uncle’s house, both of whom are enormous fans of Paula Deen. My mom and my aunt start jabbering on and on about how awesome Paula is, and I realize this is a perfect time to ask my question. My mother is again angry, but my aunt and uncle are worldlier and actually consider the question. My mom holds to 2, while my aunt allows something in the 6-8 range.

Finally my uncle, a New York Italian (if you know what I mean), who’s seen a few tough years himself weighs in. You have to understand: my uncle works at a racetrack in Kentucky, and has been around horses all of his life. (You’ll understand why I mention this in a minute.) So my uncle leans down and says to me. “I sure love that Paula Deen, but I gotta say: she looks like a woman who’s been ridden hard and put away wet.”