The Hyperion Chronicles

The Hyperion Chronicles
"Please do not offer my god a peanut"

#455 Are YOU a god? ("small g")

The First Commandment makes it crystal clear: "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me." However, you must admit: there is no mention of behind Him.

It is through this loophole we proudly saunter. Long-time readers of this column know I am a big proponent of respecting (not worshiping, mind you, but a healthy respect) for all the gods and goddesses out there. Surprisingly (or perhaps not surprisingly, as who could know the mind of a god?), I find many of these minor deities, or at least their physical avatars, in dollar stores. (And in case you were worried, I never buy any figurine-god that has been engraved, thus keeping Commandment #2.) Actually, the dollar store is a great place to hide. I do not know if you have noticed, but it is rough out there!

Now, I must take a moment to concede that there are many of you out there who find my veneration of these "small g" gods blasphemous. However, among this cadre of anal-retentive monotheists there exists not a single ass I cannot kick (and then some), so I hereby declare this concessionary moment over, and we shall move on to matters that do not concern losers with nothing better to do than ruin others' good times.

Over the years, I have spoken at length about various gods. Many recall my writing about Brajj, the god of Denny's, with whom I wrote some of my best columns. Anyone who ever came by Denny's saw that little alligator just fishing away. (For that matter, most anyone who has ever spent any time with me received a god from my collection, as I believe in sharing the wealth on these things.)

Of course, not all gods are good. For example, there was TAF, the evil pig god. One scary ungulate. And who can forget the Magic Pygmy Rabbits (who technically are not gods, but they do rule the universe, which counts for something).

But enough of these deities for a moment. What has been crossing back and forth in my mind lately is how many of you, the faithful Hyperion Nation, might actually be gods disguised as humans. In fact, I find it quite likely that some of you could be gods and not even know it! (After all, it is not as if they teach self-god-diagnosis in school. Stupid broken Edumacation system….)

This is why I have devised a handy-dandy test to determine if you are, in fact, a god. Below are seven questions. (Why seven? It is a godly number, of course Frankly, if you had to ask, you're not off to a good start.) Take the quiz, writing your answers down on a piece of paper. At the bottom, it tells you how to score your answers so that you may determine if in fact you are a god. Good luck, and let me know how it turns out!

Are YOU a god?

Question #1 - You oversleep and realize you have forgotten to complete that big report for Work/School/Church/Brothel. Do you:

A) Fly around the world fast enough to reverse the Earth's spin, causing the Earth to go back in time until last night so you can finish your report.

B) Cause your Boss/Teacher/Pastor/Madam's car to wreck on the way to work, thereby removing the need for your report to be completed.

C) Stoically take whatever happens; after all, there will always be some who turn from you when they do not get what they want.

D) Call in sick and spend the day watching Soap Operas and The Price is Right.

Question #2 – Mrs. Friedman's cat "Muffy" is stuck in a really tall tree. Do you:

A) Climb the tree like an acrobatic monkey and save Muffy

B) Use your language powers to "communicate" with Muffy and talk her down.

C) Strike the tree with lightning, hoping to catch Muffy when the tree fells

D) Nothing, as Mrs. Friedman's last name is suspicious, as "those people" are known to go back to worshiping golden calves the moment your back is turned.

Question #3 – Your girlfriend has just found a pair of panties in your bedroom, they are not hers, and they are smaller than she wears. Do you:

A) Blame Loki, the Trickster, for trying to cause trouble and break you up, but express confidence that she is way too secure in her hotness to fall for something like that.

B) Claim that you bought the panties for her as a "romantic surprise," and that you thought she wore that size because she has such a great body.

C) Claim you wore the panties yourself, as an attempt to understand women and become an even more ardent feminist than you are now.

D) Take her passionately on the credenza, causing her to forget her own name, let alone panty-gate.

Question #4 – Los Angeles is under threat of Nuclear attack from (surprisingly) Portuguese Terrorists. Do you:

A) Heroically go without bathroom breaks, food, drink, or even a moment's rest in your non-stop 24-hour quest to do what is needed to save Los Angeles.

B) Vow to write the bad guys a "strongly worded letter."

C) Work behind the scenes to promote a dialogue, and as a last step possibly impose sanctions on the Portuguese, or at least threaten to expose their language as "Drunken Spanish."

D) Kick back and relax with a tasty beverage. After all: it is only L.A.

Question #5 – A group of drunken co-eds show up at your apartment on a "Scavenger Hunt" wherein they need a monkey's paw, the head of Colonel Montoya, and a single rose, floating in perfume, served in a man's hat. Do you:

A) Give them the head and the hat, but keep the paw to yourself. (You never know when those things will come in handy.)

B) Vow to help the girls search, and act as a chaperone/bodyguard from ne'er-do-wells out there who would seek to profit from the situation.

C) Not only give them nothing, but also trick them out of the items they have already collected: six mercury dimes with Henry Clay's face on them, a feather from a gryphon and that statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to be.

D) "That's what I love about them mortal girls: they keep getting younger; I stay the same age (because I'm immortal)."

Question #6 – You have created your own small world (let us say in your clothes hamper), complete with self-contained ecosystem and (relatively) intelligent life. Yet these miniature people (which you have named Sephirothians, after your favorite muppet) seem to have no clear idea as to your existence. Do you:

A) Show them once and for all that you do exist, perhaps with a flashlight or air freshener, thereby giving the Sephirothians hope and a reason to live.

B) Punish them for their unbelief by kicking the hamper and tossing in four-days-worn underwear, thereby causing earthquakes and devastation of an untold nature.

C) Hold off on any overt action, knowing that too much intervention makes the Sephirothians dependent (while not enough makes them lose heart), and knowing that if you are doing your job as a god the people will be unsure you've done anything at all.

D) Three words: Spin Cycle; Bleach.

Question #7 – Your followers have called on you to smite their enemies, praying to you day and night. You do not have anything particular against their enemies (in this case, the cast of "Heroes"), finding the show to be quite likable and the people charming and talented, but you also do not want the other gods talking about you at the Ambrosia Cooler. Do you:

A) Schedule a show opposite "Heroes" featuring a detective rock-troll and a wisecracking river midget who go around the country solving crimes, thereby ensuring Heroes' quick cancellation and demise.

B) Hint to your followers that you might be more willing to act if some virgin sacrifices were made, if they know what you mean.

C) Completely ignore your followers, knowing that soon enough they will be on to other enemies, like HMOs and generic Advil.

D) Hide from the situation in a fort you have made out of pillows and old pizza boxes.

Scoring

Question #1
A) 7 points
B) 3 points
C) 1 point
D) 0 points

Question #2
A) 1
B) 3
C) 5
D) 5

Question #3
A) 7
B) 3
C) 0
D) 7

Question #4
A) 7
B) 0
C) -3
D) 9

Question #5
A) 4
B) 2
C) 4
D) 10

Question #6
A) 7
B) 4
C) 7
D) 0

Question #7
A) 7
B) 3
C) 1
D) -5

To find out how your score corresponds to your god-ness, click on the Comments.