With all my recent posts on what to get me for Hyperion Day, I did want to take some time to acknowledge what I actually got! Kaida sent me a gift box that makes whatever your girlfriend gave you look sick in comparison. That's right: wallow in jealousy!
In fact, she gave me so much stuff that I had to break it into two days. Today I'm just looking at the food:
I've never had one of these things before, so I am way excited. The golden ones are hazelnut, the white ones are meringue, and the ones in the middle are I think Cherry. My mother tried to open the package at least 4 times in ten minutes, so I'm guessing they are good. 
For the life of me, I cannot find pictures of turnover cookies (these are linzers or something), but these look kind of close. I got two packages of Voortman cookies: Raspberry and Blueberry Turnovers. They are incredible. 
Where would be be without Skittles? I got two (count 'em two) bags, on Fruit & Creme and one Berry Explosion. I would show them to you, but Skittles has the most annoying website in the world. Seriously. Go there and see. It's like they spent 5 years designing the most clever thing in the world that you can't use.
I've never even heard of South African Red before, let alone had it, so I'm very excited. (By the way, my brand is Lipton, which comes with a pyramid tea bag. How cool is that?)
I couldn't find it to show you, but my box had 30 bars! Along with the Sweet & Salty line (the peanut and the almond ones), Nature Valley is totally in the hizzy these days. I'd almost rather have one of these than a candy bar. 
Oh my dear Gord were these good! They are hella-spicy, but I was so afraid my mom would eat them anyway that I finished the package in one sitting. Somehow they are a combination of potato and rice. Anyone have any info here?
A casualty of showing my family, but I don't begrudge them. These are so good and so addictive. 
I don't see how people can just eat one of these at a time. 
If there's a better food, I haven't found it. Jack Links is probably the best "national" brand, too. They have so many new flavors and styles. I cannot wait to try them all. 
Dude, trail mix rocks! Almonds and Cashews together, and it's not all peanuts and raisins like most trail mix. And the M&Ms? Genius. I wonder how long four pounds will last me?
You put a gun to my head, and this might be the single best food in the world. I could eat a two pound bag a day, and I'm not even kidding. Sadly, I didn't get that chance, as my family devoured most of my bag. Somehow the sugar isn't grainy and it stays moist and sticky. Kind of how I like my women.....Now I want to look at the non-food gifts. (Although, knowing me, I may eat them.)
Surely you remember my rhapsodic and sexually charged review of 300 in March? Well, Kaida got me the 2 disc DVD!!!! Who wants to go throw some babies off of cliffs???Next, I was REALLY surprised to get a fea[We interrupt this section to say that Kaida has declared this gift secret and has exercised her girlfriend prerogative to excise mention of it in these pages]ow to use it, but I said I'd try.
The next thing Kaida got me was a stuffed elephant. She did this for two reasons. First, I got a stuffed giraffe for Dinosaur Present Day (featuring T-Rex). I'm just now realizing that I didn't have a picture taken of Rook (the giraffe), which will probably have repercussions, but we press on. Besides causing a minor riot in my house (my mother loves all things giraffe like I love taffy; and I'm a man who loves his taffy), Rook was lonely, so he needed an elephant to keep him company.
Secondly, Kaida has been getting me elephant gods for some time. First was Tumasek, the pocket god of luck. Second was Domrey, the goddess of laptops, and third was Samara, the god of free food. I had my sister take cell phone pix the other night (so forgive the blurriness);
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Tumasek, who probably spends 80% of his time in one of my pockets bringing me luck..jpg)
Domrey, who, and I don't want to be profane here, but I'm fairly sure became the goddess of laptops because she was always traveling around with my laptop that was all gray, and she's somewhat blind, so I think she thought it was her child. Nonetheless, I'm happy to have her protection. (By the way, though you can't tell, Tumasek is about 1.7 inches long and 2.9 inches high. Domrey is more like 4.2 inches long and 5.4 inches high.)
I cannot tell you how many times Samara has hooked me up with free food. What I used to do at was to take him up to a table and ask if he could day hi. Then when everyone is oohing and ahhing at his back (which, you can't see very well, but is intricately designed), I would steal food off their table. And if think I'm kidding, you clearly don't know me.So those were my elephants. They are stately, majestic, and, I don't mind saying, a bit standoffish to the other gods. Basically, they think they are better than everyone. I'm not saying it's always a picnic, but gods have minds of their own. (See: gravity). Anyway, I was really worried they wouldn't accept a ''stuffed" elephant, but luckily after a day of sorting out, they accepted her just fine. This is Trinity:
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Trinity is a very cool elephant, sort of quiet right now, but fun. She loves swinging my her trunk and seems to get along not only with Elephant Triad but with the other gods. The elephant gods accept her because she is an elephant, and the other gods accept her because she is not a god and not pretentious. I'm almost wondering if she could bring peace to my fractious bedroom.....But Hyperion Day would not be completely without an actual god. It's name is Herakleia, after Pyrrhus's famous battle site. As you can imagine, he is the god of Pyrrhic victories. When I first saw him I thought of Shishigami, the Forrest Spirit from PRINCESS MONONOKE. There is just a peace and calm and reverence about him that I don't know how to describe.
Sadly, I do not have a camera to take his picture. (Actually, I'm not even sure that'd be cool.) However, I did find this picture on Google Images. It doesn't capture the god-like qualities of Herekleia, but it does give you some idea of how profound a creature he represents.
When I opened the red stag god I thought it couldn't be topped, but Kaida, as usual, had one more present in store.
Before I get there, you will recall a few weeks ago I humorously wrote about trying to get Kaida a gift. (The humor was not well received, prompting me to write a follow-up three days later to quell the firestorm.)
The point is, I was anxious about my gift to her, not because of competing (how could I), but just because I wanted to do something a tenth as nice for her as she does for me. This is just one gift box from one holiday (Hyperion Day, which is really celebrated the rest of the month, in case you still need to shop.) She really is a fantastic gift giver. There is no topping her, in the history of the known universe.
Anyway, these last few gifts were in a really cool gift box that looked like a very tan alligator skin. Inside that was another small gift box of same make, and inside that more red tissue paper, (There is always colorful paper, which I enjoy, along with boxes, as much as the gifts. Then again, legend has it that for my first Christmas all the relatives totally splurged to get the first grandkid all this Fisher Price stuff, and I spent the entire day playing with an orange.)
Anyway, inside that little box (which was inside the bigger box which was inside the biggest box, and how pathetic am I for trying to build suspense?) was a marble ball. But it wasn't just any ball.
It was a world. My very own world, to look at and contemplate in my own god-like ways. Kaida said I could use it when I was stressed or when I had writer's block, but you just know I will be sending down some commandments on tablets any day. If you look closely at my world you will see oceans and continents filled with mountain ranges and rivers. It really is a world.
MY WORLD!
You know, until I conquer this one.
I haven't named the world yet, so if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. But could there be a more perfect gift for a benign would-be dictatorial charming megalomaniac like myself?
No, there could not.
I have not gotten a picture of my world yet (coming soon, I promise), but I wanted you to see what I was talking about, so here is one I found online.
I hope you all have a wonderful Hyperion Day, filled with sunshine and elephants and gods and worlds and love. I know I will.
Hyperion
August 26, 2007
4:30 AM
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