The Hyperion Chronicles

It is December 31, Tribe, which means you will be celebrating tonight. The more enlightened of you will be honoring the anniversary of my birth, while other more "ungulate" readers will be ringing in the new year.

Either way you'll be partying, and that means you need good material.

Why?

'Cause parties are long, you're not that interesting, and if you have any hope of getting kissed (or more!) at the end of night, you need some Grade A stuff.

Luckily, even on this most holiest of days, I roll up my sleeves to help. I'm just that kind of future Emperor.


Below I have an eclectic collection of New Year's Trivia, Games, and Argument-Provoking Questions sure to liven up your party, and more importantly: make you seem imminently cooler than you are, which hopefully will lead to major osculation for you. (Osculation means kissing. See? We haven't even started yet and already I'm giving you pantie-dropping knowledge.)









Trivia - Catherine's Rule
Catherine the Great, without question the most powerful woman in the history of the world, had a rule for parties:

No man was to get drunk before 9:00 pm and no woman was to get drunk at any hour.

It's a great little tidbit to throw out at the beginning of the party, perhaps leading to how times have changed (or haven't). You will want to remind people that Catherine lived in the 18th Century (that's the 1700s for those of you from Charlotte), and if you're at that kind of party, you might casually mention Catherine's reputation for sexual rapaciousness. (She couldn't get enough.) If you're really bold, you might go one step further and mention the rumor that Catherine died in the throes of ecstasy copulating with a horse! If you need a great line to close out the conversation, go with, "I guess she finally had enough" or even better, "Everything was going well, 'til she went to the whip."





Game - Hot Cockles
What is a cockle? No one ever seems to know. A cockle can refer to many things (weed, mollusk, something wrinkled), but when people say "warm the cockles of your heart), they are literally talking about the ventricles, but really your innermost feelings.

Here's how you can use it to your advantage: get people to play the Hot Cockles game.

"Hot cockles" was a popular game at Christmas in medieval times. It was a game in which the other players took turns striking the blindfolded player, who had to guess the name of the person delivering each blow. "Hot cockles" was still a Christmas pastime until the Victorian era.

How great is that? We're talking human pinata! My recommendation is that you set some ground rules: slaps not hits, only a certain amount of force, and whatever you do, don't play this game AFTER the men get drunk.





Game - Couch of Power
This game seems complicated--and it can be--but it's a blast. If you suggest this and push through the objections you will be the hit of the party. The way it works is that your teams tries to control the couch.

Divide up into equal teams. (You need some way to easily distinguish who is on what team. Best way: boys vs. girls.)
Everyone writes their names on a slip of paper, and the slips are mixed up and everyone takes one (keeping the name-identity a secret).
The players sit down on the furniture, making sure that two teammates are not sitting together. (Alternating.) There needs to be four people on the couch, and otherwise their needs to be one extra seat that is left empty.

The goal is to get all four couch "positions" filled with your team. The player who goes is always to the left of the empty chair. That player calls out a name. Whoever has that "name" on the slip of paper has to move to the empty chair. Then, the position to the left of the now empty spot goes.

Do you see what I'm saying? You're going to have to think ahead and use strategy. Also, trying to remember who has what name is really hard. Take a look at these diagrams, which detail the last two moves in a winning game.




In the first one, it's A's turn. Assuming A knows what slip of paper B has, A can move B out of the spot on the couch.






That makes it C's turn, who can move one of her own players into position and victory!


Even if you screw it up, this game is tons of fun, not to mention that having four people on the couch will result in lots of forced snuggling, which is always nice.




Trivia- Ball Droppers
Things you need to know about Dick Clark: His middle name is Wagstaff. Isn't that great? I can't get over it. Also, Clark was implicated in the "Payola" scandal of the '50s (remember the movie QUIZ SHOW?), where game show contestants were given the answers ahead of time. However, Dick sold his stake in the companies involved and managed to save his reputation.

Things you need to know about Ryan Seacrest: Most people remember Seacrest's first television appearance as 90210, hosting a dating game show called Lover's Lane that I think Kelly was on. However, in 1993, when he was only 19, Seacrest hosted Radical Outdoor Challenge on ESPN. Go watch him on You Tube. Great stuff.



Questions - Deepage

This is what's going to cement your reputation as a must-have party invitee: the questions. Not every question will work with every party, so I have several to select from. As the party and the imbibing continues, the answers will get more and more enlightening.


What's the Most Important Thing You Know? - I asked this for the first time on Christmas night, to several members of my family, and I found the answers fascinating. The way people answered told me almost as much as their answers did. Don't clarify for people; let them interpret it for themselves, and you'll get better answers. As for your own answer, think about it ahead of time so you will look wise. (Then again, you also want to be memorable. My sister came up with, "Dental Health is the associated with all other types of health." Doesn't sound deep, but I'm still thinking about it.)


What's Your Favorite Unimportant Thing You Know? - A great follow-up to the seriousness of the first question. Again, let people interpret this as they will. Whether it is a piece of arcane trivia or knowing how to do a useless skill, this question will bring out the fun.





This is the last party ever; the last night on Earth. You can invite three people (living, dead, fictional or otherwise) to the party, but no friends or loved ones. Your criteria can only be that your guests will make THIS PARTY better, whether through great conversation, wild and crazy antics, or they are just so fine to look at. Who do you invite? - If you used the above Trivia, definitely put Catherine the Great on your list. I also recommend Hitler. Yes, he's evil, but he knows a lot of Showtunes, and when the end finally comes, he'll know what to do.

Cruel Variation: what if you had to kick out three people already at the party to invite your three? - Use this corollary at your own discretion, and if you do use it, do not play Hot Cockles immediately after!




What are you Best/Worst New Year's Stories? - Since New Year's always seems to fall on my birthday, I have plenty, but you're sure to hear some wild tales.




What Singer/Band (living or dead) would you get to play at your party, taking into consideration the setting? - Everyone loves Bon Jovi, but if you're in some suburban 3 bedroom you can't exactly rock out to Bad Medicine. My advice for a house-party is to pick one of the jazz greats. Pick Jelly Roll Morton or Lena Horne. If your venue is slightly bigger, eschew the cock-rock set and go for the Muppets Band. Who wouldn't want Janice and Rowlf at their party?





If you had to kiss a famous person at midnight WHO WAS NOT RELATED TO YOU AND YOU DON'T KNOW, who would you pick? - Sure to start arguments. Whatever you do, guys: don't pick Paris Hilton. Trust me on this. Pick Anne Hathaway if you want to avoid arguments with your lady. More on this another day.




If it were up to you, what book could no one get out of high school without reading? - There isn't going to be a test on the book, so the kids don't have to "study" it. You're not even trying to come up with the best book, just a book teenagers should read before they head out into the world. Kaida picked The Bible, because of it's ubiquitous use in Western Society. That's likely to be possible, but no way you can get kids to do it. Go with the Kama Sutra, so they'd at least have a chance of good college sex, or else go with Starship Troopers. Forget about the movie: you can't find a better book on what it means to be a citizen.



The Mount Rushmore Questions - This class of question asks you to pick four heads that go on the Mount Rushmore of ________. Pick a category that's going to interest your crowd. Suggestions include TV Moms, Comedians, All-time Great Actors/Actresses, All-time Hot Actors/Actresses, Movie/TV Dogs, Movie Snacks, and everybody's favorite category to argue about: candy bars. My advice is not to take sides in this one, as people will tend to have very strong feelings one way or another. By suggesting the topic you'll get cool points; no sense messing that up.




Finally, What celebrity is most likely to die in 2009? - Yes, it's macabre and more than a little undignified, but who doesn't like to imagine the grisly death of their favorite and least-favorite celebs? (No one, that's who!) Don't let anyone take Celebrities over 70 or Britney: too easy. Instead they actually have to think. Kaida picked Christian Bale, although at the hands of his in-laws or step-mother, not him. (Did you know his step-mom is Gloria Steinem? You just know she hasn't been getting what she needs (D.D.) for a long time, and is likely to snap at any minute.)


Back in January I promised myself I would quit writing for the year the first time I made a deep dicking reference, and just in time I have! Enjoy your evening, be safe and have fun, and I will see you next year!


Hyperion
December 31, 2008




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