The Hyperion Chronicles

Welcome to Hyperion's first LIVE OSCAR SIMULCAST . I will be attempting to provide a "real-time" running commentary on what I see, think, feel, taste. (Who knows?)

I will also be trying to update Twitter continuously (EmperorHyperion) if you want to follow me there. If you have funny comments, EMAIL OR INSTANT MESSAGE ME, and I will add it!

I have no idea how this will work (or if it will), but that's part of the fun!

(all times given are Eastern, if you want to adjust)

7:54 - I cannot believe my dad woke me up. I have been asleep for 3 hours, three hours in the last 48, and I could use about a hundred more. I hate everyone who ever lived.

All the best speeches so far have been foreigners.

Queen Latifah looks so good.

IT'S MY FAVORITE PART - the Departed.

Every time we know someone, we to the two fist pumps to the heart, fingers to lips

I like Queen Latifah singing it!

I WANT THE CAMERA MAN TO DIE!!!!!

THEY HAVE FREAKING RUINED THE BEST PART OF THE OSCARS WITH THEIR STUPID FREAKING CAMERA WORK. YOU DON'T FOCUS ON QUEEN LATIFAH, AND YOU DON'T CUT BACK AND FORTH TO LOOK ALL ARTY STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID

And I know they focussed on Heath Ledger last year, but no one remembrers. They should have done it again with a quit montage of him. So Stupid.

7:58 - Dad tells me Barbara Walters interviewed Mickey Rourke, and he came off more deep than most. Really? Have to catch that later. Best Actor is one of the few big categories that has any suspense. The money is leaning Sean Penn, but I am HUGELY Wishing Rourke wins, if for no other reason than to see what his speech might bring!

8:02 - Kate Winslett is wearing purple, which I so love, but I absolutely hate the one shoulder thing. It always reminds me of some episode of Fame or something.

[Okay, commercial. I'm going to take a breath for a second, pull up my IM, and pray for my death. If you want my IM to converse live, email me!]

8:12 - The entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire! I'm fairly certain they arrived in one car.

(I totally forgot to mention that when Sarah Jessica Parker showed up, the fashion guru guy takled to her, and then asked about Matthew Broderick, standing next to her. She didn't say, "This is my husband," but rather, "This is Matthew Broderick." She was just trying to fit in with the flirty tone of that Fashion moron (what's his name?), but my dad pointed out how Hollywood that was, not to say "husband," but just "Matthew Brderick."  It probably means nothing in the small term, but in the larger sense, it kind of does.)(My dad doesn't want to be quoted all night, so if anyone mentions this to him, we're going to go with Uncle Bob. Got that? Uncle Bob.)

8:15 - My sister is telling about all the food, and I have to mute Mickey Rourke! I am sad, but she worked so hard, how can I deny her the opportunity to tell us? Hopefully we get Mickey again.

8:18 - Anne Hathaway looks amazing. I had a whole section in my Oscar column that never got sense. That's a long sad story I'm sure I will be bringing up several times tonight. Anyway, she looks great.

8:23 - Meryl Streep and her daughter are twinsies! To me, Meryl is someone who ends up looking sexier than she is simply because of how great an actress she is.

8:33 - Hugh Jackman is hosting. His Australia/New Zealand joke is great (because of the cutbacks)

8:34 - "I'm doing a musical number - because that's the way I roll." Funny Jackman is actually a good singer, so I have hopes.

Milk section funny Slumdog section funny. Benajamin button part not so much, but I do like the little plastic baby.

Anne Hathaway UP ON STAGE!!!! How great is that! Even if she doesn't win tonight, she's winning in the future, if only for that high note. AND THAT'S A DIFFERENT DRESS THAN BEFORE!!!!

"Why is your upper lip so sweaty?" Great line. You all know that story (1960 debate), right?

The Reader - I LOVE how they decided not to parody the Reader since you know, Holocaust. Very clever. (The parody is that he hasn't watched it.)

Jackman's last line - a plug for Wolverine. Excellent. Just excellent. I will have to watch the song again on You Tube when I'm not under pressure to write about it. This night may go well, yet. (By the way, love the stage behind him. That blue is gorgeous. I am now complimenting background scenery.)

8:41 - Mickey ROURKE!!!!! Every time he's on screen I get a slight broner. Jackman just said the seven second delay goes to a 20 minute delay whenever Mickey is on screen.

8:43 - My mom points out Brangelina in the front row - "You can tell who's who by who gets to sit in the front row."

8:44 - First Steroid reference. I mentioned this in Friday's column that never got sent.

Oscar montage of everyone who has beaten Meryl Streep. Not sure if that's a slap or a compliment.

8:45 - 5 Presenters for the first award? A Jenny Craig meeting? What's going on? Tilda Swinton always scares the hell out of me. Whoopi Goldberg should not be able to say "Oscar Winner," but I do actually like Whoopi.

The whole drawn out salute to the five nominees seems a little much.

whoopi - "It's not easy being a nun. Your face never looks thin. You don't get to wear pants, and your love interest is always off screen." Good line.

Goldie Hawn - She is 64 years old!!!!!

The winner - Penelope Cruz. I figured as much. I am using this as an excuse to quote my friend Wordnerd, via Twitter. Earlier when she saw Penelope on the Red Carpet, Wordnerd writes , "Ugh. Penelope? Looks like Glinda the Good Witch in that dress." Hilarious.

Initially I used to get her and Selma Hayek confused. Now it's her and Paz Vega. Love her accent, though, and have always enjoyed her performances. Plus, she's naked a lot, and that's always a good thing.

8:48 - Carlos calls right after Penelope wins with "Mad Love for Hispanic Minorities!" I should have asked him what she said.

Steve Martin - "Every movie begins with a good idea for a movie poster." He is so funny. Line about alien religion (making fun of Scientology) great

It's kind of neat to highlight screenwriting by "showing" the script

IN BRUGES is one of the best movies I saw last year. I need to review it soon, but I would have loved it to get more nominations.

I'm guessing MILK, but I would love IN BRUGES or WALL-E

And it's MILK

Dustin Lance Black just mentioned Gay Marriage. I have the Gay Marriage references over/under at 4.5 tonight.

His speech is very hard-core. I am very suprised. Using the mantle of religion is going to guarantee controversy, but is kinda ballsy, too.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY - Slumdog Millionaire wins. That should seal it, I think. They are wining the big one.

Since I didn't get my pre-Oscar column up, I want to go ahead and mention something about Slumdog Millionaire.

No, wait. Animation category just came up. This is the only one where I have seen all three movies. (I have written up my reviews, but of course, haven't posted it. Why? I have no idea. I actually have a great funny story about this category. Maybe I can get that up tonight.)

9:05 - Kaida mentions via IM that Jennifer Aniston must be uncomfortable with Brad/Angelina in the front row.

2008 montage of animation is cool, though for depth, 2008 was not great for animation. I don't want to spoil my reviews, but since who knows if they will ever get written, I wills say the top two animated films are fantastic and BOLT makes me angry

not a chance in the world Wall-E doesn't win. The only question is how much of a "message" the winner will give in his speech

When he thanked his drama teacher, I was expecting a tom hanks/matt dillon moment (outing him), but it was just say thanks for getting him started.

Jennifer Aniston to Jack black - "did you watch anything this year you were not in?" Very funny. Jack black is not funny right now

You know, they ought to try harder to get the Nominated shorts on TV before the Oscars. Why can't someone make that happen?

9:10 - Kunio Kato's speech might be my favorite of the night. "Domo Arragato Mr. Roboto" CLASSIC!!!

WHAT DID SHE SAY IN SPANISH? Latin homies, can someone translate?

I was speculating on IM that I bet that speech by the screenwriter of MILK likely brought a lot of tension and controversy in a lot of homes. Kaida says, "Why? Are they lactose intolerant?

9:22 - no agreement on Sarah Jessica Parker. Some are saying her dress is awesome. Others are criticizing her hair. (Wordnerd just did both, via Twitter, but I SWEAR I am not getting all my material from her.

Makeup - How does Dark Knight not win? I haven't seen them all, but...

9:25 - Benjamin Button just won another award. is there a chance they win the big one????

9:28 - That Twilight guy is not hot. Why on Earth do women fall for him? My sister is currently pawing the air, as if wishing the TV were in 3-D (so she could pet the yummy vampire guy)

9:29 - MONTAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Romance.

9:33 - Ben Stiller is hilarious! My dad mentions that Stiller is clearly doing an impression of Joaquin Phoenix. Sorry. Uncle Bob. I am NOT a Ben Stiller fan, but this is the funniest I've ever seen him. I MUST WATCH THE LETTERMAN CLIP NOW

Here is the Video -

I'm finally watching it. Ben stiller has it down perfectly!

(Kaida says Natalie Portman is a Pink Goddess)

9:37 - The Slumdog guy wins. My mom says, "Get a hairstyle, you idiot!" My dad responds with the line of the night, so far: "It is a hairstyle. It's called 10 W-40."

I mean, Uncle Bob.

(And, we just noticed the guy is wearing tennis shoes!)

9:38 - Jessica Biel's dress is supposed to look like she's wearing a bed sheet. You know I'm right.

(Uncle Bob's take, upon hearing that: "Looks like a 300 thread count to me.")

I like these short commercial breaks, but they don't give me a chance to catch up!

Not sure if I buy the whole comedy routine from James Franco and Seth Rogen. Why are stoned people supposed to be funny? The joke is that because they are high, all the serious movies are funny. But if you didn't know that.....I don't get it.

9:50 - Live action short - Uncle Bob - "I want to thank my barber." (The guy is bald, and thanking everyone.)

WHY IS PHILLIP SEYMOUR WEARING A SKI CAP? IS HE AN EMO KID? A RAPPER?

9:54 - A second musical number? This might be too much. Eitehr that, or THE WHOLE SHOW should be a musical.

Actually, I take it back. This tribute to Musicals is very well done. I think if I wasn't so stressed, trying to come up with good material I would enjoy it more.

10:00 Hugh Jackman - "THE MUSICAL IS BACK!"

10:05 - The biggest lock since SCHINDLER'S LIST, Heath Ledger is an absolute LOCK. The only real suspense is, who will accept for him?

(NOW, the big deal about the Best Supporting Actress makes sense. They were setting up the big tribute to Heath.)

ON HEATH LEDGER - I've been saying this for months, but since I have not actually written my DARK KNIGHT review, let me say this: I think it is not an exaggeration to say that the Joker role was the proximate cause of Heath's death. Whether the darkness Heath found himself in (from the character he created) overcame him and caused him to kill himself, or he was so plagued with demons, unable to sleep, and got caught in a spiral that led to an accidental overdose of sleeping pills, the result is the same.

Heath Ledger was a method actor, and he gave himself over to becoming the Joker like almost no character we have ever seen. It was an amazing performance, and let's be honest: made all the more poignant by the fact that it killed him.

Talking about MAN ON WIRE, and how amazing it is. My mom asked, "Who was in that movie?" Uncle Bob quips, "Guy Wire."

I followed up with "And his brother, Live Wire."

I SO DON'T GET THE BILL MAHER THING. JUST SHUT THE HELL UP

My mom is going on and on about the poor gentlemen with the dental issues. Uncle Bob calls him "Wolfman Wang."

10:18 - Dude, did he just do a magic trick???? And then balanced the Oscar on his chin? AND THEN HAD THE OSCAR STATUE BOW???

I so love that guy. (Phillipe Petit, the actual artist who did the hire-wire act on MAN ON WIRE. Can I just say, WATCH THAT MOVIE!)

10:20 - The Documentary short girl mentions Cleft Palate. This gives me the opportunity to tell the greatest joke of all time!

Gentleman loses an eye, can't afford a glass eye so he gets one made of wood.

Goes to dance, but is very self-conscious of his wooden eye. Finally he spies a girl that hasn't danced all night - a clef palate sitting in the corner. He timidly walks up and asks, "Would you like to dance?". She smiles and replies, "Would I?"

He snaps back, "Hairlip! Hairlip! Hairlip!!!..."

Kaida, via Twitter - "Bill Maher and Jack Black are two bitter men. Wonder who else is going to take digs at their not being nominated."

10:29 - DARK KNIGHT was supposed to win every technical award. So far Benjamin Button has been winning them all. Slumdog Millionaire is still the front-runner, but at this point, there is a chance it pulls an upset.

10:31 - Will Smith just made a "Boom Goes the Dynamite" reference!!! I am so happy right now.

10:35 - I love hearing any Indian talk. I think he just mentioned the Japanese concept of "Om." I wrote about that somewhere.

Here it is - http://hyperionchronicles.blogspot.com/2003/07/135-sound-of-no-hands-clapping-and.html

Since I may not get the chance again, let me tell you a thought my friend Ajax had about Slumdog Millionaire's popularity.

Ajax pointed out that at the same time Slumdog Millionaire came out, the Mumbia attacks happened. Because of the sympathy and sympatico (9/11), Americans were more open to an Indian film than ever before. Add in a great film, and a feel good one, and there you go.

Slumdog just won again. I am no longer thinking there is controversy.

10:41 - Jerry Lewis is about to make a speech. I am so excited!

Jerry Lewis was so classy. I can't even be disappointed. It's sad to see him in such obvious pain.

10:55 - I don't even recognize Alicia Keys with those ridiculous eyelashes.

Zach Efron - "If the score is the story of a movie, the song is its punctuation." That makes no sense. Why do women like him again?

The guy doing the Wall-E song sounds terrible to me, but my mom and sister seem to love it.

My mom wonders if one of the Slumdog Millionaire songs win, will it be the first time a foreign language song has won. There has to be one before, yes?

Just looked it up - "Al otro lado del río (On the Other Side of the River)" — The Motorcycle Diaries • Music and lyrics: Jorge Drexler (2004; Award given in 2005)

My mom says she prefers Little Mermaid.

[TECHNICAL GLITCH. I HAD A WHOLE SECTION HERE THAT GOT ACCIDENTALLY ERASED. I AM PUTTING MY TWITTER RESPONSE IN, BUT IT'S ONLY A STOP-GAP. I SUCK]
THEY HAVE F**ING RUINED THE BEST PART OF THE OSCARS WITH THE SUPID F*&ING CAMERA WORK. i AM SO SO ANGRY

If the president of the Academy Sid is responsible for that reprehensible camera work, he should step down.

Queen Latifah- LOVED HER. And I LOVED LOVED LOVED her singing, rather than just pure score.

And the different screens were cool - IF USED FOR SOME OTHER AWARD.

But when it comes to the poor departed stars we love (and the ones we don't know very well) THEY DESERVE THEIR MOMENT!!!! How arrogant and "about me" is it to showcase your "direction" so obviously by moving the camera around.

Trying to win an Emmy, I guess. Hey, buddy. Your job is to let us see what we came for.

I am just furious.

and not for nothing, but they should have done heath Ledger again. I know they did him last year, but most people don't remember, and are now going HUH?

I can't even get excited about Danny Boyles doing his Tigger entrance to the podium. I need to calm down.

My family is pretty high on the Five former Winners to introduce the Actors. I guess it's a good thing, but I'm still so bitter about the camera work I can't be objective.

Just had a conspiracy theory, though. I want to be the first to get that out there. Normally the director is second to last. But now the two main acting awards are second-to-last. Add to that the whole 5 person presentation thing (ought to be able to connect that to a subway parody, yes?), and you can reach only one conclusion:

The actors' guild is currently deciding whether or not to strike. I think these measures are meant to flatter the actors and make them happy, so they will be less likely to strike.

Kate Winslett wins. Good for her. Haven't seen the movie, but she's always great.

I'm having a fight with Kaida on what color the dress is. She says it's Silver, BUT IT'S PURPLE!!!!!!

3:06 AM - In what can only be described as the coup de grâce for my Shit Bowl of a weekend (or so I thought), my computer lost the internet (and then everything else) 20 minutes before the Oscars were over. I was (pleasantly) surprised to learn a good number of you were following "live," especially with all the advance promotion I didn't do. To you, my apologies.

My goal is to track down (if possible) the last few things I wrote. If I cannot track the words down, I will try to recollect, but I will make it clear whether th e thoughts were written contemporaneously or in retrospect (i.e., now).

I may also--for catharsis' sake, if nothing else--try to get an explanation up on my blog for everything that has gone wrong the last 72 hours.

And, for sheer Ironic Perversity, I have a massive column called "How to Make Your Oscar Party a Success" that was (obviously) never published. Might as well make the weekend complete and post that as well.

If you were following "live," and you're actually reading this at 3:30 in the morning, anything I was/am going to add will be up by 9:00 (eastern). I know that's several hours, but having missed my "live" window, at this point, what's the rush?

Hyperion

TO BE CONTINUED.........