The Hyperion Chronicles

So, I don't follow Lent, but I do follow Lentils, which happens roughly at the same time.

(It's not a coincidence. The Church ripped off Lentils to form Lent, the same way various Christmas and Easter traditions were once assimilated.)

In previous years I have given up ice cream, potato chips, beef jerky, Swearing and last year I even gave up mockery.

I KNOW!!!!

This year I decided to "up the ante," as those who say that might say. I am giving up not one, not two, but 7 things for Lentils. Will I keep the faith? Will it kill me? Only time will tell.

Here are my 7 things, so that I may stay accountable.

1. Chips - I should not be eating them, but they are so good! Lately I have been obsessed with baked chips and especially Kettle chips. What makes it even harder is that there happen to be many chips in the house right now- and three bags of them are mine! However, the open bags will be eaten by others (I hope I hope), and my bags will be put away somewhere; they will keep.

2. Sugar Soda - This one will be especially tough, because I love grape soda and Peach Ne-hi and Ginger Ale and Cranberry anything, and I think this means I can't haveslushes. (Will have to consult a Lentils Fryer to be sure.) Even more horrific - THIS MEANS NO GRAITCH. Until Easter. Hmmmm.

3. Fast Food - This one might be dang near impossible, but I'm nothing if not the bravest person who ever lived. What sucks is that we have a newArby's close by, and I have these amazing Burger Kings coupons that are buy one get one free. (BOGOF makes any fast food place taste better.) And Sonic just came out with a new value meal.....ARGH!! I had to get a ruling on Chick-Fil-A. My brother Achmed said it would only be non-fast food if I went to one of their Dwarf Houses (sit-down restaurant) and was served instead of using the counter. BUT THERE ARE NOT ANY DWARF HOUSES NEARBY!

Why do I make these stupid decisions?

4. Beef Jerky - When I gave up beef jerky in a previous year it was slightly disingenuous, since I had none at the time and not much prospect for that changing. (Although: had a truckload of beef jerky shown up, I would have have eaten it.) This time it will be much harder, as I have some of the best beef jerky in the world just a few feet from me! What are the odds I don't crack? Only the power of Lentils can save me!

5. Re-Runs on TV. Lately I have been finding comfort in some old favorites, like The Simpsons, Family Guy, Law & Order, The West Wing, Monk, House, MASH, Seinfeld, Scrubs, and even 30 Minute Meals. I'm a fan of TV, but I should allot my precious viewing habits to new stuff, not old. (One exception. I am going to watch several Easter movies this year and provide a running diary for your amusement.)

6. Computer Games, including (gulp) Jigsaw Puzzles. Giving up the Cheesy Double Beef Burrito at Taco Bell (only 89 cents!) is awful. Giving up my daily jigsaw puzzle might actually kill me. It's not that I'm wasting time; I do the puzzles while I'm listening topodcasts , which are partly research for my own upcoming show, and partly because I enjoy some of them. You can't really write while listening to a podcast, but I will just have to find SOMETHING to do instead.

7. Pain Medicine - This one may actually get superseded, if I ever get into a Pain Management Clinic. (Currently what happens is that I get accepted, and then they cancel me right before my first appointment, thus crushing my hopes and dreams of living a pain free reduced-pain existence.) What I'm talking about is mostly over the counter stuff, like Ibuprofen, which I have been taking every four hours since 1995 or so. Well, it seems that way. I'm not even sure if it's helping, but I would rather have the true picture of what's going on with my body, and attempt to come at it another direction. (Ditto on theVicodin . I cannot figure out why House takes that. It was prescribed to me for the first time in my life a few weeks ago, and it does NOTHING for my ankles. It will help my back a bit, but I would have to take 5 of them to get that effect, and I'm sure there is a downside to that, so no thank you.) (And no, I will not send you the rest of the bottle. My body has always fought medicine like a cornered badger, but from all accounts it will mess up you regular folk.

Those 7 things are my Pledge for Lentils. Why don't you join me? I don't expect you to give up 7 things, but Lentils can be a very positive experience. Leave a comment with what you are giving up, or send me an email, and I will help keep you encouraged!

Hyperion

2/25/09