The Hyperion Chronicles

At some point at least one of you is going to realize that I’ve been dragging out this Movie Marathon thing not because I’m a self-involved narcissist (well, not just because of that), but to give you an idea of what that weekend was actually like to live through.

Anyway, First we had the Oscar Diary (which actually occurred halfway through the weekend),

Then We had Part 1, which got us to Saturday morning itself

Then we had Part 2, which got us from Saturday Morning to, uh, later Saturday morning

Then we had Part 3, which actually got us into the movies, and we even got through two of them! (Major high-fives to imaginary friends.)

Now, it’s once again time for

Hyperion’s Magical Melodic Mickelodeon Menagerian Mississippian Metastasizing Metaphysical Mercurial Mongolian Mongeesian Middle-Earthian Mummified Mammogramic Middle-fingering Memory Making Movie Marathon Meekend

When last we left Carlos had just shown up, and it was just before the showing of THE DEPARTED. This meant it was time for Trivia again. After last time's crappy-ass gift, I knew I needed to answer the first question no matter what. Luckily it was a doozy:

What three films have won all top 5 Oscars (considered Best Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, and Screenplay, either Adapted or Original; whichever applies). Without cheating I want you to think about it for a minute, and I will have the answer in a bit.

I already reviewed THE DEPARTED last September, when I was on the lam in Canada and in that small podunk town. You can read that review here. I stand by it, with the following additions:

1. Coming off the heels of GANGS OF NEW YORK and THE AVIATOR, Martin Scorsese has completed a truly stunning trifecta. Perhaps he lost his way in the latter half of the '90s, but has anyone rejuvenated himself in such a manner? Heck: it's harder to find a better three movie stretch for any director.

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Okay, back to the trivia. The three movies are:

1934 - IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

1975 - ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST

1991 - SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

'75 and '91 are real oddities, because of the other peculiar nominees (like an animated movie in '91, which deserved it, but would never EVER win), some make up calls (like for CHINATOWN the year before which got run over by GODFATHER 2 in '74), and some other strange events.

But friends, IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT is one of the best movies ever made. Single handily setting the standard for Romantic Comedies, Screwball Comedies and Road Movies, IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT is Clark Gable at his truly dashingest, Claudette Colbert at her most seductive (she has the darkest nipples in the universe, which continually peak through her white outfits; how they got away with this I'll never know), and perhaps coolest of all: this movie ruined an entire garment industry by itself!

There's a scene where Gable is taking off his clothes, and apparently he kept messing up each take because of the undershirt. Finally he just took it off and didn't use it in the scene. Gable was such "the man" then, as no one is today, that sales of men's undershirts plummeted for decades. Heck: the undershirt industry tried to sue the movie studio!

For my stellar answer I got this cool FREEDOM WRITERS bag, which looks like it's been written all over the outside by the students. Inside is a Freedom Writers' journal, a blank marble pad, and Freedom Writers pencils.

I gave this to my mom, since the actual marathon took place on my mom's birthday, and my mom wants to be a writer. Since then she has not even moved the bag from the wall, so I may reclaim it and regift it to my aunt, a teacher in an inner city school, who thinks FREEDOM WRITERS should win every award NEXT Oscars.

Carlos was a lot of fun to watch the movie with, although he was disappointed whenever something detrimental happened to a bad guy. (Carlos is the guy who cheered for Telly in KIDS.) Since Carlos had to leave right after (actually, he had to okie-doke just to sneak in the theatre, since the only way you were supposed to get in was our "special" passes), I have a random Carlos story:

I remember one time when Carlos was all excited about this project he was working on. When I went to his house he proudly showed me his bathroom. Already installed was a TV, which I can't decide whether 'tis a good idea or not. (But if you spend as much time there as he does, but I guess so.)

But the big surprise was the adjustable TV tray the Loster was trying to build into the wall. As he put it,

Ladies and gentlemen, Carlos.

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Next up was LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA. I wrote my review last week, which you are more than welcome to read here.

Basically I concluded it sucked, and was actually outraged that so many people liked the movie. I'll tell you one thing: those people were not in the theatre. Koz, Nobel and I all hated the film, and I couldn't find one other person in the theatre who disagreed.

Now, honesty compels me to admit I was sick for a time during the film, but I did stick it out for 90 minutes before briefly succumbing. Believe me: I was the lucky one.

As for the trip to the bathroom, I am not one to give personal details of that business, but I will say that I absolutely hate to use movie theatre bathrooms for more than draining the lizard. (Note: I used to say "draining the dragon," but I had to change that term last year so there would be no Monkey Barn misunderstandings.)

I have only been forced to use Movie Theatre bathrooms twice, and both affairs were horrid.

Everything I had to say about the film is in my review, but I did want to add one thing:

In that review I spend considerable time crucifying Clint Eastwood for using white subtitles, which often makes it impossible to read the words over white surf, white sand, white sky and so on. Basically Eastwood chose aesthetics over utility, which, if you think about it, is what men often do when choosing women.

At this point I think I could actually finish this marathon, but I'm starting to get very tired, and I don't want to short-change the truly wild finish. Besides, maybe you're better off getting it in bits and pieces. Until next time,

Hyperion