The Hyperion Chronicles

"We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs."
~Will Rogers

The 2008 Election season is hitting its stride, and I have the same opinion I did six months ago, one year ago, four years ago and eight: ye gods, we can do better.

America is crying out for an actual leader, and for awhile I thought there just might be enough magic for America to believe in a Maverick crippled war hero, or a white/black man from Hawaii/Illinois/Kenya/Kansas who could turn a pretty phrase. Now? I look at this country, and I shake my head that I'm not in charge. (And I often wonder if I anymore even want to be.)

I have not decided my plans for this election cycle, but I thought you might get a kick revisiting my 2000 and 2008 campaigns. So, ever the next few days I am going ot re-run those columns, complete with 2008 Hyperion thoughts on just what 2000 (and 2004) Hyperion was thinking. (Hint: I often think I was crazy.) My launching column back in 2000 was pretty long, so I have split it in two parts. Enjoy seeing what I used to think. I don't know if it's a good thing or a sad one, but 2000 Hyperion makes more sense than anyone now.

The Hyperion Chronicles
“Ask not what Country Crock Spread Can do for you…..”

#8 So it comes to this

I am pissed off.

Wait. That is not the way I want to begin this. Let me try again. I am way beyond pissed off. I am enraged. I sit here one day after the third and final presidential debate, and I am filled with bottomless pools of frustration because We, as a country, cannot seem to figure out that the presidential election should not double as a Major-League Jackass contest.

(any of these guys might be better. Or at least more entertaining.)

I hate our choices. I hate the format that America uses to foist my “choices” on me. I hate the spin-doctors, an entire cottage industry whose only job is to come on TV.¹ and completely lie about whatever I just saw. Hey, folks, I just got done watching two liars lying like there were prizes involved (which, if you think about it, I guess there are); I don’t need you talking heads to insult my intelligence further by telling me what I supposed to now believe.

¹ And this was back before Cable News really knew what they were doing. If I wrote this column today I would probably be arrested for specific violent threats.

And lie they do. We all know about Gore: Clinton-like lies without the charm. Bush, however, gets a pass here. Bush lies quite a bit himself, but Gore is the Official “Liar” of this election season, so it is his lies, at least some of them, I’m bombarded with.²

² I did not mean to imply (by any stretch) that Bush does not lie. I was trying to refer to how the Media only cares about Sound-Bite descriptions, and in 2000, Gore was the Liar and Bush was the Idiot.

But Bush does not get off scot-free. Almost every night I am treated to anecdotes showing how dumb he is. Hey, no argument here. Bush is dumb. So, though, is Gore. Gore spent the last eight years saying more stupid things than the Kansas State School Board³ ever could even if they were liquored up first. But I do not hear about that, because Bush is our representative “Idiot.”

³ I didn’t look this up, but I’m almost positive I am referring to the decision they made to teach Creationism as Science.

Look, both candidates lie. Maybe they have to. Maybe they would not get where they are, and would not get where they want to go without lying. Maybe our culture, TV, or even the French are to blame (I’m not sure how to justify that last one but I always enjoy blaming the French⁴).

⁴ I still do this, although now I am just as likely to pick on Croatia. They’re evil, smell bad, and I’m sleeping with their wives.

Both candidates are also quite stupid at times. Maybe they have to be. No one who would subject themselves and their families to the media molestation on purpose can be very bright. “But what about the power?” you may ask. What about it? By the time these guys get where they are they have whored themselves to so many groups and financial backers that it is truly rare that they get to make a decision on their own. This certainly is not new.

(McKinley: great mountain, terrible president)

Way back at the end of last century Bill McKinley sure did not want to go to war with Spain until his financial Puppet-Master, Mark Hannah, wanted to. Suddenly Bill got a message from God, and the rest was, literally, history. We fought a war we did not need to⁵, against an opponent who tried their damndest to give up every step of the way, just to prove we were a “happening” country. And you thought bombing an Aspirin factory because you had to testify before the Grand Jury⁶ was bad…

⁵ The Spanish American War, in case you’re truly stupid

⁶ One of Bill Clinton’s many sins crimes included the number of “bombing” missions that coincided exactly with testimony from him (or Lewinsky).

So, what am I left with? I remember being told often enough by various teachers, coaches, and the occasional riot police chief, that, “If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” Let us allow that this is true in this case. I could spend the rest of this column ripping apart the positions our two major candidates have taken. I could point out the use of Michael Hutchins’s “Triangulation” concept⁷, where a politician tries to put him or herself halfway between where divergent opinion is on a particular issue. I could use cold math and show why very little of the campaign promises we have been given would or even could ever be done. I could point out the inconsistencies in the candidates’ positions; show how they have folded faster than Superman on laundry day⁸ anytime a belief ran into an obstacle such as money, or making Oprah mad.⁹ But any of these techniques, while they might give me some momentary satisfaction at being able to vent my anger at the impotence of our political system, will do little good.

⁷ The author I was thinking of is actually Christopher Hitchens, who may be the last honest Liberal in America. (Figures he’s a Brit.) I disagree passionately with Hitchens on many things, but he is one smart dude, and always worth reading. I was going to just correct the sentence, but I left my mistake in to point out that pre-Google, fact checking was a lot harder.

⁸ I cannot be sure, but I think this is a Seinfeld reference.

⁹ Again, I do not have time to pin this down exactly, but I seem to recall there being a flap when one candidate went on Oprah in 2000 and the other one initially did not want to or something. I do recall that both eventually went on. Bush in particularly charmed Oprah, but then again, he was always best in the one-on-ones.

(My original caption involved Anne Heche, but to avoid angry emails, let's go with, "You can see that thing from space!")

Therefore, I resolve to become part of the solution. It is as obvious to me as a Ted Danson¹⁰ toupee that neither Bush, Gore, or any Republican or Democrat for that matter, can get the things done in America that need to be done. So, I will do it.

¹⁰ Dude, especially those last few years; who was he fooling?

I, Hyperion, am announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. Rather than rip up my opponents any more, I am going to tell you what I will do to help this country along. We may be doing ok, now, but long-term We as a country are in more trouble than the Buffalo Bills at a Super Bowl¹¹ without some major changes. Over the next few nights, I am going to tell You, the American people, what I will do. Some things you may have heard before: I do not claim to have made everything up. Some of what I say may not apply to you. Stick around, I will find something you can relate to better then Alabamians at a family reunion¹². Once you see my plan I am confident you will come with me.

¹¹ The Buffalo Bills lost four straight Super Bowls in the early ‘90s. 2000 Hyperion made a lot of damn analogies, didn’t he? I’ve gotten better, right? Right???

¹² “Relate” + Alabama = Incest Joke. 2000 Hyperion had a lot of growing up to do.

“The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election”
~George Carlin

My first 7 Ideas

Issue 1: AGE

We need to decide what it means to be an adult in this country. I realize that with such a large group of people having an arbitrary age is hard to avoid.¹³ I want to go beyond that, though. Once we decide the minimum age—eighteen, twenty-one,¹⁴, or whenever—I want to add a second hurdle. So here is the addendum: To officially become an adult, at whatever age the minimum is, you have to pass a competency test. Before you can vote, before you can drink, before you run for Congress, etc., you have to show us that you are able to perform, as an adult should, that you are smart enough to handle the basics. Once you are an official adult; all of the benefits an adult gets, you get.¹⁵

¹³ From a human standpoint, arbitrary age markers are inane. After all, we mature at different rates. However, from a legislative standpoint, defining many status levels without a time-coded definition would be a nightmare.

¹⁴ One of the side-effects to living so much longer is that (at least, in western civilization), it is taking much longer to grow up. Because of this, I would lean more toward 21 as the “fully adult” limit, but there is room for debate.

¹⁵ I can hear the conspiracy wags now; talking about grandfather clauses and eugenics and the like. I still favor this measure, so I will tell you what I think now: I am not trying to punish someone for not being smart, but there is a certain level of basic intelligence that non-developmentally challenged people are more than capable of exhibiting. That so few people seem to think things through is not evidence they cannot, nor is it an excuse. Tell me our world would not be better off if we required at least some proof you are not a dumbass before handing over the keys to the kingdom.

(His campaign platform? Less homework, later bedtimes, and the elimination of cooties by 2020.)

Let us talk about holding office. Right now, you have to be twenty-five to run for Congress, thirty to run for Senate, and thirty-five to run for President. Hogwash. I can buy the argument that most twenty-one year olds should not be president. But hell, most sixty-one¹⁶ year olds should not either. I will trust the people to make the decision as rationally as possible. If you are an adult, you have the right to run for public office. You probably do not want to, you probably should not, but now you can.

¹⁶ Seems like there was a reason I picked sixty-one, but it is lost in the shroud of time. I would just like to further add that with the Media being what it is, a twenty-one year old would most likely get laughed out of the room. My mom brought up the dubious argument that the younger population could suddenly decide to vote and pick a young person. Well, so what? By our Constitution, Jesus, Des Cartes and Alexander could not have been president. Give me a break.

(He can make the lame to walk and the blind to see, but he can't wear a flag pin and say "Dad bless America.")

I am no fan of alcohol (see below), but it is asinine that you can die for your country before you can drink a glass of beer. No more. Voting, drinking; all of the rights and all of the responsibilities are going to now come in a package deal.17

¹⁷ Including renting a floor buffer! It has always bothered me that you have to be 25 to do that.

In addition, as far as taxes We supposedly started this country on the concept of “No taxation without representation”. Yet, the government will happily take money from our Minor Entrepreneurs. It has been argued that young people still get government services. So What. So did the colonies. If fact, America paid quite a bit less in taxes then British citizens did. That did not stop the Founding Fathers from their principles. If it was good enough for them, it is good enough for me. Until you are officially an adult, and can have a say on these crazy taxes, you do not have to pay them.¹⁸

¹⁸ I suppose this argument is slightly flawed because of sales tax, but the principle remains the same. And while I’m thinking about it, execution should be reserved for those who vote, as well.

Issue 2: CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM

(Recognize your congressman?)

Some of the people are mad because of special interest money, which they feel pollutes the system and buys influence. It does. Why else would you give money if you did not think it would help you? Others are angry because they feel contributing insane amounts of money to political causes comes under the heading of free speech and personal freedom. It does¹⁹. So, we are going to compromise here. You, as an individual, can give any amount of money you choose to a candidate. You will do this, however, as an individual citizen. No more PACs, no more corporate lobbyists, no more hiding behind the Unions or the Oil Companies, or whatever. If you want to give, you do it yourself. Moreover, you disclose the amount. All of it. If you want to contribute twenty-million dollars to some candidate, fine, but all of America is going to know about it. That should help keep down those with nefarious intent who want to be anonymous. It is not perfect, but it bridges both ideologies on this issue. And consensus is what I am all about.

¹⁹ I am no longer convinced that money spent on politics is 100% free speech. I just read a book called Freakanomics that makes the argument that money doesn’t help a candidate; the winning candidates tend to receive the most money because they are winners, not the other way around. I am not arguing the math, but it seems self-evident that money has so fucking corrupted the process that even the compromise of allowing unlimited contributions BUT ONLY BY individuals) would not stop the problem. One thing is for sure: groups of people, like PACs and Big Business should not be allowed to give money. At the two conventions last month over 100 million dollars got spent by corporate America. Why would they do that if there was no benefit to them? I don’t know if I addressed lobbying in any 2000 column, so let me say here and now if I were in charge I would AT THE VERY LEAST ban congressmen (and their families and connected people) from EVER becoming lobbyists. If I could I would ban lobbying altogether. Also (I think I mentioned this in ’04, but not sure), I would make all campaign commercials subject to perjury laws. That would at least cut down the chicanery.

One more thing on this issue, at least for now. The president, in our current system spends the last two years of his or her first term running for re-election. This paralyzes the decisions made, and horribly corrupts them. So, here is what we are going to do: The president will be elected to one six-year term, and that is it. They will have six years to get things done, and then they can go enter celebrity golf tournaments and jump out of airplanes, or whatever they want to do. This will help reduce the politicization of the office, and make our leader come closer to being everyone’s leader.²⁰

²⁰ I go back and forth on this issue in my head. On the one hand, my argument is sound. A president gets maybe 18 months and then he is running for reelection. And winning reelection is much easier if you are a sitting president than not. Taking it out of the equation might cause some presidents to do more of what is right and less of what current opinion polls show. On the other hand, the kind of cultural revolution I have in mind would likely take 20+ years, which would either require abolishing the XXXXXth Amendment, or just temporarily suspending elections by making me a dictator (until I die; then proceeding with elections). You can see my bind.

Issue 3: PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY REVOLUTION²¹

(Well, it is!)

This one may not seem serious to you, but to a great segment of the population, this is life and death. Have you ever tried to make a PBJ and had the jelly spill out one of those annoying holes in the sandwich bread? This can ruin your day, let alone your shirt. Well, when I am president I am putting Big Bread on Notice: make the loaves without the holes, so our sandwiches do not’ leak. Let us move on.

²¹ It is issues like this that make it clear why so few people take me seriously. Then again, it’s issues like this that make me think I’m the only one who connects with the common folk. After all, ultimately, it’s the little things.

Issue 4: DEATHCARE

One of the issues in this campaign has been the death tax. This is an egregious sin, but not the only one in this field. It is beyond evil that the government taxes money YOU HAVE ALREADY PAID TAXES ON when you die.²² I am not talking about bills here; I am talking about greedy Washington, who knows the dead cannot fight back. Well, no more. It goes worse, though. You cannot die for free in this country, with all of the fees.

²² I am continually assailed by liberals that opposing the death tax makes me an evil Republican. Nothing could be further from the truth. But the fact remains that all taxes are in some respect legalized theft. We generally agree there should be some taxes to keep the country from falling apart, but they should be grounded in logic, not just easy targets. Taxing money that has already been taxed is appalling, no matter how much money the person has. It’s pure socialism. It cannot be justified under any form of logic other than “me want.” I would be more in favor of a law that allowed only X% of money to be inherited; requiring the rest to be given away to charities or similarly bequeathed. At least then the money would stay in private hands and away from government. Someone explain to me how I am wrong on this.

Then there is the outrageous Deathcare Industry.²³ Preying upon families who are hurting and grieving, the Deathcare Demons sweep in under the guise of “caring and sensitivity” and try to upsell us everything from mahogany caskets, which are going in the friggin’ ground, to headstones that cost as much as a new car. Listen people: that money needs to go to the family that is left over, who quite possibly just lost their major source of income. I do not care what you believe about the afterlife; that deals with the soul. We are talking here about the leftover tissue. It seems beyond ironic to me every time I sit in a line to watch a funeral procession pass through that most of the time we treat a dead body far better than we treated the living person while they were still with us. They same guy you cut off on the free way or verbally abused because your steak wasn’t done to your perfection is now a saint worthy of head-of-state status now that he’s gone. People, let us treat the living a little better and quit obsessing over the dead.

²³ I ended up writing an entire column on this: #146 The Business of Death

Issue 5: SURGERY²⁴

If you have surgery and you have to stay at the hospital, you get a stuffed animal. This is a cheap measure, and I guarantee you, an effective way to lift spirits without costing an arm or a leg. When I found out through talking to the American people that most of you do not get a stuffed animal after surgery I was outraged. Not even pretentious actors should be treated so shabbily.

²⁴ I was kidding (I think) by suggesting that government should pay for the surgeries, but stuffed animal makers should donate their messed up animals to hospitals. I guarantee you that hundreds of thousands (if not more) stuffed animals go into landfills every year, from carnivals and stores, to make way for new product. Why not donate them to hospitals and children’s charities?

“I guess truth can hurt you worse in an election than about anything that can happen to you.”
~Will Rogers

Issue 6: GOVERNMENT PARTICIPATION

(The Athenians were wise, but if 300 has taught us anything, they were pansies)

In ancient Greece the men (they were in charge then. I am not making a political statement here) would get together and take turns running the government. I realize that the city-states of B.C. Greece are a bit different from the behemoth country we have today, but on the local level, this could work. I believe much of the corruption in politics today is because people carve out their niches of power and are loathe letting it go. The local citizenry taking turns could effectively run many of these positions, from school boards to water commissions. Hey, it CANNOT be done any worse than it is now.²⁵ Here is my proposal. If you get ANY money from the government in some form of entitlement, every ten years you are obligated to participate in the government in some way. Someone once said, “Politics is 99% local.” Well, now it truly will be. This is an issue that needs to be expanded on further, which I will do later, but I wanted to get the idea out there now for you.

²⁵ The late great William F. Buckley suggested throwing all of Congress out and replacing them with 535 names randomly picked out of the phone book. Provided they could read and were not criminals, this might work. I bet normal people would take the job very seriously, and—not worrying about reelection—would just compromise and do what they could to help. It would certainly be worth trying in a small state to see how it worked. I bet New Hampshire or maybe Wyoming might volunteer.

Issue 7: DRIVING

(Ten bucks says a cell phone or Tequila had something to do with this)

There is no bigger preventable taker of life in this country than our lousy drivers. There are many reasons for this, which need to be addressed in amplified form. Here is a sample of what I will do. First, I want the test to become a driver to test more “real-world” conditions. I want all of our drivers on the road to be able to perform safely and responsibly.

AGE: drivers under twenty and over sixty cause a disproportionate amount of injuries and deaths. This is largely because of inexperience and lost reflexes. As to the younger ones, I want to adopt a plan somewhat like what California recently did, which set tough new standards for under age drivers and dramatically cut the accident rate for that segment of the population.²⁶ I know that some teenagers need to drive to work and so forth, and I do not want to make a hardship for them. What I am talking about is the extra-curricular activities. A car is an awesome machine that needs to be respected. Many sixteen year olds do not yet have that perspective, and cruising on a Friday night for chicks with five of their closest friends with the stereo going at jet engine levels do not help. More on this later.

²⁶ This seems like a flip-flop from my rants about age up above, but I have seen the numbers, and anyone who has driven for any length of time will attest that (especially) young drivers tend to not have a clue what they are doing. If we had a more public transit-centered society, we would likely increase the driving age significantly. We allow way too many people the privilege of driving.

As to older Americans, I do not want to cut off anyone strictly on age. It is, however, a fact that as we get older our reaction time and reflexes get slower. Therefore, I want reflexes and physical competency to be a big part of the testing to drive. I am not singling out older Americans here. I will require ALL drivers to be able to show competency for driving. The testing will be more frequent though as the driver ages. As long as you can pass, fine. When you cannot, you need to look into some other form of transportation. I am not insensitive to the feelings of loss that no longer driving can bring to someone used to being independent.²⁷ I am more sensitive though to the thousands of victims out there who were killed because of drivers who should not have been driving anymore. We all have to make choices, and I choose to keep more people alive than placate bruised feelings.

²⁷ I am seeing this first hand right now with someone. It is obvious to me that driving should not be in the equation any more (but not my call). Sadly, it will likely take an accident for anyone to act.

DRINKING: As far as I am concerned, Drunk Driving is an issue of National Security. I have fatality numbers from a few years ago, which make me ill, and I am sure even they are dwarfed now. Folks, there is absolutely no excuse for this. First and foremost, every car in this country will have a Breathalyzer attached to the Ignition.²⁸ Some might see this as an infringement on personal freedom. You may recall I myself have written in the past defending the rights of adults to not wear seatbelts and helmets if they choose to be that stupid. The difference is this: Helmets and seatbelts protect us, and if we want to put our own lives on the line, fine. Drunk Drivers, though, threaten everybody else on the road. I am simply not willing to put up with the risk anymore.

²⁸ I wrote a column six months ago about breathalyzers, patiently and iron-cladly laying out my case. Sadly, I have not been able to bring myself to post it. I am very jealous of 2000 Hyperion’s passion. He did not worry about offending people: he just wrote. I need to rekindle that passion. I have at least half a dozen columns I have not posted for fear of “offending” my readers. I need to quit pandering to you idiots and start taking a sledgehammer to some of the Neolithic ideas out there that pass for logic.

After the Breathalyzers are in every vehicle, it will take a WILLFUL act of subversion to drive drunk. Anyone caught this way will be charged with Attempted Murder, and punished accordingly. At the very least, they will NEVER be allowed to drive again. Once this provision is enforced stringently, watch the DUIs come down. Anyone who causes someone to die because of Drunk Driving after the Breathalyzers have been added will be guilty of premeditated murder, and will be executed.²⁹ These people do not belong in our society, and in many ways are more dangerous than the hardened killer is, because their victims are chosen indiscriminately. No more.

²⁹ 2008 Hyperion (me) is a little more forgiving than 2000 Hyperion, and I am not sure if that’s a good thing. Although I am sure my pansy-ass won’t include this thought in the final draft of the Breathalyzer column, I would not lose a single night’s sleep if you executed every motherfucking DUI killer there was, and it costs me (both literally and figuratively) half the people I know and love, so be it.

Well, these are my first seven ideas: what I will do when I am president. All of the issues need to be better explained, and they will in the coming weeks and months. I wanted you, though, to get a sense of what I am about. I am sorry if I come off harsh tonight, but I realized I was not able to go through with this until I got to the point like the famous scene in the movie “Network” where I could go to the window, throw it open and say, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”³⁰

³⁰ Bloody great movie. Someone remind me to review it soon.

(If that's not hiding a conspiracy, I don't know what is)

Stay tuned to find out what I plan to do with Medicine companies, Big Milk, child molesters, and our language, among other topics. For now, this is Hyperion saying I am sick and tired of our sham choices in our elections and I intend to do something about it.³¹ I hope you come with me.

³¹ Dammit, if I read too many more 2000 columns, I may run yet. Maybe my inner-badass can kick my inner pansy’s ass.

Hyperion

October 28, 2000

Read the Original Version here