Deep in the Well of Savage Salvation

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Empire Taxes

Empire Taxes
I am your Emperor and you will pay me the Taxes you owe

Empire Taxes

Empire Taxes
I am your Emperor. You must support the Realm!

"Chronicle Groupie"
Hyperion April 16, 2000

#3 I think I saw some doughnuts about a mile back

Recently a friend of mine was given his first speeding ticket, which had him a little depressed. My analysis of his driving had led me to conclude he was slower than the Japanese Government to apologize for WWII, so I chose to look on the bright side of his new NASCAR tendencies. To cheer him up though, I wrote a list of the top 13 things not to say when pulled over. Originally it was a top ten list but David Letterman is meaner than he looks. I also had to clean it up a bit for general audiences but some of the things might still offend you. Remember, the point is what NOT to say to a cop, not how to witness Jesus to him.



13. I just saw a couple of your friends. One was going to Market and two were fighting over roast beef. Shouldn't you be going home?

12. How many bribes am I going to have to pay tonight?

11. I'll have a cheeseburger, large fries and a chocolate milkshake.

10. I didn't know she was your daughter.

9. And I really didn't know the other woman was your wife.

8. I've got a body thawing in the trunk so I'm kind of pressured for time, here.

7. No more blowjobs!

6. Did you hear the one about the cop who pulls a guy over in and gets his head chopped off?

5. Sorry to hear about what happened to your family.......tomorrow.

4. Soouuueeeeeeeeey!!!!

3. Shouldn't you be racial profiling?

2. I'd kick your ass but I'm afraid your mom would break up with me.


#1. Give me a break, I've been drinking.


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