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"Chronicle Groupie"
Hyperion December 4, 2002

“Now available in Diet, Cherry, and Lemon-Lime”

#80 – Potpourri, Volume VIII: Quick takes (more or less)

C’mon, now; be honest. Is nudity in a movie ever gratuitous? Have you ever seen a movie where the nudity didn’t make it better? (And obviously, for your smart alecks, I’m referring to God’s definition of nudity: women)

Pop Quiz: Who are the three greatest Austrians ever?

Why don’t they have radio for the deaf? I think the controls could be adapted for Braille pretty easily.

No, not Australians, you dingbat, Austrians!

Can somebody tell me why they don’t have Hip-Hop Masterpiece Theater yet? “To be, or not to be. Yo: that be the question. Fool!” It writes itself!

Answer to pop quiz: Mozart, Freud, and Schwarzenegger. How many did you get?

Who alive today could you meet and truly be in awe of, like lose-your-composure awe? I’d tell you mine but I’d probably meet her tomorrow. Um, or him.

While I have you thinking along those lines, what three people, alive or dead, would you invite over for dinner? Off the top of my head, I’m thinking Jesus, Genghis Kahn, and Yoda.

Okay, I changed my mind on dinner. Now I’m thinking Homer Simpson, Rasputin, and Samuel L. Jackson.

Changed my mind one more time. I’m going with Harry Houdini, Errol Flynn, and Helen of Troy. Hmm. Both those guys are pretty charming, I bet. Better make it Helen of Troy, Richard Simmons, and a blind Eunuch.

Things we have no proof for but believe in anyway: Luck, soda tastes better in actual glass bottles; two wrongs often make a right.

Memo to Calendar People: Everybody, in thought, word, and deed, considers the week to begin on Monday. Let’s live in the now, huh? Sunday is not and has not been the beginning of the week for some time. I grew up in a pastor’s home, and even then, the week built toward Sunday, not away from it.

More things we can’t prove but believe anyway: different M&M colors taste different, the other line always goes faster, most referees are biased.

What bothers me more than anything, more than death, suffering, or Full House re-runs, is that no one acknowledges that The Black Hole was far superior to Star Wars.

“There are those who are foolish enough to keep their kids in harm’s way and those are foolish enough to take them out of it. Either way the children learn a life lesson.” I swear that made sense at 4:30 this morning.

Not to denigrate America, but does anybody else think we need a new symbol? I mean, an eagle, and a bald one at that? We need a more American animal, one that embodies the survivor spirit. I’m open to suggestions, but right now I’m thinking cockroach, or possibly wolverine.

I don’t want to be an alarmist, but I’m mildly disturbed that Popsicles are not offered in the grape-only variety, even though they are clearly the most popular. Even more alarming; there are those out there (not my wonderful readers of course) who actually prefer another flavor of Popsicle over grape. Let the holy wars begin.

A few weeks ago it was reported that a woman called the police, suspecting she had contracted anthrax through her email…………..I can’t top that. Let’s move on.

Term of the day: Below the Fold. Literally, the items which appear on the front page of a newspaper but below where the paper is folded, which makes them less important, news wise. You can adapt this for your gossiping (and men too, for that matter).

I try to live and let live with the English language, I really do, but sometimes I have to make a stand. Those who are veteran readers of this column will no doubt remember my crusade against the misuse of the word “irony.” Well, I have another one: the word “literally.” We’ve misused it so much we now just include it as a modifying adjective. I was talking to my friend Lydia the other day about picking a dress for a formal, and she told me that for her to be impressed, the dress had to literally had to jump out at her. Now, I know what she meant, but think about what she said…Actually, now that I think about it, a dress which could jump might not be so bad, if you could train it to jump off at the appropriate time. Hmm...How ‘bout it, science?

Finally, I was talking to my friend Koz about the ice storm heading our way (Atlanta, Georgia, America), and how alarmed people down here get. School is cancelled, bread, milk, and batteries fly off the shelves, and general panic sets in; everything but the National Guard called out. We agreed people up north would laugh at us with our naïveté. Koz, however, pointed out everything is relative. If, for example, tens of thousands of black people showed up in Minnesota, bread would probably fly off the shelves, panic would set in; the National Guard called. So, all things being equal, maybe a city full of snow-bound idiots ain’t that bad.

And on that note, I better go get some bread.

December 4, 2002


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