Deep in the Well of Savage Salvation

Copyright© 2000 - 2011 by Hyperion . Powered by Blogger.

Empire Taxes

Empire Taxes
I am your Emperor and you will pay me the Taxes you owe

Empire Taxes

Empire Taxes
I am your Emperor. You must support the Realm!

"Chronicle Groupie"
Hyperion February 10, 2003
The Hyperion Chronicles
“The French are just a bunch cheese-eating surrender monkeys”

#93 Potpourri, Volume XII

Wake me when it gets to mauve
If you were in America this last weekend, and paying attention, you know our National Alert Status, or whatever they call it, was raised to “Orange”. Now, I’m on board for having this system, and I feel for the people trying to decide how much to tell us and not wanting to create a “Wolf Wolf” situation. However, these colors are just silly. Right, now, who can tell me what they are? I know they are sort of based on a traffic light, with green, yellow, and red. But they also have other in-between colors that are hard to follow. Like this weekend, when we went to Orange? What’s next? Terror Alert Apple? My solution is simple: we should just go to the DefCon (Defense Condition) ratings the military use. Most people have seen enough movies to know DefCon 1, DefCon 2, and so forth. DefCon 5 means to find God in a hurry. Simple, no?

National Health Alert
And while I’m on the subject…in what I’m sure is going to save millions of lives, I have learned and would like to pass on the following: eating cucumbers with the rind on and drinking beer can be very dangerous. I can picture sighs of relief all across the continent.

Puxatawnee Hyperion
Something that has bothered me for some time: why does a groundhog seeing his shadow mean six more weeks of winter? I know that these are just old superstitions, but shouldn’t they make at least a modicum of sense? If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means the sun is out, which, if anything, would mean it’s warmer, and would hasten an early spring. Can someone explain this to me?

If they can just put them in Twinkies, we’ll be all set
Maybe I’m missing something, but: I saw this advertisement for Vitaball, a new bubble gum designed to give kids their vitamins. Is it just me, or is this a bad idea? I mean, it would seem that to get the benefit, you’d actually have to eat the gumballs, something my mamma taught me was wrong. I checked the company’s website ( and they swear it takes only five to ten minutes of chewing to ingest the vitamins, but I’m suspicious. Of course a bigger solution would be to just invent gum that could be digested. As I say often here in the Hyperion Chronicles, how ‘bout it, Science?

At least it wasn’t Full House
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you find yourself watching Mama’s Family on TBS, when you should be sleeping. How did a show like this ever get made? What’s worse; laughing at it. Which, I hate to admit, I did. But don’t tell anybody.

This explains disco
I recently started watching a show on the Food Network called The Galloping Gourmet, which is rerun from the late ‘60s and early ‘70s. I’m not trying to pick on the older generation here, but you people must have led boring lives. The utter banality that passed for entertainment on this program and caused the audience to periodically erupt in applause is mind-blowing. Yes, my generation may be cynical and jaded, but at least we have a sense of humor. I’m never again going to let old people criticize “what passes for entertainment these days.”

Ringling was right
One of the newer crazes spreading across the nation is Feng Shui, the Chinese concept of Universal Balance. You see, there are 3 chis, the Heaven’s, the Earth’s, and yours, and only by finding the proper balance can you be at peace. So Feng Shui experts will come into your home and rearrange your furniture to restore positive energy. I don’t care how tough our military is, the Chinese are never going to fear us or even take us seriously if we keep falling for these hare-brained ideas. Although, come to think of it, I do recall my mother occasionally moving the furniture in the middle of the night (never did figure out how she did that), which would cause the rest of us to bump into it in the dark and have bad thoughts. If this was her real purpose, maybe the Chinese are on to something.

I have no real moral objection to swearing, but instead an aesthetic one. There are only so many swear words to go around, so they end up sounding trite and repetitious. That’s why we here at the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Legerdemain are always looking for new ways to express outrage. One such expression from the past that I’d like to resurrect is “I say good day to you sir!” Done with the right amount of flair this genteel attack has a lot going for it. Say it out loud to yourself—you’ll see what I mean. I can’t wait to say “Good day!” to someone and then storm off in a huff.

Becoming my parents
When I was younger, my siblings and I always used to laugh when our parents would describe something in their youth, because when we would finally see it, the experience would always fall far short of their accolades. Well, friends, at least on this score, I have become them. I have revisited many of the things of my youth and been mortified to find out how much they suck. Case in point: when I was a kid, there was nothing cooler than G.I. JOE. Not anything. The comic book was routinely denied the Pulitzer Prize; the action figures all came with kung fu grips—not to be missed. And the cartoon? Truly a cinematic masterpiece, effortlessly interweaving complex characterizations with imaginative plot lines; all with élan and panache. Oh, how times change. Watching the ‘toon now is an exercise in cringing shame. The animation is barely above stick figures, the characters are such blatant stereotypes that I was waiting for the native American guy to break out his peace pipe, and the plots would have made more sense with the addition of a blood-thirsty clown emerging from the sewers to swallow a small child whole; never a good sign in a patriotic cartoon. How did this happen? Did they go back and make the story suck—and why would they do that? Is it possible I had no taste as a child? No: it has to be an insidious plot.

Moral tip of the week
How do you say the word “adult”? Some people say “ADD-ults,” and some say “uh-DULTS.” The second way is correct. The first way means you’re going to hell.

The Haters across the pond
Finally, I wouldn’t worry too much about the posturing in the U.N. over war from these European countries. First of all, can anybody name the century when France last won a war? I’m serious. Germany, for that matter, hasn’t been too successful either the last couple hundred years or so. Mainly, though, I wouldn’t worry, because Europe will come around. They have to. They are always fighting wars, and they can’t seem to stop for anything. In fact, just a few weeks ago, Britain went and invaded Spain. Now, before your family starts choosing sides (between people who own the Beatles White Album and people who have Jennifer Lopez pictures on their hard drives), you should know that it was a mistake. British marines were training for a mission in Afghanistan and were supposed to land on the island of Gibraltar, which they got from Spain in exchange decades ago for three double-decker buses and a British Royal to be named later. Instead, the soldiers picked a Spanish island, much to their chagrin, and had to red-facedly go back in their boats. I suppose this kind of mistake is understandable, though. I mean, there wasn’t anything to distinguish the two islands was there? Like maybe a really big

That’s all for now. Be good ‘till I return, Children.

February 10, 2003


Columns                                                                                     Hyperion Empire