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Hyperion May 5, 2003

the Hyperion Chronicles
Bake Bake Bake! Bake Bake Bake! Bake your Shooty!!”

#120 Potpourri, Volume XVI


Howdy howdy to all my wonderful readers out there, and warm greetings to the rest of you too. I’m sitting here on May 5th writing this column, and it is snowing outside, as it has been for almost 48 hours. You gotta love this Canada! (Actual city withheld for Witness Protection Program purposes) In My Fair Lady they sang “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain” but up here they sing “The snow on the ground falls all year ‘round.”

A Salute to Speedy Gonzalez and Co.

The 5th of May is also Cinco de Mayo, which celebrates Mexican independence, sort of. (For more on this, check out: I for one am glad Mexicans finally rid themselves of their Spanish oppressors, and became free to follow their true callings: corrupt government and sneaking into America. And before you get mad, consider: up here in the great white north they don’t have Mexicans coming over in waves (in fact, “south of the border” has an entirely different meaning,), and consequently, they don’t have very many good Mexican restaurants. These people think Taco Bell is exotic, and even then they put maple syrup on their bean burritos instead of hot sauce.

But back to the Mexicans, the next time someone complains they are taking jobs away from Americans, please punch that person in the face for me. The jobs Mexicans take are the ones Americans won’t do, because Americans are too rich and don’t want to degrade themselves. Somebody has to do these jobs, and I for one am glad there is still a work ethic in America, even if it comes from south of the border, down Mexico Way.

On last thing on this subject: You know how America has a law that any Cuban who makes it to American soil can stay? I think that any illegal Mexican coming over the border that somehow makes it to Hawaii or Alaska should get to stay too. And then they get put on the swim team…

I would love to see the Dreidel he would make

It’s been a quiet week here at the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian Studies; what with getting all those wedding columns and weddings done with. Many thanks to all the various people who wrote in to give feedback or share their own wedding stories. One reader I talked to about #118 (Dignified Yeti) told me I sounded like the Abominable Snowman. “Dude,” I told him, “What do you think the title of my column was for?” “Oh,” he replied sheepishly. “I thought that was some sort of Jewish thing.” People, you just can’t make this stuff up.

The wonderful *&^$%**# Media

What good things can I say about the news? No, really, I’m asking, because I don’t know anything. I ran into a David Brinkley quote about his trade: “The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were.” Aint it the truth.

Oh, how they miss Bill Clinton…

My friend Achmed asked me once how you could tell when the war was actually over. It’s funny, because a few weeks ago I turned on CNN to get a brief update on the conflict in Iraq. Instead I saw wall-to-wall coverage of Laci Peterson (they had just found the body). I guess that’s one way.

I guess the Rolling Stones were too busy to investigate

What else is in the news? SARS, which stands for Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (why they felt “severe” and “acute” were both necessary is beyond me, but I guess the acronym would otherwise have sounded more like a Pirate Disease: ARS!). I was watching the local community channel the other day, and I glanced up to see the following news item: “With no reported cases in 19 days, The WHO has declared Vietnam free of SARS.” I couldn’t help but think to myself: why does an over-the-hill rock group get to decide that?

Obligatory Degenerate Section

Website of the week: This is the countdown for when Mary Kate and Ashley Olson turn 18. (These girls are the twins on Full House, and 5000 other movies, each exactly the same, to those of you living in caves) This is quite an important thing to some people, as I’ve mentioned before I used to live with someone who had a big countdown clock in his room getting ready for the event. I don’t see the attraction myself, but since I assigned Full House to the 9th Circle of Hell (#66 The Great Sitcom Debate), that doesn’t mean much. Personally really hot twins make me suspicious they’re actually trying to take over the earth, but maybe I’m just being paranoid. However, the whole affair makes me realize a moneymaking opportunity. Every state in America has their own Age-of-Consent laws, and they can get confusing. I bet if someone were to make a handy foldout map of the US with the Age of Consent written on each state; that would be a big seller. And, for those of you without morals, it might help you plan a trip: “Okay, honey, we have to avoid the Midwest, but once we hit the Mississippi River it’s smooth sailing!”

The Obligatory “Making it Worse” Section

Website of the Week 2: I had several readers write to me after my last column asking where I got the audacity to suggest they might want to visit Hell. Since they obviously have a highly trained sense of humor, to them I offer: (and yes, I realize “your” needs a apostrophe, but it’s not my website, so don’t hate). I make no claims or support of this site, and I leave it up to you whether it’s a satire or not.

Making Literary Wrongs Right

The expression “head over heels” would make a lot more sense as “heels over head” since, after all, your head is normally over your heels. If whomever is in charge of this would contact me or just make the necessary change, I’d be much obliged.

Hyperion means crazy

I was looking up names and their meaning the other day on the Internet. I’m frankly not buying it. Every single name had some sort of positive meaning, like “the beautiful one” or “leader of his people.” I mean; words come into meaning from all aspects of our past, and not all of human history is flowers and sunshine. Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense if some of the names today had origins that meant “complete dumbass” or “son of a whore”?? Maybe I should publish my own book.

Shameless Promotion

This seems like a good place to remind you to sign up for Hyperion X. You’ll get me, uncensored. There are only a limited amount of spots available, so get your request in today!

Trippy Section

Have you ever wondered if you see colors the way others see them? We know from the color spectrum that colors depend on the amount of reflected light, and are pretty standard, but that doesn’t mean that what you see as blue others couldn’t see as green or red or something else entirely. Isn’t that creepy? It always makes me feel weird to think of such things.

Good Advice of the Day

Never sit in the front of a bus on a field trip. Nothing good happens up there.

Finally, a lesson in How To Take a Compliment 101: I was talking to my friend Bear’s sister a while ago, and I saw a wallet picture of her on the table. I remarked that she looked really hot in it, and she turned red, but then with full aplomb told me, “Well, that’s what I was going for.” Indeed.

And now I am at a close. Whatever you think of this column, that’s what I was going for.

May 05, 2003

Thanks to Q-Dog for the hell website and the yeti observation
Thanks to Achmed
Thanks to Bear’s Sister for being really hot
Thanks to Koz for the Olson website


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