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Hyperion June 18, 2003
the Hyperion Chronicles
“I be to rap what key be to lock”

Editor’s Note: This is a hybrid column, born out of my having quite a few different bits of information to impart. All of the items, though, have in common this: interactivity. Basically that’s a fancy word meaning you are more actively involved. Sometimes there will be a link (just put your mouse cursor over the highlighted text and click). Sometimes I will be asking you questions. Some of it is about movies, but bits too small to fit in our series on the subject. And there is also some information about this column. Think of this as a “hands-on potpourri.” You A.D.D. people should be in heaven. Enjoy.

#131 Interactivity, Ninja Style (You know how we do it)

I want to start with a question Hyperion Chronicles Reader “Deelea” sent me the other day. Some of you may have heard this, but if you haven’t, take a look at it, and try to figure it out. I’ll have the answer at the end:

This is a story about a little girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there but never asked him for his phone # and could not find him. A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

Chronicle News
While you’re thinking that over here is a bit of information about us: the column you read (the Hyperion Chronicles) and its sister column (Hyperion X) are made possible by a team of dedicated people, who work at the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian Studies. The goal is, between the two columns, to put out 3.5 issues a week, although that doesn’t always happen. We also try to answer each and every letter we get back, although sometimes this takes quite a bit of time.

Many of you have written to ask about back issues, since most of you haven’t been around since the beginning. There are three ways to do this. Sometimes (like Mondays this month) we rerun classic columns, but this is rare. A better way is to write and ask for a catalogue, which has all the old columns listed. But even easier is our website, which hopefully soon will be up and running. We recently secured a server, and we are working hard now on getting everything in place. That way you will be able to tell all your friends and neighbors about the site, which will make them like you, and lead to promotions, and possibly love. We’ll post further information as soon as we have it.

We’re also announcing a contest with the column, called “Bring in New Readers, Win a C.A.R.” Many of you have signed up friends who would enjoy the Chronicles, and we want to encourage others of you, if you enjoy reading, to do the same. To reward such behavior, from now until September 1st we’ll be running a contest and keeping track of who brings in the most new Readers. That person will win a C.A.R. Note that by C.A.R. we do not mean an actual automobile, but instead a Column About the Reader. That means I will write a whole column about you, or, if you’re very boring, about anything you want me to. And I mean that. I will write about anything, no matter what. So start recruiting!

Changing gears, can anyone tell me what is up with trashing the Dutch? Just off the top of my head the other day, I came up with the following derogatory phrases about Dutch people: “In Dutch” (which means in trouble), “Dutch Treat” (which means the other person has to pay for themselves), and “Dutch Wife” (which is what the Japanese call a full-size replica of a woman used for…well, like a wife). The only thing I have been able to come up with is that Dutch people have too many names. Their country is called Holland AND The Netherlands, but the people aren’t Hollandaise or Netherlanders, but Dutch! But even that strangeness doesn’t explain why the Dutch are made fun of so much. Can anyone answer this?

Word to the wise
Recently I got into a conversation with my sister about the meaning of the word “ambiguity.” This stemmed from a Dilbert cartoon, a good source of inspiration. Ratbert is depressed that he is no longer thought of highly in the world, and tells Dogbert, “You’re the only one who still respects me.”

Dogbert replies, “That’s not true.” Ratbert is momentarily buoyed, but then has doubts, and thinks to himself, “I better let that go while there is still some ambiguity.”

Hee hee. Segueing smoothly, ambiguity is one of those words you’re supposed to know as a high school graduate. If you don’t, check out an online dictionary, either or I was reminded of this the other day when I was sent this site; Full of 10 words high school graduates are supposed to know. How many do you know the meaning of?


You can find the answers by clicking the link.

Movie Section
The movie columns have generated quite a bit of response, something I’m happy about. There is going to be one more regular movie column, and then we’re going to dive into those responses. If you haven’t gotten your responses in, there is still time. If you’ve forgotten the questions, write and ask me and I’ll send them to you again. For those of you have sent in responses, or are planning to, I have three more questions for you: What is the best movie to start with a number (like 8 Mile), Who are the three best movie-only characters ever? (This means, characters that were not originally in books or plays or any other medium, but created just for the silver screen.) Third, what is the best sequel ever? These last two questions should get people hopping.

One of the prime candidates has to be The Empire Strikes Back. And speaking of which (I am the King of segues today!), I have received information that the Official Website has added a component called “Hyperspace.” (And, no, before you ask, I don’t think it’s affiliated with me). I haven’t checked it out, but my understanding is if you’re a Star Wars fan, you’ll be quite pleased.

Another candidate has to be Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Wouldn’t you know it; I have some information on that, too. It turns out they are trying to get a musical version of LOTR ready for 2005 to open in London. (You can find out more information here. Just type in “musical” in the search engine.) Already thinking ahead, the folks at the Internet Movie Data Base have compiled a few possible songs for Lord of the Rings: The Musical. They are:

“Nazgul, You Fool!”
“All that Glitters is not Gold”
“Frodo Mojo”
“Force of Hobbit”
“Uruk-Hai, Uruk-Ho!”
“Helm’s Deep, River’s Wide”
“I Sorrow for Saruman”
“It’s all Elvish to Me”
“It’s Unwise, Samwise!”
“Why so Low, Mr. Frodo?””Stryder Beside Her”
“Hands off, Gandalf”
“Iirina Sina Mori/Lovely This Night (the Elvish Long Song)”
“Oh, When, Arwen?”
“Call Him Gollum”

Tennyson, ’03 Style
This Friday the movie I’m looking forward to the most this year comes out: The Hulk (to see the official website, click here. Also, I will have my review in Hyperion X posted hopefully Friday night). The Hulk has always been my favorite comic book character. Since I was little, I would dance around in my Hulk Underoosä yelling out, “I’m the Credible Hulk!!!” (It’s supposed be the “Incredible Hulk,” but I was young and didn’t know that). Ah, good times.

I am doubly looking forward to this movie because the director is Ang Lee, who has made two of the best movies I’ve seen in the last decade, and as you know from my movie columns, I am a big believer in seeing movies based on the director over everything else.

And yet there remains some doubt. What if the movie is terrible? I kept these doubts to myself, of course, but then both my sister and my friend Koz—on the very same day—told me they thought The Hulk was going to be as bad as Godzilla. (On a side-note, even if they thought this, why would they say such a hurtful thing? If you know them personally, write them a mean letter, or send it to me, and I’ll forward it)

So for a while, I was shook, and wondered whether it would be good or not. But then I realized I can’t do anything about that, and worrying about it is worse than foolish. Besides which, I would rather get excited about a movie and then be disappointed, then never be excited at all. So, bring it on Ang Lee, and hopefully The Hulk will be as good as I hope. Besides, at least Matthew Broderick isn’t in it.

Until I do be writing you again,

June 18, 2003

Thanks to Koz for helping me format and Edit
Thanks to the people at the Internet Movie Data Base for their funny ideas
Thanks to Deelea for sending me the question
Thanks to Elby for her idea for movies starting with Numbers
Thanks to Scott Adams for inspiring us with great Dilbertä strips
Thanks to Underoosä for being so cool

Answer to Question
The simple answer to the question I asked you at the beginning is: so the man would be at her sister’s funeral. This question is from a psychology test, and supposedly only serial killers would answer that way. But that’s nonsense. The question is on a psychology test, and the answer a person gives could tell a lot about the personality. For example, does the person worry about the relationship with the mother, the sister, or the man? Is the person upset that the girl is little and would kill, or fall in love? Does the person keep asking for more information? (I get this response a lot) All of those answers give a little insight into the personality of a person. But none of them, even the answer I gave you, predicts whether you’re a serial killer. I hope.

@2003 the Hyperion Chronicles


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