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Hyperion August 8, 2003
the Hyperion Chronicles
“I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.”

#141 Potpourri, Volume XVII

All the trouble in the world
Many of you have been wondering why the Hyperion Chronicles has slowed down recently. Two reasons for this. One I’ll get to in a minute. The other is because of legal troubles. And before you write and tell me that’s what I get for having so many interns around here, let me clarify: the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian/Kickassian Studies has been besieged by, among others, AOL.

Yes, dear Readers, it seems that America On-Line, long the bane of my existence (as Hyperion X readers can fully attest to) has seen fit to go to war with this column. The reason—according to my ISP—is that AOL is horrible at catching bulk mail, so they adopted a “zero tolerance” policy. And, just like schools that now suspend kids for carrying Aspirin and Sporks, AOL now considers anything sent in the BCC line to be spam.

For those of you not up on the jargon, BCC means Blind Carbon Copy, and it’s the way I send these columns, to keep the email addresses private. You’d think that would be a good thing. But noooooo. Anyway, we’re working on a system that will evade AOL’s detectors and still protect you.

This whole issue also brought up the idea of Double Opt-In. Apparently the rage is now to get all these legal protections from people who are readers of things like this column. In other words, they want me to get written confirmation from each of my Readers that they actually want to be reading, and I’m not forcing my views and/or emails down people’s throats.
I suppose it’s pointless to mention this (since if you don’t want this column you’re probably not reading to this point), but we here at the Hyperion Institute only want Readers who are genuinely interested in reading the Chronicles. (We also wanted only hot readers, but that dang 14th Amendment got in the way). We are not pastors, and wholly uninterested in numbers just for numbers’ sake. In other words, I’d rather have 500 people who really like to read than 2000 who don’t care at all.

The only way you’re supposed to be on this list if you asked to be, or someone asked for you. Mistakes do happen though, and if for some reason you have brain damage and don’t want to be reading, please let us know.

What’s in a (website) name? Apparently; more than you’d think
On to happier news, the second reason there has been a slow-down in output is because we’re spending so much time working on the website. It’s starting to come together now, and my Webmaster Laureate tells me that with luck, we’ll have the first columns up by the end of August. Hopefully it’s going to be quite a place, where you can read all the old columns you missed before you met me, and where you can tell all your friends to go, thereby impressing them, becoming more popular, and hopefully exposing the site to someone willing to pay me to write. (And the interns, most of whom can only afford rags)

We have had some issues, though; mainly the name. I had a perfect name, a couple of different times, only to find out it had been swiped (albeit before I thought of it, but swiped nonetheless) by a Korean company. And if you’re thinking a Global Conspiracy that possibly involves Kathleen Turner and/or the Magic Pygmy Rabbits, I’m way ahead of you.

And now, the World’s smoothest Segue
I was watching the credits to a movie the other day, to see the name of a song I liked during the film. I came upon a Bach offering called Air on a G string. This strikes me as the greatest name for a classical piece ever, with the possible exception of Mozart’s Whisper on a thong.

Hyperion Institute Hero of the Week
Here at the Institute we are always on the lookout for shining examples of courage, valor, and people just sticking it to the Man (the Man has long been an enemy of Hyperion, along with Whitey). I was watching Conan O’Brien the other night when I saw this guy, Dennis M. Hope, being interviewed about the Lunar Embassy. Apparently what Mr. Hope did, way back in 1980, is register with the United Nations, and anyone else he could find, property ownership of…the Moon. Just to be clear: we’re talking about our moon, also known as Mr. Cheesehead.

Anyway, Mr. Hope has been selling property on the moon ever since. He now even has a website, where you can look at different subdivisions—or whatever—and pick out the slice of Moon you’d like. Perhaps you’d like to retire there one day. Or you’re worried about the quality of life for your grandson. What better way to ensure the future than having a piece of the Moon all your own? To find out more, click here.

What makes this so cool to me is the ingenuity of the guy. He didn’t try to con people; he actually registered the legal claim. I’m sure it was granted only because the various governments thought it was absurd and basically free money, but wouldn’t it be so cool if colonization ever happens, and David M. Hope wins legal standing?

Hero #2
My old college roommate, Eddie Leonard, now has a website with his songs on it. Since I am trying to get my own website started, I can appreciate the work involved, and I’m happy Eddie is pursuing his dream. You can hear some of Eddie’s songs by clicking here.

I’ve known Eddie for a long time (he was my first ever guest columnist of the Hyperion Chronicles, way back in #44), and it makes me happy to see him following through on his music, which I watched grow into a passion in his life. But we here at the Institute are equal opportunity. If you have a website or something, especially if it is something you are passionate about, write and let me know, and if I like it, I won’t hesitate to include it here and tell the Readers. I love passion and passionate people; even if it’s something most people don’t care for. I like it when people are into something enough that they don’t care what the world thinks. Even if you don’t like Eddie’s music (and shame on you if you don’t), you have to admire him—or anyone—willing to pursue a dream.

While we’re on the music subject…
I ran across what has to be the song of the summer, if not the year. It’s by a band called Junior Senior, and titled Move Your Feet. I saw these guys on Carson Daly, and they looked like uber-nerds. The lead singer had on one of those cheesy Truck-stop hats, a too-small jean jacket, and a Minnie Mouse shirt.

And yet; I defy anyone to listen to this song and not end up dancing like you’re having a seizure. If you have the capability, download this song, or just listen for it on the radio. You won’t be disappointed.

More Conspiracy
I’m not trying to offend anyone (oh, who am I kidding; I live for that), but does anyone else think that Marie Osmond recently left her husband because she and Donnie are having a torrid affair?

Leggo my Preggo
A friend of mine is in her last month of pregnancy (although she claims last month should have been the final one), and is quite miserable. So, to make her feel better, I thought I would list a few “fun pregnancy facts” about people who have it far worse.

Sympathetic Husbands
The first thing I ran across was the Better Homes and Gardens Baby Book. The publishing date is 1969, but many of the items seem not to have been changed from the original 1943 version. There are so many things in here I could write an entire column just on it (including how long couples should go without sex before and after the baby; you’d never believe it), but one howler I thought I’d share.

One section of the book was telling fathers how they could be supportive. One of the suggestions was to, “try to be understanding when you come home and the house doesn’t look as perfect as usual or dinner is a little late. Remember, your wife has a lot going on in her life now.” And somewhere Betty Friedan started spinning…

I’d hate to see the C-Section
Lest you think the 40 weeks of pregnancy is that bad, I found out last week that a female elephant carries her baby for 22 months. This is beside the fact the baby weighs, at birth, several hundred pounds. 22 months! I’ve never even had a relationship that long.

Imagine being the middle child
Finally, I learned that the record for the most number of children by one woman is 69. I am not making this up. This was accomplished because the poor jiffy-pop of a woman gave birth to 16 sets of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets. That’s still giving birth 27 different times. If ever anyone needed to get a headache…

That’s life in the Monkey Barn,

August 8, 2003

Thanks to Laureate for all his hard work
Thanks to Eddie for being an inspiration
Hang on, Harriet! That baby will come soon

@2003 the Hyperion Chronicles


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