Deep in the Well of Savage Salvation

Copyright© 2000 - 2011 by Hyperion . Powered by Blogger.

Empire Taxes

Empire Taxes
I am your Emperor and you will pay me the Taxes you owe

Empire Taxes

Empire Taxes
I am your Emperor. You must support the Realm!

"Chronicle Groupie"
Hyperion March 1, 2004

the Hyperion Chronicles
“The Official Chronicle of the entire Shire”

#284 Potpourri, Volume XXVII

It’s Tolkien’s world; we’re just living in it
Many of you sat down last night in front of the television and asked yourself, “How can I be bored silly for the better part of four hours?” Luckily, for you folks, there were the Oscars. I personally don’t care for the awards show; finding the Oscars boring, and bad television, and those are two things Hyperion up with which will not put.

But I was trying to keep peace in the family, and thus ended up watching a good deal of it. I think we can all agree that the most important fact to come out of last night is that Hyperion knows what’s he’s talking about. I checked six movie critics who made predictions, and I blew them all out of the water.

Of course anyone should have been able to get most of these. It was the most predictable night in some time. The sweep for Lord of the Rings was almost certainly for the three films, but as political as Oscar is, I can live with that.

One final note: an alert reader sent me this great site; a personality test to see which Lord of the Rings character you are most like. It’s a lot of fun. Make sure you write to tell me which character you are.

The Passion of Conspiracy
The other big entertainment news of the weekend was the incredible box office take for The Passion of the Christ. The film made 83.8 million dollars over the three day weekend and an absolutely astounding 125.2 million since its Ash Wednesday opening. Regardless of what you think about the film, the marketing campaign has been nothing short of brilliant. Mel Gibson’s strategy of showing the film to friendly church audiences built anticipation among Christians, and even the controversy of not showing it to more skeptical audiences seemed to have worked, as when it comes to movies, there really is no such thing as bad publicity.

Of course, with a cultural phenomenon of this magnitude, conspiracy theories already abound. A woman died opening night (apparently at the crucial scene), and I was surprised that there hasn’t been martyrdom talk already. Don’t’ be surprised if that happens. In Georgia, a theatre’s computer assigned the film with a number that started with the digits 666, which angered some customers. Theatre owners insist all of that is done randomly by the computer, but you can feel the wheels turning on Talk Radio.

It’s time to increase your vocabulary so you can talk gooder. See how you do on these words (answers below).

A) Convivial

B) Luddite

C) Concomitance

D) Loquacious

The Plague of Janet Jackson continues
Next we get word that a sixth grader from Belpre, Ohio (where else) was suspended for bringing the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue to school. The mom was outraged, saying, “It’s not like it was Hustler, Playboy, or Penthouse.” When told of this comment, the principal responded, “Tell her to bring those magazines in, and maybe we can work something out.”

Who’s funding this?
In our “Why Bother?” section of the week, researchers at York University in Toronto Canada (where they never met a government grant they didn’t love) have determined that women are at their most cattiest when fertile. The study involved showing photographs of men and women to the participants. According to researchers women are, “more likely to criticize other women’s appearance during the days around ovulation. Biologically speaking, the aim is to attack rivals and to boost their own chances of finding a mate.” And here all this time we were blaming P.M.S.

Take that, you Luddites!
In the strangest story of the week, the mother of a 17 year old boy was arrested recently after the teenager found his picture on a missing children’s website. What the kid did was type in his name into a Google search to see what came up. Imagine his surprise when he found his picture and the information that he had been kidnapped from the custody of his father in Alberta, Canada when he was three years old. The mother was arrested, which upset the teen (understandably), and he was immediately put into a foster home until this sorts out. The woman’s family is standing behind her, but there had to be some reason the father was awarded full custody initially, and stealing someone and hiding for fourteen years is a good indicator of why. Unfortunately, the kid’s life is going to be hell for awhile, but at least we can score one for the Internet.

Dark Humor of the Week
Never let it be said that we here at the Hyperion Institute don’t have a sense of humor. It was brought to my attention that during a recent World Cup qualifying game, some Mexican fans taunted the American team by shouting, “Osama! Osama!” This made me laugh, not because September 11 or terrorism is funny, but because I was impressed drunken soccer fans could come up with anything clever.

What’s far more disturbing is that some talk show hosts (both on radio and television) have tried to make political points off this, up to and including the idea that Bush should reverse his immigration policy because of the incident. I don’t know about you, but I hope to God I’m never lumped in with sports fans, as representing me. More to the point though, some people need to get over being so sensitive. Yes, there is a time and a place for humor, and I’m not advocating trying specifically to hurt people. But there is no sacred cow of humor out there, or at least there shouldn’t be. If you are that upset by what rowdy fans at a soccer game are saying, it might be time to switch to decaf.

Enterprising citizen of the week
A woman in Newmarket, England has been fined by the court—for the second year in a row—for attempting to register her cows to vote. The year before Brenda Gould did the same thing, registering not only “Henry and Sophie Bull,” but “Jake Woofles,” her dog. Gould said she did it out of frustration, after the town council addressed a letter to the occupants of her barn. “We ignored it and then someone came around to ask why we hadn’t filled it in. We just thought they were being stupid. So my husband said, 'if they want to know who's living in the barn we'll tell them.' So we did. We didn't tell any lies. We just put down the names of the animals.” Officials were not amused and Gould reckons she won’t be doing it again. However, we here at the Hyperion Institute applaud Brenda Gould’s efforts. After all, her cows can’t be any dumber and uninformed than the average voter, and that ain’t no bull.

Vocabulary Answers
A) Convivial: a festive atmosphere

B) Luddite: someone opposed to technology

C) Concomitance: several things happening at once

D) Loquacious: given to excessive speech

Finally, we have news out of Madison, Maine, where an enterprising young shop owner has decided to try a topless coffee house. The owner assures media that it would be “tastefully done” and that the inside of the store can’t be seen from the street. The idea is to drum up business by having the servers be topless (and you thought spilling coffee in your lap would be painful…). The local mayor was torn, of course, between wanting to condemn the man for indecency and laud the new job market opening up. Of course, I know what most of you are thinking: where’s the cream going to come from?

And that’s life in the Monkey Barn,

March 1, 2004

Thanks to Koz
Thanks to Dominique
Thanks to Tootsie for Editing

Editor’s Note
My editor thought the last sentence of my denouement was in extremely poor taste, and argued with me to take it out. I refused, and she wanted me to point out if you are offended, it’s my fault, not hers.

Motto Explanation
The Shire is where most hobbits live in Middle Earth. And if you didn’t know that, for shame!


Columns                                                                                     Hyperion Empire