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Hyperion April 21, 2004

the Hyperion Chronicles
“I’m your huckleberry”

#296 Potpourri, Volume XXVIII

For reasons which will become clear soon enough, today’s potpourri column is jam-packed just a bit more than normal, including the unusual step of a serious item. However, I promise to put it at the front, so we can quickly move on to the weird, wacky, and wonderful potpourri you’ve come to know and love (mostly because you have the attention spans of hummingbirds, but hey).

Free Political Advice
Obviously since I’m running against George Bush for president, I am not happy with how things are going, and have little desire to help him. However, in the spirit of magnanimity, I offer the following. What happened in Spain last month was terrible. Terrorists bombed, an election was changed, and the victors immediately announced they are pulling out of Iraq. Scared that they might be next, Honduras is pulling out too, and by tomorrow, there could be others. Things look bleak politically for Bush. If I were he, I would make the following world-wide statement:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I come to you tonight; a world in crisis. Terrorists have regrouped and are striking hard wherever they can. We’ve already seen a direct hit, as Spain’s election was altered, and their foreign policy subsequently changed. The whole world is looking to see what the United States does next, but I address this to all the terrorists looking for the same thing. I’m here to tell you we’re not running from anything. We value our partners in the war against terror, none stronger than Britain; every one of them appreciated. But if every single one of them changed their minds, we’re still going after you. You will not scare us, you will not alter us, and you will not deter us from kicking your ass wherever you are, so get used to it.”

A 4th grade teacher in Sanford, Florida was suspended while the school looked into pictures of her flashing her goods (which ended up on the Internet), drunkenly done at a Super Bowl party. If that would have been my 4th grade teacher, I’d have died happy. If that had been my 5th grade teacher, I’d still be in therapy.

A five year old brought marijuana to school, and was passing it out to his friends to sprinkle on the school lasagna. I think the kid was brave: no amount of munchies could have gotten me to eat school lasagna.

A Democrat club (they have clubs? I shudder to think what Republicans have) paid for an add in a Florida newspaper advocating putting Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld up against a wall and shooting him. The add was protesting all the death in Iraq.

A French lawyer will be defending Saddam Hussein. I can’t top that.

In Brazil, a member of Congress was arrested for allegedly giving out Viagra in exchange for votes. And somewhere Bob Dole said, “Why didn’t I think of that?”


It is time to see how powerful your vocabulary is. Today’s list is brought to you by the letter P (try to get at least three):

A) Pelagic

B) Peripatetic

C) Pogrom

D) Pranayama

E) Profiterole

F) Proscenium

G) Putative

The new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue came out recently, and as a columnist responsible to my readers, I was obliged to take a look at the new trends in swimwear for the coming season. If you’d like to see too (and crack up at the girls’ bios), go here.

Being a Star Wars fan is like being a good Catholic. You may not agree with everything they do, but you still go to everything they do, you think about it all the time, and you couldn’t imagine your life without it. In that spirit, for all of you Jedi out there, I give you Star Wars: the Musical.

Are you pissed off at the Magic Pygmy Rabbits (who secretly run the world)? There’s not much we can do, but someone has symbolically fought back by killing those bunny peeps in as many ways as possible. See for yourself.

Apparently my use of Comic Sans font (which I’m using now, for those of you with html email) is angering some. Check out the response. (If for no other reason, than to read the jokes, the first one starts off, “Comic Sans walks into a bar, and the bartender says ‘We don’t serve your type.’”)

Are you not a billionaire? Turns out it’s mom’s fault. Researchers have concluded that more than any other factor, a person’s success depends on how they were treated very early on by Mom. Don’t believe me? Read for yourself. (And mom, besides my chocolate Easter bunny you ate, that’s a billon dollars you owe me.)

Do you know much about ‘90s pop culture? Take this quiz and prove it. Let me know how you did.

I need your help: Bear asked me the other day what the term was when you know something that a character in a book (or movie) doesn’t know. Of course, this is how dramatic irony got started, but that sort of depends on what the character does. I did some checking, and the closest I could find was Milton’s Divine Foreknowledge, but this refers more to knowing what’s going to happen, not necessarily what’s already happened. So, Hyperion Nation, help me out. Can you give me a better answer than this?

Officials have forced a restaurant in Nashville, Tennessee to take nipple-baring women off the menu (they’ve been there for years) or face legal action. No word yet on whether they have to turn down the air conditioning for their waitresses.

A nine year old girl was arrested for stealing a rabbit (named Oreo) and ten dollars in New Port Richey, Florida, not the first scrape with the law for her. It’s news like this that makes me want to listen to those forced-sterilization arguments, unless the rabbit was a pygmy, in which case it’s time to hold a rally for her freedom.

A couple was arrested for beating each other up after a disagreement that arose during a screening of The Passion of the Christ. Apparently the argument was over who was more Christ-like.

A woman in Arizona was arrested for prostituting her 13-year old daughter for crack. This just strengthens my conviction that nothing good ever comes from Arizona.

A man is pressing charges for being “assaulted” by Richard Simmons, who allegedly slapped the man in an airport after a verbal altercation. Nothing says how tough you are like running to the law to protect you from Richard Simmons. (And somewhere behind his protective restraining order to hide from Liza, David Gest laughed.)

A hoax is spreading across American restaurants, mostly at Taco Bell (where else?). The hoax caller tells the manager that the employees are stealing and gets the manager to strip-search the workers. Authorities think the guy is a former employee, angry at being fired, but my money is on the Chihuahua, whose firing shocked us all.

Vocabulary Answers
A) Pelagic: relating to the open sea

B) Peripatetic: a follower of Aristotle or journeying from here to there

C) Pogrom: an organized massacre of helpless people

D) Pranayama: a type of yoga that emphasizes controlled breathing

E) Profiterole: a miniature cream puff

F) Proscenium: the part of a modern stage in front of a curtain

G) Putative: commonly accepted or assumed

Colorado Rockies Right Fielder Larry Walker found a dead body on his (large) property while riding a four-wheeler while on the Disabled List. Authorities all have the same questions for Walker: what’s he doing on a 4-Wheeler while on the DL?

Berlin, Germany—though bankrupt and so strapped for cash they are closing pools and turning off fountains—have developed trash cans that will sing to people and tell them “thank you” when used; all in order to curb the scourge that is littering. When they get to toilets, I’ll visit.

Two groups who don’t need it: Jennifer Lopez’s mother won over two million dollars in the lottery, and in India, monks were given 26 million. (What are monks, who take a vow of poverty, going to do with that?) I propose a law that people who can’t use the money don’t get to win money and inherit obscene amounts. Who’s with me?

After China’s first astronaut returned from space and confirmed that—Trivial Pursuit questions to the contrary—you cannot see the Great Wall of China from space (with the naked eye), Chinese officials announced they would be changing their text-books. No word on whether Mao’s world record in the 100 Meter Dash would stay on the books or not.

A Dear Abby column was pulled after someone recognized that a writer’s problem was very close to a Simpsons episode (the one where Homer gives Marge a bowling ball because he likes it, and this almost leads to Marge having an affair with the bowling instructor). I used to like Abby, but if she doesn’t recognize classic Simpsons, I may have to reevaluate.

This leads me to the Quote of the Day, from that Simpsons episode, from the bowling instructor, explaining to Marge what Brunch was (and done in a bad French accent):

“It’s not quite breakfast, it’s not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don’t get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal.”

Researchers have determined those born in the summer are luckier. A survey of over 41,000 people found that those who spent their first few months during summer rather than winter considered themselves luckier. The luckiest people were born in May. Those least lucky? Born in October. I mention this to give my sister one more thing to complain about.

Finally, with the influx of foreign products to North America, we are seeing more that has to be translated. While we have gone past those wonderfully hideous Godzilla vs. Mothra dubbings, there is still a big market out there for proper translations. Someone should have helped poor Mother Theresa, who wrote many books before she died. While doing some research for a book on who would win in a fight between a wolverine and a koala bear, I came across one of her books. The book was trying to explain her life, her role in Calcutta, and her mission doing God’s work. The book was called The Missionary Position.

That’s life in the monkey barn,

April 21, 2004

Thanks to Koz
Thanks to Dominique (and Happy Birthday!)
Thanks to Bear
Thanks to Quincy

Motto Explanation
That’s what Doc Holiday (played by Val Kilmer) always said


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