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Hyperion August 23, 2004

The Hyperion Chronicles
“Pink is the new Black”

#311 Potpourri, Volume XXIX

It’s times like this I’m glad for EVON
The word on the street is that John Stamos has filed for divorce with his wife of six years, Rebecca Romijn. I know many of you might be sad, while other more cynical members of society (yes my little sister: I’m looking at you) are thinking, “Six years is like 40 years in regular-people time!” I, however, am not saddened or philosophical about the whole thing. I’m very angry. I’m more convinced than ever that the cast of Full House has made a pact with the Devil.

Let’s recap: Full House was a Sithor (Situation Horror) that ran on ABC from 1987 to 1995. With the exception of The 700 Club, it is the worst show ever made. It featured Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey), a nerd even on that show. And yet he dated Alannis Morrisette. Where’s the justice? There was Bob Saget, who later produced the unfunniest dialogue ever for the abominable America’s Funniest Home Videos. And, of course, there were two little girls, and you haven’t seen twins act that badly since Pam Anderson pretended hers were real (Buh-Dum-Bshhhhh).

But the greatest injustice (outside of Kimmy not getting her own spin-off) is John Stamos (a.k.a Uncle Jesse). Not only was he purported to be cool when he so wasn’t, but he got to marry Rebecca Romijn, one of the hottest women who ever lived! And now, to add final insult, it is he who files for divorce from her! I tell you, there may not be a god.

Cool Phrase of the Week
Retcon, as in Retroactive Conditioning. This piece of doublespeak (it sounds like Orwell, doesn’t it?) means when they go back and change the past of a story, without any explanation, thereby changing the future. That sounds kind of confusing. Here’s an example: remember on Dallas when they did the whole “Who shot J.R.?” thing? Then, they had it all be a dream, and pretended the whole thing didn’t happen. Usually Retcon happens when writers write themselves into a corner, and need a way out. (And no, you cynics, this is NOT how the New Testament came about.)

And he still has more of a personality than Kerry
Residents of Florissant, Colorado recently reelected Paco Bell as their mayor. That alone should be enough for jokes like, “He ran his campaign to the border” and so forth. But, it gets better. It seems ol’ Paco is a donkey. Paco was one of four donkey contestants, but two of them didn’t show on Election Day, and the incumbent Bell easily beat a white donkey named Birdie. (Insert your own Pat Buchanan joke here). Florissant townspeople have been doing this for 15 years now, and seem to love the tradition. The bad thing is that every mayor is a Democrat, but as one resident put it, “At least our Jackass won’t raise taxes.”

Just for the heck of it
The world’s coolest Internet Clock:

Vocabulary Time
These are really hard. If you get two out of five I’ll be very impressed.

A Atavistic

B Hagiography

C Agitprop

D Verisimilitude

E Frangible

Because I’m a very punny guy
A man was charged in Port Orange, Florida last month with hitting his girlfriend with a three foot alligator he kept in his tub. I don’t know…the charges sound like a croc to me.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before…
A priest and a nun were convicted of disorderly conduct last week in Blantyre, Malawi, for being caught having sex in a car by police. When asked for comment, the Vatican said, “All things considered, at least it was a girl.”

Because everybody needs to be on top sometimes
Are you feeling like nobody listens to you? Do you give orders, only to have them routinely ignored? Well, you need the Subservient Chicken. Yes, friends, there is someone right now dressed up like a chicken and willing to do whatever you tell him to. Go ahead, give it a try:

At least I wasn’t OJ…
Are you sitting there, almost complete, except you don’t know which of the Simpsons you’re the most like? You’re in luck. Some enterprising soul has created The Simpsons Personality test. Go ahead. See who you are. I ended up Lisa, but it could have been worse: I could have been Smithers…

But first take a look at my bridge…
The nice thing about morons is that at least they will never be lonely. There is a new stock scam sweeping the nation. What happens is that a message is left on your machine—apparently a wrong number—where this beautiful-sounding girl tells her friend about this hot stock tip from a broker she’s dating. There’s only a limited window of time, and no one else knows about it. Unsuspecting dupes, thinking they’ve stumbled onto to a windfall, then invest as much as possible in the worthless stock, and the scammers shut down the fake company and start over. At first, I was shocked that anyone would fall for this, but then again, with the amount of emails people forward without thinking it through, I guess anything’s possible. Anyway, beware.

The Four Horses of the Apocalypse are at the gate…
My understanding is that Jesus (or “Jebus,” if your name is Homer) is supposed to be everything you need. Master…Savior…Friend…and now: cuddly plaything. Yes, friends, for those of you who long to hug Jesus, literally, the Huggable Dolls Company brings us Huggy Jesus. Supplies are limited.

If only Norm had known…
Researchers from the University of Oregon, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and the University of Ottawa (hereafter to be known as “party schools”) have concluded that drinking red wine may actually reduce fat cells. The magic ingredient is something called “resveratral” (if that doesn’t sound made up, I don’t know what is), and apparently it greatly increases the metabolism of mice. Great, just what we need: more alcoholic mice.

Advice O’ the Day
As a general rule, when someone tells you her name, don’t tell her your best friend’s cousin’s pet has the same name.

Behold the power of my impulse-control!
A 105 pound woman in Maine last week won the World Lobster Eating Contest by eating 38—I am not making that up—lobsters in 12 minutes. I don’t have anything funny to add, but I just want you to know that I scrapped 4 very funny jokes for this section. So, the next time you accuse me of having no standards, remember my sacrifice here with the lobster-eating woman.

Muslim women: God’s gift to the bigger-butted
Hospitals in Portland, Maine (what’s with those people?) have come out with a new hospital gown that actually—gasp!—covers the backside. It turns out that many Muslim women (who are required to keep strict standards of modesty) were skipping important doctor visits over the shame of wearing a standard hospital gown. Now, normally I am very much NOT IN FAVOR of women wanting to wear extra clothing. (In fact, I’d go so far as to suggest a Constitutional Amendment.) However, in this case, I say “Assalamualaikum my Muslim Sisters!” I always hate going to the hospital and wearing one of those gowns that makes you look like you’re going to a surgical rave. And while admittedly I’m a Redwood in a land of saplings, I can’t be the only one who hates those things. My only question: why did it take them this long to think of it?

Those poor Norwegians are screwed…
It turns out your name determines how sexy you are. Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (not sure yet whether it’s the same group downing red wine like drunken sailors) have determined that part of sexiness is defined by the vowels in your name. Test subjects were shown the same pictures of people, with different names attached.

Names with “front vowels,” like the “a” in Matt were considered sexier than names with “back vowels” like the “au” sound in Paul. (The “front” and “back” refers to where the sounds are formed in the mouth). The exact opposite was found true for women. It all sounds pretty good, until you find out that the study was conducted by a guy named Matt whose wife left him for a guy named Paul. You can never trust those guys named Matt…

Quote of the Day…
“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.”

- Robert Orben

Vocab Answers
A Atavistic: A genetically inherited character trait

B Hagiography: A biography of a revered or idolized person

C Agitprop: Political propaganda put out in Literature, Drama, Music, or Art

D Verisimilitude: Truthfulness

E Frangible: Breaks easily

I think that too often we curse others with boring, non-descript words. Been there, done that. I can’t tell you how many times (just this week!) I’ve been told to go to hell. Yawn. So, to help you out, I’ve come up with some great curses you can use that are original and won’t make your grandmother want to wash your mouth out with soap. Let me know if you have any, and maybe we’ll make this a permanent feature in Potpourri:

May you have a Plague of Locusts o’er the land

May sand fleas infest your underwear

May you get an ice cream headache that won’t go away

May your remote control stop working right when you flip to The 700 Club

May all your ex-girlfriends get herpes (leaving you to wonder)

May your next girl-friend be a piano-playing gargoyle

Just for the heck of it again
There’s nothing funnier then a toad with a sign in his hand.

Finally, I’m sure you were all shocked and saddened to learn that Mary-Kate Olsen had turned herself to a rehab clinic for what was reported to be a eating disorder (later reported a supposed cocaine addiction). The nation spent a quiet few weeks in prayer, wondering of the humanity of it all. I mean, if it could happen to them…

All I can say is at least now you can tell them apart.

And that’s life in the Monkey Barn,

August 23, 2004


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