Deep in the Well of Savage Salvation

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Hyperion May 31, 2005

The Hyperion Chronicles
”Mankind’s best hope against Lilacs”

#354 Another Bag O’ Mail

Hey-Ho, friends, good to see you again. Yes, I’m looking at you through your computer, and might I say: you look quite fetching in that muumuu.

The mail bag has been building up, and it’s time to answer some more of your questions. Before we get started, though, an appeal. The term “Mail Bag” seems so antiquated, so staid, so not-the-Hyperion-Institute-way. I need help coming up with a better name. Send in your suggestions, and I’ll let the River Midget Interns decide which to use. You will be credited, either by your real name or the ever popular Hyperion-dubbed alias. Okay, on with the show.

Question: Is your website EVER going to be done?

Good question. I know I’ve promised a web-site for some time, and have thus far not delivered. There have been many reasons for the delay, some my fault, some the work of the nefarious Magic Pygmy Rabbits, but with the help of Mineral, I have gotten some of my columns on-line. Mineral convinced me to use a “blog” type of web site. At first I was reluctant, since I feel what I do predates blogs, and I didn’t want to be a part of a trend. I wrote Mineral and griped away. He wrote me back:

“…you don't need to know “crap” to make a web page. Take me as an example. I know a lot less then you'd think. There are a lot of apps out there that make web page design a cinch. I recommend that you go to and check them out. Join the revolution. You should start a blog. Through this web site you can automatically do all of the things you are thinking about.”

I glowered a bit at this email, and then realized he’s right. I can talk about the way I want my site forever, but something is better than nothing, and I can always change later. So, I started putting columns on. I don’t have anywhere close to as many as I’d like, but I have enough to tell you:

That’s the site. Just click on it, or if your email doesn’t come in html, copy that and paste it in your web-browser (Internet Explorer, etc.), and it will take you to my site. There you will find an ever-growing index of past columns, as well as links to my other site:

These are my movie reviews and other thoughts on the world of film.

Question: Will this website mean you no longer send out the column?

I’m not entirely sure. For now, the column will still be sent out, but they will be posted online as well, and earlier (if you just can’t wait). My recommendation is to Bookmark the site, which means adding it to your favorites (press the control button (Ctrl) and then press “D” and it will save it. You should check the site often, as all three of my sites (soon to be five) are updated much more often than just the columns being sent out.

The way we do Movie-Hype is to send out an email with the link, and if people want to read they go to the site. It’s possible the regular column may go this way too.

Question: What is the point of this website?

There are three reasons. First off, people have joined at different times, and may want to read an older column, or just revisit one of them. Secondly, I really want to expand my reader-base. And while some of you help bring in new readers, it’s a lot easier to tell someone to go visit a website than join an email list. This is where you come in. I need your help. If you like the site (and hopefully you do, or why are you still reading), please tell everyone you know. I’m counting on the Hyperion Nation to come through for me. Last, hopefully someone out there reads this and decides to hire Hyperion to write professionally, at least until I take over the world.

Question: Who is responsible for the content?

I am. I had lots of help from people figuring out how to do some stuff, but I made the editorial decisions. If you don’t like something, blame me and only me.

So now you know about the website. Let’s move on to some questions about recent columns:

I thought when I wrote about Jennifer Wilbanks (#350 The Girl who Cried Lobo) everyone would agree with me. Not true, as most people who responded had a lot of sympathy for her. Go figure.

For my next column (#352 Both Barrels), I was positive I was going to get creamed. I was expecting it, maybe even relishing the challenge. But it never came. A few disagreed with me, but not one person mentioned the language; even my Grandma! I guess people realized that while they may not agree with my choice of words, they understood where I was coming from. Some went even farther than that. A sampling:

I just read this and I thought it was great, Thanks for being off the wall a bit for the sake of Justice! This kind of talk is the only thing we "Church goers" may listen too!

Bravo. It's about time people gave a damn about each other enough to stand up for the defenseless. My heart breaks for that girl you worked with.

You are so much my hero. As someone who has arrested pedophiles & kiddie porn collectors, I know that you are exactly right People that enable the molesters are equally, if not more, culpable. This is the one type of criminal that I could gladly disembowel in the public square & go home & have a hearty lunch and sleep like a baby that night. You were right about the difficulty in leaving a violent man, too. I wonder how you know so much - are you really a woman?

You are right. F*** THEM ALL!!!!! I would love to see some of the responses you get on this. Here’s my own little input on the subject. I think when they are put in prison they should be in the general population and have to wear a shirt that says that they messed with children. Don't put them in isolation or whatever you call it. You can deal drugs, kill people or rob people but if you mess with children and other prisoners know about it they will fuck you up.

Wow. When you said this was an angry column, I didn't believe it was going to be this angry. But I'm impressed. Not many people could get away with calling victims accomplices and not seem like a complete jackass... it's a testament to your passion and your talent that you pulled it off.

Keep reloading and using both barrels! ________ and I just finished our Foster Parent certification. Several hours of class were devoted to abuse. It's horrifying, heinous, and F***ING WRONG!

I appreciate the kind words, and I’m glad to know there are others who get upset about this. However, in an effort of fairness, it wasn’t all beer and skittles. Though relatively few, there were a few who took umbrage with me, like this one:

I think it is wrong to rob adult women of their agency to protect
them, an adult women in an abusive relationship should leave and
doesn't, don't treat her like a child, she is an adult capable of
making (bad) decisions. She might die, she might walk away, but the
last thing grown women need is grown men telling them what is best for

What can I say? I’m just a grown man trying to tell you what to do. Let’s move on.

Question: What is the Hyperion Institute?

I am but one man in the Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian/Kickassian Studies, a think-tank devoted to eradicating Third-World hunger, fighting crime, blood drives, community ballet, bringing back “Alf,” finding the lost purple horse and world domination. Besides myself and the fellow Institute members, we have interns; a family of River Midgets that live with us and help us out.

Question: Where have all the Water Buffalos gone?

Storm Lake, Iowa.

Question: When are we going to hear adventures of the River Midgets? And what about Carny?

The River Midgets have been working on a column, but their hands are very tiny, so it’s hard for them to hold the pen. This month though you’ll get something. As for Carnivus, he has already sent me a story. I’m just waiting for the right time to post it.

Question: What’s the deal with your Fagin Dupree story?

I decided to write a serialized story—like they used to a hundred years ago—where I couldn’t go back and change anything. So far there have been five chapters and a prologue. I think it’s going very well. Haven’t got a lot of response, but what has come in has been positive. Next week there will actually be three chapters. If you want to catch up and read any of the previous chapters, please feel free:

Question: Why are you always going on and on about beef jerky?

Beef jerky is, in two words, a refutation against Atheism. It is possibly the best food every created (other than Graitch), and should be celebrated. I cannot be bought, but I can be influenced with jerky.

Question: Why don’t you eat sea food?

This is going to sound kind of strange, but, you asked. I believe the Sea is a lurking enemy. Man has lived next to the Sea for millennia in an uneasy truce, but one day the Sea will rise up and become a great threat, perhaps even more dire than the Magic Pygmy Rabbits. Since I plan to be in power then, I figure I will have to deal with the Sea, and thus I refuse to have anything of the Sea in my body, as this will make them suspicious of me and my peaceful intent.

Question: Is there anything on the land we should be afraid of?

Well, obviously the Magic Pygmy Rabbits run the world, but nothing you can do about that, so no use being afraid of them. TAF (the evil pig god) is a danger too, so you should watch out for his followers. Other than that, I would say lilacs. Lilacs are evil and have malevolent intent. If a lilac could kill you, it would. Be very careful about these cagey beasts.

Question: I’m in love with the Chiquita Banana woman. Any suggestions?

From what I heard, she digs guys who can conquer Super Mario Bros. 3 in one life.

Question: Why are Magic Eyes so hard to see?

They don’t actually exist. The people who say they can see flowers, cats and sailboats are all part of a massive conspiracy organized by Lilacs. Just one more reason they are evil.

Question: But if lilacs are so dangerous, why do they smell so good? And why isn't there a lilac-colored crayon?

The smell is part of their allure, to pull you in and then pounce. As for crayons, their used to be Lilac crayon, and it was responsible for killing over 500,000 orphans. After that they took if off the market except in France, because nobody is all that concerned about fewer Frenchmen running around.

Question: It seems like I would have heard about 500,000 children dying. What's the story with that?

May 31, 2005

Thanks to Mineral for helping me get the website started, and to everyone else who helped with feedback
Thanks to Bear for punching up my answers and offering me the Chiquita Banana woman

Upcoming columns
Thursday will be a reprint of perhaps the best thing I’ve ever written: The Wall. Next week will bring three times the Fagin, but for those who cannot wait that long, the first part will be on the website Friday, so make sure you check it out

Motto Explanation
Be honest, without me, would you have even known there was a Lilac problem?


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