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Empire Taxes

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Empire Taxes

Empire Taxes
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"Chronicle Groupie"
Hyperion February 14, 2008

All right, men. It’s Valentine’s Day. You’re trying to please your woman, but you don’t know what they want. Don’t feel bad: THEY don’t know what they want, either. However, despair not. I know what women want.

And I’m here to help.

Last night my sister and I went to dinner, and—emboldened by the fine steak, endless opportunities to throw peanut shells at her and to-die-for rolls with apple butter—I agreed to pen a Valentine’s Day poem. I have done so below.

I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime. All you have to do is print it out, take it home, AND READ IT TO THAT CERTAIN SPECIAL SWEET CHEEKS IN YOUR LIFE.

Yes, you read me right. I am giving you permission to use my work as your own. I promise not to tell. In fact, to make matters easier, I even wrote in the Stage Directions into the poem. You will find them in brackets, like this: [Attention idiots: you DO NOT read the portion in the brackets. Those words are telling you what to do.]

Read over the poem a couple of times out loud at work, and then you’ll be ready to surprise her.

One other thing: After you skim through it, some of you might ask how this poem is supposed to please your woman and get you some. Trust me. First, she’ll just be pleased that you made an effort. Secondly, you’ll have her laughing her head off, and ultimately there is no better way to put a woman in the mood. Okay, let’s do it.


V is for the Venereal Disease you never brought my way.

A is for the Action-Fantasy where you pretend you're gay

L is for your Legs that go on for miles and miles

E is for your Easy laugh that always makes me smile.

[Pause for "Awwwwwwwws!"]

N is for Noxema, that keeps your skin so clear

T is for your Titties that I could watch all year

I is for the Me that wrote you this love letter

N is for the Nobody that ever could be better [pause]........than you

E is for the End--not of us--but of this poem

[Dramatic Pause]

S is for the Sex, so roll over and give me some!


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