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"Chronicle Groupie"
Hyperion September 16, 2010

I've been thinking a lot about names lately, especially things that are mis-named.  What's up with that?  We want people new to America to learn English, the least we can do is call things what they are!  Below I have listed some of the worst examples.  


#17  Turtles - I guess I shouldn't complain, since real turtles don't taste this good, but the principle....

#16  Urinal Cake - Come to think of it, why would you eat a real cake in a urinal?  Again, though, the principle!

#15  Sweetbread - There are Bad Carbs, and then there's just friggin' ridiculous. 

#14  Paradise, Michigan - I don't know where Paradise is, but I know sure as shootin' it ain't in Michigan. 

#13  Headcheese - I'm not quite sure what I expected headcheese to look like, but that ain't it. 

#12  Grape Nuts - I've yet to figure out what Grape Nuts are, but I know two things it is not: grapes and nuts. 

#11  Rocky Mountain Oysters - If you're ordering Oysters all the way in the Rocky Mountains, you really have no one to blame.  

#10  Cheesecake - It doesn't taste like cheese or cake - it just tastes awful, and anyone who disagrees with me is clearly with the terrorists. 

#09  Poker Chips - As Homer would say, "Don't try to eat these so-called chips."

#08  Tossed Salad - Umm....I must have made a mistake on this one.  Just ignore it...coughcough

#07  Elephant Ears - My biggest complaint - no way those are the right size!  Make 'em Elephant-size and I'm flexible on the pastry. 

#06  Naked Lunch - To quote Nelson Muntz, "I can think of at least two things wrong with that title."

#05  Spotted Dick - I would have bet money this was a Venereal Disease. Looking at the picture, don't rule that out. 

#04  Bearclaws - I thought eating a bear would give me the strength of a bear, but all I got was a sugar-coma.  

#03  Hot Dog - If we do end up going the literal way, I vote for poodles first. As much as those dogs are pampered, they have to be the Kobe Beef of dogs. 

#02  Black Light - For the last time - IT'S PURPLE.  CALL IT A PURPLE LIGHT!

and the number one _______ is......

#01  NeverEnding Story - 'Nuff said.  

The first picture is Greenland, but it's all ice. 
You got that, right? 

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